Archive for February, 2001
met ap.sat thru the whole damn meeting.good for us.
then to urth w/lou.
who is devastated by j. which i find mind boggling, as he is such a drip.
ahh well. i am sure the whole world thinks my choices in men are a bit dodgy..which i guess they are.
i worked out for awhile , people creep me out at that gym.
brokeass gym that it is.
HUGE earthquake in vancouver today, talked to mom;who said it was loud(?)
Hailey freaked out.
ate with jane and d.she pissed me off but i got over it.she is so dismissive and bitchy.
good morning to me. feel okay. puffy eyes. going to meet ap for breakfast; i haven’t seen him in two weeks..weird.
don’t remember my dreams, really, sort of fragments: being in a resort, trying to get drugs from a pharmacy.
going to treat my situations today. believe they will be taken care of without any plotting and planning on my behalf.
feel okay..
woke early, went downtown w/La.then met lou for coffee,then worked out for quite awhile. now @.home,d and a are here.cleaning lady was here.everything is lovely.
(clean&tidy lovely,that is..)
still in gripping fear over all my situations.must meditate or something.fuckin hell.
this sux sooo much. i am living like a robot. you aren’t supposed to be this bummed out at 29;i’m sure of this fact.L sucks ass . i think i am really mad now. why is it he hasn;t replyed to me??
Basically, i’m floating in space and i have no purpose (that i know of yet)and iam sinkig deeper into debt and despair each day.
my only saving graces are my apartment and my car and my friends. that is alot. but i am still scared shitless , i don’t know where to go for help. i am going to be ok. i think.
woke up devastated again..
i’m totally at a loss as to what to do. mom called first thing this morning.
she is can’t help & we ended up fighting like the old days-
so much pain under everything now.
i could not stop the feelings of desperation
i almost made a phone call i definetly should not be making.
i just feel so overwhelmed if i even think about my situation.
i literally could not get out of bed .d came over ..early..tried to help..
had lunch w/lala and d
slept later . a’s dinner for bday, then to les duex .weird vibe.not a bad time. really like a and n.
the kind of couple that gives me hope(?)
feel so lonely, crazy fuckinglonely, actually.
tired . had a really great day.not such a great evening.
tired and want to smoke…eating instead.
will be fat person , i guess.
no
i ‘ll smoke before i get really fat.
or i’ll go to rehab for food addiction . that sounds nice.. 28 days at a nice rehab..
relaxing, going to ‘group’, crying..sleeping figuring it all out.
fun night .didn’t start out so great,i couldn’t motivate at all today..fucking sugar as a nicotine replacement is killing me…i should probably start smoking again, it’d be better for my life.
just in general..better
i ended up at the gym at 8pm on a friday eve..how semi-pathetic..weird.
who knew?
anyway, later, wendy, dk, d and i met here(after i worked some of the sugar out of my system)
We then tryed to go to m right down the street..but bailed after 5 minutes..not really our scene , although the dj rawked..(J).
then we went and tryed rick c’s new place..cool little bar…no girls just hot guys…not a really good place for my manfast…
then to b.- danced for a few hours – then to sw. to eat …fun tiring different ..not searching for a boy is relaxing.
i mean, i still look -ALOT- but that’s it.
sooo tired.
feel ready to figure out something or have something happen..i duuno what, just something.
mercury is starting to move out of retrograde now…..YEAH
emailed l.
ahh well . i miss him. point blank. i feel better; like a pressure is off ,now that i sent an email.
i feel like we were in this stand off…El Silencio.
went to the lc this am. actually got there early – sat with db, who is back from nyc for the week.
we laughed our asses off. feels so good to be coming out of this.
don’t want to jinx anything,but i feel okay and i’m awright,fer now..
not suicidal at least.
breakfast at lulu’s w/dk, wendy and jeffrey .
fun.Trevor cancelled again. no money for another day, iguess.fuckassshitfuck.oh well.
today i’ll work out .meeting w/jh at 2pm.work on monitors layup for sc.
dancing tonight.
dk and i walked up the street ,got coffees and then we walked down to some little used book store
and he made me pick out 5 books.
it was so nice.
weird nice. like the kind of thing you do with a new boyfriend but you are so giddy you miss half the experience..but because d is d and we are what we are to each other, i got to be fully present and smell the book store smell and really look for books i wanted and just be peacful.not be occupied by pheromones or oxctocin(?)
wow. this is amazing. i really see the way i am when i am dating someone. i ‘m like on drugs or sumthin.
i’m so glad i am on this fast from dating. i need to have tons more experiences like today before i can think of romance.
it’s 4:49..haha G’s joke on me…well i have tried to ‘take care’ of myself today.
i went to the CH..saw CD and karen..left, then went to whole foods..
asked about nerve tonics for smoking cessation..??
got some homeopathic thing..
home.. ate sugar(fuckbadshitbadbad..)..worked alittle .
fell asleep(because of sugar , no doubt)
woke , ate salad talked to murph. called dk, even though i’m sorta mad at him..good thing i called as he was at the track..
he’s on his way over to go for coffee.
he is like a mirror ,but worse in some ways..his isolation etc.
Such a smart good looking charismatic funny-ass fucker-but sooo many hangups..
ahhwell
i’m sure the same has been said of me..
woke okay this morning..then ten minutes into being awake, i was jolted into overwhelming feelings of dispair and anger and sadness ..seemingy out of nowhere.
was at breakfast with a and c and gordy and david and had to leave the table to fake a phone call because i couldn’t hold it together.
The randomness of this depression is bizarre to me.i feel so at it’s mercy.
i would do anything right now to stop feeling this way.
i think i need to relax into this cycle ,though, or it will never leave me.
i am so sad and angry i don’t know when this is going to stop i want to smoke more than i’ve ever wanted to do anyfuckingthing in my life.
i’m so gaddamned irratating.(oops freudian slip?meant to say irratated..)
i am supposed to be at ap’s grammy party, then to karaoke.
whatever..i’m still in my workout stuff.
it’s 11pm and i am obsessed with how i feel
i have been for a month.
this writing is definetly helping
Don’t know if i miss the boy or if i miss cigarettes, and i just “think” i miss the boy..?who knows.Have had no contact for quite some time
how can you spend every day with someone for months and confide in them and trust them and then just leave it all..no thankyous or apologies or truths or revelations
nothing
silence
makes me feel sad
and mistrusting of my feelings
yesterday was the first relatively happ-ish day in a long ass time..
today i woke early- went back to bed though
feel blah
grammy’s this eve. i despise awards shows so much
but ap just emailed me that he’s having a party , might be fun.
i need to get out a bit more , i’m too lonely.
i had so much fun on monday,
should be an indication -
did a poster for trade last night
for lou’s bf, ‘judd’..whipped him up a mock movie poster.
in exchange for personal training…ughh
feel on the verge of being super down again..
don’t know whatt to do.
smoke?