Archive for March, 2001
it keeps feeling like the world is pulling away from me.
my world. what i believed was true for me. i am so sure i am doing the right thing by being here and taking care ,yet as i start to feel renewed and cohesive with the world, i get sent an email
or receive a phone call -that puts the dread and fear of being “ganged up on” back in my system.
i know that i have rights . the right to have my voice heard against women when they gang up.
it is so obivious that a big huge part of my karma here on earth -is to stand up
-gracefully-
to groups of women,whom i tend to fear,
and in turn tend to turn on me.
it feels really crappy and i don’t want to do anything,
except
stay here
play records
and write
and run with my dog.
but i have a path. a personal legend, as it were. to follow and fufill in this life and these are just the omens.
some good .some bad.
i have been willing to go this fucking far
i am not letting these minor players set me back any further.
they all served amazing purposes
and now their roles are being cut out of my story…
and ..i walk forward
&go into the light -away from what makes me sad
or tired-
i start to move towards what energizes
heals & inspires my soul
and my heart+
and + i am one with the soul of the world+
this much is true;
so far so good
i say
i am in canada. i totally 180ed my life of late.don’t know where to start, actually: am at a cyber cafe …-costs money. just wanted to check in. staying with steve and dave, patricks friends on 7th and fir.
to dr tomorrow. good thing.
to whistler for a few days. back home after that- i guess.
so much and so little has happened.
feel underwhelmed
had 2 cigs in the last week. ok.
menthols. what???
i’ll tell all at a l8tr date.
.
emailed l.
ahh well . i miss him. point blank. i feel better; like a pressure is off ,now that i sent an email.
i feel like we were in this stand off…El Silencio.
went to the lc this am. actually got there early – sat with db, who is back from nyc for the week.
we laughed our asses off. ..feels so good to be coming out of this.
don’t want to jinx anything,but i feel okay and i’m awright, fer now..
feeling neither hom nor su-icidal, at least.progress. baby steps.
breakfast at lulu’s w/dk, wendy and jeffrey.fun. Trevor cancelled again. dat means i gotta no money for another day, iguess.fuckassshitfuck.oh well.
today i’ll work out .meeting w/jh at 2pm.work on monitors layup for sc.
dancing tonight.
oh yea.
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woke up with fear and sadness and anger..for no reason that i can thinkof. this is horrible.
i am not into this anxiety thing.
i can’t handle it at all. what am i supposed tp do?i feel like i have over talked it w/ my few friends. i feel very alone right now.
scared .i am totally taken care of. 100%
every area.must remember this. always
*always* i am okay.
saw eckarret tolle(sp?)last night , then dinner w/a and c and ri.a andd ab.
fun.then to mark’s bday at the ll.
going to vir. mtg now. to meet t.
l called around 8:30.he cme over. when he walked in it was as though no time or bad stuff had passed between us. i feel so deeply connected to him.in agood safe way.i have a clue as to what the purpose of our relationship is..or what it was.it is very powerful though.
i made amends to him. we walked and talked and he gave me the pg cd. felt a little pain but reallly good having done it. cleaned up something.
went and met ab and ap at LC. fun. to tha firm after..dj from last week . not as cute as i remembered.ahh well.kinda getting funner being single; so much possibility. talked to drunk-used-to-be-sober girl. gave her my #
life is weird. good weird , i guess. if i look at my life it is so bizarre and so unfathomable. like ab said tonight about the “beautiful peolpe”What i want from life is changing drastically right now. i no longer fit in my own perception of my life or how i’ve thought it should go.
yesterday the pain in my solarplexus was unreal..unbearable..rendered me weepy,unfunctioning.well not completely, got out of bed, got a job doing a web site, payed some bills.seem to have super strong faith right now,a and i are getting back on track.sweet relief. i missed her , i wasn’t mad . i was hurt like a mutha fuckah.it’s all about kindness.it transcends everything.miss z like crazy, now.went to swgs with a and then AGAIN later w/ mthen to karaoke(SP?)saw b there,had awesome chat. turns out we met here(my house) with e and j last year…get this:on our way to l’s show.kinda funky…coincidental..odd..and then….today, at erewhon. after the gym, i ran into et.how synchronatic.always with this one.(L)do like her. felt a little awkward though. good chat except when i brought up L.we talked forever in the homeopathec aisle.supposed to be making amends to L as i write this..but..hmm funny thing, he hasn’t called.he will.dk was just here on his way over to bw’s.gawd he is sexy(bw ..)met cute boy last night. hope at least.
amends to dk. done.
amends to jane, done. relief factor:none.
spoke to l. oh fuck. it sucked soo bad.
phone messages . i ended up leaving one that was so brutal and yucky,
he called back and i SMOKED> muther fucker.bad convo.
i can’t believe it.i can , actually. it was great , too.(the cigerette)
i am not going to start again , though.promise.
solar plexus sadness is soo strong these days . i guess i am in the middle of a big karmatic thing-a ma-jiggy..i guess.
cried like a small baby again this eve.
something in me snapped and i felt the loss of my relationship so deeply .(a-fucking-gain?!?!?)
like someone uncorked my solar plexus and every ounce of sadness gusshed out..
when is this shit going to be over?
i still think a smoke would feel unreal. i almost had one of lala’s ‘new’ brand…
i know it’s *cleansing* and shit,(to cry..not smoke) but the anger underneath is like a fire in my belly that
causes me to want to act out within these outbursts..like fire off really nasty emails or call and yell..
of course i didn’t,(don’t ever actually…’cept around d.)
went to les duex instead.met dj’s Ben and Jereme. sweet sweet( little) boys
raining like a noones bidness. nice.reminds me of afternoons when i was little and mom would let us stay inside and watch t.v.(rare..not the rain, but t.v. watching..)
cozy feeling.good day, thus far.returned almost all calls and emails.
unbelivable, really. for me.
the running theme:faith. in all areas of my life. all.
every single one. money . gc. boys. friends . it’s hard . scary actually.
i am in messy spots with D. haven’t heard from him since my ‘explosion’ yesterday.
oh well.
faith. getting some . want to smoke a bit but won’t, right now.
only thing stopping me is vanity and ego , i think.
a is having a tough time. i guess i should give her that grace right now.
very bitchy, but catches herself . i am sensi girl ,too. i feel lonely-ish.
not as scary as before, perhaps because i feel i have options. but still lonely.
need to let go ,absolutley.
do you remember
coming back from santa barbara and telling me you couldn’t stand to be in a place like that without me now?
did your heart break in a million pieces after we said goodbye outside the library in p.c.?
did you feel so betrayed and foolish that your face goes red when you thnk about what you believed in the past few months?
do you remember what it feels like when we looked in each others eyes?
did you think about calling me?
did you think about how weird it was to have let someone in soo close to your soul and have them gone in the blink of an eye?
did you wonder how i was?
did it hurt in your heart and tummy when you thought about me?
does it still ?
saturday was an odd (off?) day. slept in. desire to call L. had not really subsided.
called. fuck shit hell piss crap. i can’t believe i did.i was soo good for sooo long. i am so angry at him, though
i don’t know for sure what it is i’ll say if he calls back. i mean that statement in itself is *brutal*…’if’ he calls back. ??/
i should be able to know that if i call someone in my life , that they will def. call me back…but i don’t have that sort of safety with him
love with the safety off.oh fuck.
later went to meeting w/ ap then dinner w/ he lisa, amy, susannah, a, ab, mark:fun bunch.
we had a gas. one girl was’pschic’??
kept telling me my relationship wasn’t over.
made me feel better in a weird way.shame spiral over calling hasn’t really set in, perhaps it won’t?
ya rite, after tonight it surely will…wht am i going to say if he calls?
so fucking devastated right now. just sobbed so hard as i drove around hollywood aimlessly.
was asleep on the couch when a and c walked in, he (of course), ignores me and she was a*cunt*-and i do not use this word lightly.
she has been alot lately. it’s horrendous. i feel like i am always trying to keep her from being cold and trying to figure out how to get her to like me again. it aint pretty.
the thing is -i don’t like her at all right now . she copies me. with boys and clothes&idon’t want to live with her i want us to go back to our old way and friendship.
so much more fun.
i miss * so much.
it keeps killing me. making me feel so overwhelmed with grief .maybe i am mourning other losses thru him?w
it’s soo deep and it feels like it is never going to go away. i am so scared that i am not going to have a life ever. that i’ll always feel like this and my life will be this way forever-sad, depressing , fat, boring, angry and lonely. i am so lonely .