feeling like the world
it keeps feeling like the world is pulling away from me. my world. what i believed was true for me. i am so sure i am doing the right thing by being here and taking care ,yet as i start to feel renewed and cohesive with the world, i get sent an email or receive […]
180-ed my life
i am in canada. i totally 180ed my life of late.don’t know where to start, actually: am at a cyber cafe …-costs money. just wanted to check in. staying with steve and dave, patricks friends on 7th and fir. to dr tomorrow. good thing. to whistler for a few days. back home after that- i […]
emailed l. ahh well . i miss him. point blank. i …
emailed l. ahh well . i miss him. point blank. i feel better; like a pressure is off ,now that i sent an email. i feel like we were in this stand off…El Silencio. went to the lc this am. actually got there early – sat with db, who is back from nyc for the […]
woke up w/ the fear
woke up with fear and sadness and anger..for no reason that i can thinkof. this is horrible. i am not into this anxiety thing. i can’t handle it at all. what am i supposed tp do?i feel like i have over talked it w/ my few friends. i feel very alone right now. scared .i […]
he called
l called around 8:30.he cme over. when he walked in it was as though no time or bad stuff had passed between us. i feel so deeply connected to him.in agood safe way.i have a clue as to what the purpose of our relationship is..or what it was.it is very powerful though. i made amends […]
solarplexus
yesterday the pain in my solarplexus was unreal..unbearable..rendered me weepy,unfunctioning.well not completely, got out of bed, got a job doing a web site, payed some bills.seem to have super strong faith right now,a and i are getting back on track.sweet relief. i missed her , i wasn’t mad . i was hurt like a mutha […]
amends to dk
amends to dk. done. amends to jane, done. relief factor:none. spoke to l. oh fuck. it sucked soo bad. phone messages . i ended up leaving one that was so brutal and yucky, he called back and i SMOKED> muther fucker.bad convo. i can’t believe it.i can , actually. it was great , too.(the cigerette) […]
wimpy me
cried like a small baby again this eve. something in me snapped and i felt the loss of my relationship so deeply .(a-fucking-gain?!?!?) like someone uncorked my solar plexus and every ounce of sadness gusshed out.. when is this shit going to be over? i still think a smoke would feel unreal. i almost had […]
raining like a no-ones bidness
raining like a noones bidness. nice.reminds me of afternoons when i was little and mom would let us stay inside and watch t.v.(rare..not the rain, but t.v. watching..) cozy feeling.good day, thus far.returned almost all calls and emails. unbelivable, really. for me. the running theme:faith. in all areas of my life. all. every single one. […]
do you remember
do you remember coming back from santa barbara and telling me you couldn’t stand to be in a place like that without me now? did your heart break in a million pieces after we said goodbye outside the library in p.c.? did you feel so betrayed and foolish that your face goes red when you […]
saturday was an odd (off?) day
saturday was an odd (off?) day. slept in. desire to call L. had not really subsided. called. fuck shit hell piss crap. i can’t believe i did.i was soo good for sooo long. i am so angry at him, though i don’t know for sure what it is i’ll say if he calls back. i […]
fucking devasted
so fucking devastated right now. just sobbed so hard as i drove around hollywood aimlessly. was asleep on the couch when a and c walked in, he (of course), ignores me and she was a*cunt*-and i do not use this word lightly. she has been alot lately. it’s horrendous. i feel like i am always […]