Archive for April, 2001
so iam going to start having themes for my writing each day. or each week. i guess . noone else reads this, so it wil be about my experiments with myself and my life and my faith in myself.starting tonight:creating what i want…ie:manifesting.okay so, i’m going to do these affirmations .i am going to meditate and visualize myself having peace and happiness and all sorts of crazy joy and really feel what it feel likes -before i fall asleep and when i get up. then i’ll post my results…
feeling much anxiety;like i do not know my place in the world and it scares me to no end. i wonder f it is the time of month coupled with my mom with everything else that is going down. i am going to be thirty in one month., that doesn’t freak me out. what freaks me out is not knowing my purpose and not know where i am supposed to be in the world. i wish someone would just come over to my house and tell me ” you are supposed to be doing this for the next blank years..so here is who to call and they will set you up with what you need etc.-and don’t worry, it’s all going to be cool and you have a great life ahead, starting now.so go ahead “and they would leave me with an outline to refer to and a 1800 3 to call if i needed further instructions, and i would KNOW.phewf. why can’t this happen?didn’t people in the bible have shit like this happen, all the saints had someone tell them where to go and what their purpose was, …..
old bf that hated me just emailed me back and was very kind and very honest about how much i had hurt her an dhow great, origanilly, our friendship had been.
wow.
AND..****and i talked about my financial sit. (or lack there of)-fearful, rightly so, i guess. because once again i am in need of $$.
I can’t seem to do anything right right now.
of course , now , as i am supposed to be on my way out..i am divinely inspired to do all this stuff to my site.
whatevah
btw-my old bf that emailed me the other day..i emailed her back and she hasn’t returned my email…hmmm
she’s probably not online or something-has to go to her parents to use the computer, perhaps.
maybe i’ll meet someone tonight at j’s. right..
i never do.cute player boy is not going to be there…so i don’t get the element of intrigue.
ahh well i guess the universe is waiting to put monsier perfecto in my life…
i’ll let you know
mom is here. she is sitting in the lving room ‘quilting’.
we stayed in last night and ordered chinois.then later we walked up to stircrazy and got peppermint tea. nice.
she likes my computer. stayed up and checked her email and stuff. i was exhausted(mental drain)
woke up early and went up to virgin ms.then to erewhon and she hooked me up with some organic grocerys. then to lrch cb for coffee , then out for breakfast w/ jc.
then to u.o.’s -where she bought me clothes(yeah mom)
home-i slept all afternoon. now just killing time before j’s party. (8pm)
talked with ap , will see him tonight , later at the LC.
having a nice mellow time with mom. i am scared to tell her about finances…god i hate that. she has to help me, though.
please let it go okay…….
none of my links work..whoops. except the email one.ahhwell. something to do
feel so tired and unmotivated. found out that cute guy from the morning mtg. is a bit of a player. roamer , he is. and seems to like m’s friend. ahh well.
i’m not that worried about it. i just want to not be bored and boring all the time. sent some email today to ykw.
fucker. i am so pissed at the way this has turned out.
it’s all changing and swirling in my head. my thoughts are on overdrive. i read some great things today, but i am too poor at this to link or quote..so take my word for it-my best friend in the world from 12 till 23 emailed me tday. no big deal right?
wrong. she hasn’t spoken to me in 5 years. nothing. – she hated me so very much that when i got sober , i was too freaked of her ire to even attempt to make amends to her.
but see, after all that has gone down in the last few months with my friends here..i decided i needed to get over it and find her and apologize for being a drugaddicted badbadbad friend.mostly because i’m sick of the cycle i fallinto with women friends-thinking it’s great then stopping trusting them then believing i did something wrong and dropping out of their lives-all because of this inbred belief that i am a bad friend and i am not. -not anymore. i was with her though. and that is why i need to clean up my past shit so i can start being a better friend and stop doubting myself.
damn -good self-therapizing,eh?
ok, after having read samantha’s thought s on what a blog could/should/tries to do, ifeel like i need to follow her lead and have some sort of purpose or structure to what i aim to give/get from this here rambling series.
let’s see..a mission statement will be my goal for myself today.
that’s it. by the end of today i will have a personal purpose set in type and posted for me to see up here , of what i will be writing about for the next little while.
some ideas..a journal about being ‘sober’ in your twenties..nah , if anyone were to read this then i would be breaking anonimyty(sp?) all over the place.
perhaps.. what i ‘ve learned thus far , in general, imean- i do have a lot of life experiences that are somewhat shocking..i know i could start to write my memories of travel/drugs etc.
stupid. i’ll have to figure this out whilst working, then get back to myself on here ,later
went to urth this am w/ m. cute boy there. sooo cute. last week,at dinner, dp said that i was worse than any guy she knew in respect to checking people out..
hmm, i really never think of myself that way. but i guess i am . i mean i am single. but i ‘m that way whether i’m single or not, i guess. wrote jb this morn. she is in mnnpl , working for a few months. i always wonder if she and z talk about me. i actually wonder all the time who z talks about me with -cause i know she does. that is the way she is.
c was there this am , and he started smoking again. i get a sick pleasure from that.i think ap is coming home today from ny. scared to tell him i am smoking again. i feel like he is my dad , sometimes.
mom arrives tomorrow. want to make the house really nice for when she gets here.
going to go to cb now and get a hot drink, cause it is freezing today.