Archive for May, 2001
the light is so pretty in my house at this time of the morning. feels very hopeful or something.
kak is coming into town this weekend. she has she hired a town car becaause she stll can’t drive. fun .
i wrote a huge post last night about my dinner with ab,mf,ajp,hil and crg…but it’s gone.
shit. ah well. i was funny too.anyway. dinner was good. very relaxed. surprised me at first;that so many were there.
but it was for good company. ajp was very funny. entertained me . sometimes i think he doesn’t know how funny he is.
mf MADE my night. he showed me …and everyone else. (with all sincerety)..how he applies his wrinkle cream for his crows feet..- apparently used to be quite bad and have remarkabley lessened with his daily applications of said ‘wonder’cream. it was an excellent moment.
the boys went off to the maxim [arty at moomba apres dinner..i went straight home and had a beautiful sleep.
i’m ready to hit the lc2..
put up my who’s who index.
i am having dinner w/ ab at lc. quite pleased with this . although i still haven’t had a shower etc and i have to be there in 45 mins. better get going
so many thngs to think about. i was so excited to go see my cousin dj this eve.,then i called to find out what time and he said it was cancelled.fuck. i thought it would be a new fun place to meet cool people. i guess not. and my reg. thursday night date is off due to ab working a maxim party. maybe i’ll go to that.not. i can’t think of anything worse than being at a function tonight with all those scenesters. not into it at present. ykw emailed me the lamest email ever the other night. now, he doesn’t even respond to my emails. he waits about a week after i send one and then he writes a little prefunctionary note about nothing.what hurts the most and is still needling me is; he acts like we never connected the way we did. like i made it all up in my head.
i thought i’d found a real friend.he sux.i guessi have to forgive him ,though and myself in order to move on.
i only know i have to do this because of advising other people to do the same with their situations. i mean if i keep being set back by him and his lacks i am not a very good example to those i try to help or those that seek my advice am i?
n came over again.gave me more money.more ideas for the site. i told him he has to buy a dig. camera.so i agreed to go with him on saturday to samy’s.
listeneing to marcy playground. wonder what happened to these guys. they remind me of using. actually good recall. makes me want to get high. but of course i won’t cause my life is locked into this sober thing. sometimes it makes me resentful that i can’t just take off and go to aforeign country and sit in a hammock and be high and write in my journal.
gawd i loved that.
being in belize or mexico and just being peacefully high and feeling soo good and far away. that warm, cozy lazy feeling .
it was so safe from all ‘bad’feelings.but now i get to feel all my godamned feeling 24-7-thank you sobriety(?)
also: the reality would look less like belize in a hamock and much more like this:
went to remedy tonight at the whisky. good turn out for them. had dinner after at swingers w/mi.
felt weird at the show. hil and z were there among others. hugged z, but felt so uncomfortable watching her . ughhh. when will this end???i can’t stand being in this place of feeling ostracized. maybe it’s pms..but..
even ab was weird. shit.anyway…rusty called me this eve..sb emailed me. these all seem like indicators . towards what(?) i don’t know. but tthe two people i love the most from home contact me on the same day after neither of them has been in contact for months?hmm..there is definetly something in that.
hmmm what am i doing?mom lft today and i feel a little bummed(go figure)
i am still in my state of letting every preconceived notion about myself/life gooooo
it’s hard, cause i get caught in the sadness of what i think i want(ie;living here..)
and how much home depresses me.
ahh well. i shall try to rise above these thoughts and stay open open open
there is greatness in me waiting to come out.
i’m going to write updates on what is turning up around me, due to these new thoughts and mantras
So far:n came over and we talked about his site and what he wants etc. he handed me a bunch of money and gave me free reign on the design stuff(!)don’t know what this all means , but i shall soon..
so i did the right “thinking” thing. i “manifested “good feelings etc. -what it feels like to be happy joyuos &abundant.
i also realized that i am not on my right path.It is obivious because everything is so hard, i am scared shitless, but i am ready tp let go of everything i know or think i know and ‘want’ ie;living here….In order to start following my path that will lead to a life of fullfillment and joy.i know we are all entitled to this sort of life. it is what we are meant to be doing here.
So i am having this epiphany-perhaps the greatest shake down i’ve ever come to on my own,without a disaster happening around me,- on my online journal.yeah blogger. i wonder what to do know. it is about becoming willing and continuing to let go.