Archive for June, 2001
i am nuts-i feel like my mother is going to make me have a nervous bd
she doesnt do anything-it’s the buttons she pushes(she INSTALLED) by ……….breathing..
so much -going to sb this weekend . mom is her. max staying with jc -i am a bit insane with everthing and everyone-but i feel good-saw et and b this am at urth.
feel good. like i am free of something enormous. i am ready
dk came over and hung out this eve. nice to see him. walked the dog-went up the street and met p with ss mj jo and mi-went to jones’s for dinner and then i went to ns’s to help plan his trip.
he’s so funny. very much a perfectionist, i think.
feel alright, albeit a bit sleepy.
i understand so much about my feelings that have come up this past few months-awesome talk with ss. i see that i was doubting my self and my own process-and i have become so mis trusting for whatever reasons. BUT i am not mistrusting- i believe people aand there isn’t anything bad about that.
i say things to others, sometimes that shock me…as in advice that comes from my mouth regarding life or love or whatever and as i hear myself say it- irealize i must listen to myself more often…i am becoming a person that i like …if that makes any sense..i’m so punchy.
i guess i am coming out of this intropespective period and reaping some beneifits from it
i don’t know what any of this means
lc2 this am. breakfast at urth w/ jc and hil.haven’t seen hil in forever. it was very good to see her.
max came with -he is having SEVERE seperation anxiety. i didn’t even get to set foot in the meeting. oh well.
today i’m helping ns w/ computer shit. and maybe lunch w/ lak.or mi.
i want to not go to bed on a sour note. i want to sleep well and wake up with gratitude and love in my heart . i feel very vulnerable, as i have so much over the last 6 months-not weak, just open and sensitive. i want to use these lessons in my life , of late to spread good stuff-not be grumpy and judgemental. it just doesn’t feel good.
i pray that all those i felt resentful at get more loveand peace in their lives NOW. i pray that it all works out .
everything.
i pray that my close friends know i love them and how important they are to me.
i pray that those i don’t see/speak ;yet are important in my heart; KNOW that they are dear to me(even if in odd ways)
i pray that max is happy .
went to china town -ate with wayne and mj and mike d.
he’s funny. same birthday as me.
went to les duex. so crowded. saw cuteboy.he’s kinda lame. everyone is right now. i don’t know what is going on with me. i am in such an odd place. i was so annoyed by people in general this eve. i got to visit with et, though, that was a nice way to end the evening.
i can hardly stand to see some people. feel like i don’t fit with any group.
not that i nesaccarily want to , it’s just a thought that randomnly has occured to me,over my lifetime .
tonight being one.
just when i feel good and as though i am over all past grievances-i get hit with something from left field.
ran into vh on larchmont and came across the fact that we both knew someone in common and she was seriously crushing on him…ykw. god, i felt so weird and icky. it made me feel sad.
i am over it-i just haven’t had to share this area with anyone i know… now she seems to have ..well whatever it all doesn’t matter anymore-he hates me and i know the truth. it’s nothing more than the facts.
i guess ijust thought it was a special thing between us and from what she says -they have the exact same thing..that is what makes me sad-as the whole thing took so long for me to rectify..i had it down to the fact that we had that time together for whatever reasons and the gift was the shaft of light that peeked in when we were together-the whole passing in the night thing but more ‘poetic’ whatever-i guess not.
vespa party was a lot of fun.
slept in again-felt so good.
ns came and took me for coffe. he said the show yesterday was unbelievable-so envious-he had an amazing day/night.sounds like-topped off with courtney love buyiung him in and out burger and flashing him her chest…
crazy life.i ate with ag and mi last night then sat with mj and wayne till 2am-fun.-mellow.
max will not stop barking. gg liked one of the designs-needs to change a few elements-but seems to like general idea of one of them. supposed to be going to the beach for a bbq-not into it,though. tonightis the vespa thing. should be fun.i’m thinking that it will be a nice change from the insanity that is work , for me , right now. i told mj i would go shopping with him, too.
good day- although weird still. lc 2 in the am w/mj. t?en to coffe w/ sally. awesome talk. then to home walked max. made a vet appt. then to sleep. then to pay bills..finally. gas and cable and internet. then to larchmont w/ ag and mi. met the cutest group of boys . ofcouse i loked like dog poo. oh well. apparently they were at the party lat night but i sure didn’t see them.
now i am going to clean my office and the rest of the house….and take pitures and finish the sands site.
right away. now.
after i walk max.