Archive for August, 2001
my life feels full and good right now-it is all based on the relationships i have in my life- they are all relatively stress and maintainence free. i think this is the first time in my life i don’t have high maintainence people around me-like when i got freaked and stressed today everyone around me was cool and loving and forgiving etc.
how did this happen?
i am happy and calm(ish)
wow. been offline for a week-crazy.
good to be back, but a nessacary break.too much going on …and yet… not enough at the same time…ya fel me?
went to laguna for the pageant of the masters on sunday; with Leland and famille…fun nice cool.
tool was here last night.
in sd this eve-we were going to go down for it-but now i think not.
driving ap and lisa to the airport (going to italy) instead-not a great trade off-but i am being of service..
haven’t written in so long-things are weird-good weird, i guess.
i have noticed how much i have actually changed through this past year . i mean i know i ‘grew’ or whatever.
but i am aware that , organically , i am different-my actual responses and actions and motivating factors are totally new and different.
my experiences over the last year have caused me to be very unattached and able to see through certain behaviours-
i don’t believe people like i used to.
i am completely protective of myself.
i really do know what’s best for my heart etc.
in friendships and romantic entanglements.
i feel a little sad- as though i just woke up and i’m not a kid any more.
but somehow i am putting out some sort of energy that is attracting very interesting and cool relationships.
i really like the people around me-
i feel excited about the day when i wake up=such a good feeling.
i remember someone saying to me once that all they wanted was to wake up happy
and when they said it-it totally broke my heart -i remeber feeling so sad for them-but then i also remember feeling the exact same thing in march …
and now i am again
waking up happy, that is..
certain areas that inotice indelible marks of the last few years are: the way i deal with my own resentments-like i know they are petty as soon i feel them come up-there is almost no time between the grumpythought/then
the resolution of letting it go.
i am tired of feeling like a child..hurt by peoples judements.
it is my ‘dharma’ to be judged -and i can still live the life i want and be happy EVEn if people don’t like me or talk shitty stupid lies gossipy stuff about me and my life.
what a concept