Archive for November, 2001
pissed rain..vancouver-style today. i slept through the meeting and it was great. hil and ns came over and we had coffee and then we read tarot cards(?)
went to swingers for lunch -chintoe met us as did ie and ns1 and ah
went home and worked till 7ish .
ch came by for a visit.talked about putting up a web page for his store.
he makes me laugh. funny boy
went to mjk’s for dinner-he made soup….and cc cookies. watched the apostle.
nice rainy day/night.
home by midnight ,going to sleep now.
if max stops barking..ever.
went to hear lala speak-amazing..z and av were there. weird how things change like that.ss and ns and lala and hil and i went and ate at ie’s and watched him on felicity.
then we(me ie and la) went to mjk’s ,brought him food and watched movies.
time to figure out what i want: a nice stable income and LEGAL staus.
a loving sweet gorgeous sexy boyfriend who is madly inlove with me and i him.
to quit smoing easly and without gaining anyweight
i am at ie’s right now with lala and ie and irwin.
all day i was stuck infront of the computer..working .
forgot what it feels like.
alittle brain dead…now i am bored and hungry.
but i think i have just been looking forward to something -who knows what-
and there seems to be nothing ,though, on the immeadiate horizon.
i guess also the fact that i had all that fun stuff to do last month -tool shows hawaii vegas etc. and now ..
not alot..watching tv at ie’s
not that there is anything wrong with that.just that i am feeling a little blank
if there is such a line between insanity andd sane-ness…i sat in a room this evening where it would have been drawn.
from where i sat , in some what saness i watched across the floor as completely insane people spoke in ways that sort of made sense.
i spoke at a meeting and the sharing afterwards was like a scene from one flew over the cukcoos nest
really and trully
i had to bite my cheeks so hard in order not to laugh as i listened.
but the laughter i felt was just surface- because as i listened to these souls i heard and understood how they got to where they were this evening
scary.
like if i stepped across this line i would be right there with them quickly and easily.
if there is such a line between insanity andd sane-ness…i sat in a room this evening where it would have been drawn.
from where i sat , in some what saness i watched across the floor as completely insane people spoke in ways that sort of made sense.
i spoke at a meeting and the sharing afterwards was like a scene from one flew over the cukcoos nest
really and trully
i had to bite my cheeks so hard in order not to laugh as i listened.
but the laughter i felt was just surface- because as i listened to these souls i heard and understood how they got to where they were this evening
scary.
like if i stepped across this line i would be right there with them quickly and easily.
week of stillbeing on holiday sort of.
went to vegas with lala n hh ..met the boys there .
went to u2-amazing concert.
the night before i left ch called me- kinda cool convo.
then went to hotel with the girls and had a full on slumber party- ordered every dessert on the menu-
did ‘masks’ in our pj’s and watched a chick flick.
fun.
nexxt day we drove home and (i DROVE>>) stopped at whisky pete’s for roller coaster and turbo drop ride….then in barstow for in and out.
unbelievably long drive-7 hours.
that eve , i met mjk and ie at the movies…made them all leave mid movie- went to mjk’s for coffe at mmidnight…fun.
lala and ns and n were with us.
next night the same crew with lel and hh all played grand theft auto 3 and metal gear at ie’s.
mjk and lala i lay in ie’s bed and laughed our heads off.about retarded things.
fun.
week of stillbeing on holiday sort of.
went to vegas with lala n hh ..met the boys there .
went to u2-amazing concert.
the night before i left ch called me- kinda cool convo.
then went to hotel with the girls and had a full on slumber party- ordered every dessert on the menu-
did ‘masks’ in our pj’s and watched a chick flick.
fun.
nexxt day we drove home and (i DROVE>>) stopped at whisky pete’s for roller coaster and turbo drop ride….then in barstow for in and out.
unbelievably long drive-7 hours.
that eve , i met mjk and ie at the movies…made them all leave mid movie- went to mjk’s for coffe at mmidnight…fun.
lala and ns and n were with us.
next night the same crew with lel and hh all played grand theft auto 3 and metal gear at ie’s.
mjk and lala i lay in ie’s bed and laughed our heads off.about retarded things.
fun.
hawaii to be cont. when i am settled.
didn’t sleep the first night home- or the next day-went to rodeo saw cute boy.
dinner for cr’s bday at musso and franks…bw dk ns mjls hh etc.
then went to sleep fina-fuckin’-lly
then slept all am
then to larchmont
then everyone left for vegas for the fight and concerts.
i am leaving tomorrow am.
couldn’t deal with leaving tonight.
lala and ns are flying w/ me in the am.
brother is here. have yet to see him. spent the a.m. with brent at the hospital.
i don’t know why i feel so okay with being there. i am not scared of that enviroment-
i am scared of boredom and what that does to me,essentially.
how do i get to a place of prespective.
purpose and sense
.whatever that means…
i feel lost in a sea of my own life and i am floating aimlessly towards i don’t know land and that terrifies me.
ambiguity terrifies me. i like definitive.
structure that i can manipulate…freedom with purpose
does any of this make sense or do i sound like a teenager tryng to figure out free floating angst again?
it’s friday and i slept almost all day..got home around 2 am,
the show last night was amazing.
went with ie and hil mj ag ra lel etc.
all of la was there-our whole section was “comp ” seating-mjk made some funny refrences to the hollywood vermon.
saw et , finally met her friend robin, seems very nice, she is coming to hawaii ,also.
lots of others there- l ‘s girlfriend was there with robin, – didn’t introduce myself, though-
sort of avoided that whole deal. no drama, thanx. ie talked to her for a long time – i just avoided and talked to hawk the whole time.
i am so looking forward to hawaii. i realize i have been celebate and single for almost a year. it is so great in so many ways- but also , last night when ie went to get me a coke , i realized how nice it would be to have a “partner” to do stuff with all the time. i guess ie and lel are like that , but it is different.
i don’t know- it will happen at the right time, i guess.