Archive for December, 2001
trying to figure out tooo much shit. why do i live here? i wish i was on my way to a tropical paridise to swim and surf and eat fruit and meditate and write and relax . i feel disconnected from g-d. what is up with me/ lack of cigarettes,combined with pms?
i am definetly over the way this is at present. i fthere is not a huge shift in the next few days i am out.
i did not get sober and work through all this shit to get here in a place where i feel compromised.
am i being true to myself?
hmm feeling blue. yesterday felt sorta sick all day. wondering if this situation is all there is or if it is going to get better.
i do not like the way things are going at all. feel locked in myself and very frustrated.
when i think about what i want i cant seem to get a clear picture. i know it is much more than this. i deserve and owe it to myself to have true joy and happiness. especially now. i need to make a list or something. write out what it is i want and not settle for halfassed ness. why do i let these situations become so lacksidasical? so easy for everyone else. i am not putting any more time or effort into this situation. i will have true joy and happines with or without this in my life.
i am fed up with feeling i am around grumps and assholes. i do not need this shit.
test
just lost a huge post…so bummed. weird xmas. no big parties for me. just lo-key-attempting to quit smoking
ugh hard not very fun to be with
it’s been a long time hours since i smoked. a long time. i feel weird. giddy almost and full of fear and ecstactic.
this alteration of my life will prove to be enorous on many levels i am sure i just have to committ to not smoking no matter what not smoking no matter what…ch i s asleep on th ecouch he seemed so sad at times this eve, it is xmas eve -we went to the na mtg…then to venice and then canters for dinner and then home. he is having a hard time with gloria and his ex …death is so unconsolable and personal. i understand that.
merry christmas dad jord grandfather grandmother danny john tasha missy…….i love you
slept poorly allnight. feel a bit “hungover’ from lack of sleep.
good am, though.larch w/ hil-got some presents.
cs came by dinner last night and brought me a present: the dead box set…UNBELIEVABLE.
it is so awesome.he is the best present giver ever.
weird day.feel ok, but a little like i did something wrong in regards to boy.
i am just so used to being accused of being the asshole that i assume that even when it has nothing to do with me.
self-obsessed , i guess. i’ll have to figure this one out on my own though.
my situation is weird . i am definetly into the boy. but i dont feel any need to figure it or him out.
good i guess – it feels lacking in some element i am used to…
damn site was down for a whole day-so sick of this hosting company:onedollarhostingSUX
k.that said i am going through some sort of transformation…felt feelings this past few days but i am centered enough and close enough to YKW to see it as my perspective being askew and old things cropping up.
very interesting when i choose different coping methods for my feelings.
odd(yet cool) people helped me …that irish guy …mp…(who looked like a babe)
ad, bw….ss, of course and lel.
love is the source of all my joy and it is constantly accessible..even in la..in the throngs of people wanting soo much..stoopid phony shit
attention money FAME.
such an odd day..like reliving my biggest fears and feeling real happiness at the same time. so odd.
lc this am. ch came with. coffee with lel.good to hang w/ him..as we haven’t seen much of each other. of late.
worried sick (well that is an exaggeration…but close) about $$$. or lack of. noone is paying me..i feel so frustrated having to borrow 4 from home when i am working soo much.
it is devastating to my relationship with my mom.
fuck. prayer is probably my only answer. is there a god o f money?
there are shit load of pics of ie on wireimage.com. a whole page in fact.
one year ago today..i was kissing with l. weird . not sad, just odd. i was tinking about quitting smoking(as i am now) and in mad crazy obsessive lust with ykw.
now i am at home, on the computer i bought a little less than a year ago-the ever trusty beautiful g4. with the fancy screen. going over the website i am working on…whilst ch sleeps on the couch. tv is on. just walked max. it’s 10 30 ish and i am happy. feels good. just everything in general.
mj just called -he is not so good i think..feel awkward talking to him. he did a tv show today and gave me a shout out, though….
jlb is on the cover of the national enquirer today. with bill clinton. must two way her tomorrow and find out what that is about…
mjk came back today , met him for lunch with devo and friends..he bought ANOTHR car. very nice though. a lexus hardtop convertible thingy. cool. ns and lala are off on friday for kona so i get the bmw for 3 weeks. sooo cool.
feel weird right now..verging on sad. no reason, except maybe xmas and not being at home and not feeling very xmassy. i should get a tree or something.
just me and max, i guess.
invited to lots of places for the day-will go to my cousins for day part.
see lala and anyone else that is here.