Archive for January, 2002

cool week. feel so good off cigarettes.not crazy. running alot. alot. running to swingers running to larchmont. running to real food. shit. its crazy.. but good. lots of yoga . last night went out for girls eve. went to opening of sum dumb restauarant- i sat with ab the whole time though.
then to latin lounge.
pretty funny group of girls.
we got a lot of attention ..or gawking -as the center of dancing circle was jg and giselle. hmm. supermodel dance off. we had fun though. just dancin.
cabin this am with jg and ie. cw spoke. ch was there. had fun with him. good to see him.

went for dinner with mjk and jen and his dad and a bunch of other friends of theirs from az.
sooo good to see mjk. i missed him soo much. i cant believe the way i feel around my friends sometimes.
the hapiness just floors me. i feel full. ns and cr were there too..cr told me he thought ch was a bore . funny.
he wasnt a bore just shy. i feel like such a fool right now an=bout him not contacting me this whole weekend.
i feel like a dummy. like i missed something ? so odd. no contact -out of the blue. hmm. maybe he got in a naccident and noone hads found him. or maybe he was abducted by aliens.
or maybe he ran away with cw and got married.
hmm. none of my business i guess.

sitting on a spiral staircase, i am. looking down at the same situation i have been in so many time s(3x..) in this last 3 1/2 years. how do i ddraw these situations in/ i wonder.
i am ok had great night. saw owen…..went to a couple parties. i wonder why it is that ch never even called me or anything.
so odd. oh well
i guess that ‘s it?hmm..what a weird scene that was. wonder if i learned anything?
hope so.

ok so if u read all the last 5 enteries it seems a bit like i am vacilating. but what is happening is this: i let things slide , i take the blame for other peoples behaviour all the time. i assume the role of the crazy one or the dramtic one. i ‘m not this time. i see that part of my work here is to trust myself and recognize my part and not take on anyone elses part…so i ‘m not. i m ok. i trust that the universe etc has amazing plans instore for me immeadiatley that i cant even fathom , so i must walk gracefullly forward. jot down notes ’bout what i learned and move towards my lit path.

i cant really believe this has happened again. this dreadful fucking feeling in my gut. but what i cant really trully belive is that i am ok. i am not without alot of perspective.i see it for what it is. not too personal. although the part of me that remembers sweetness and goodness in someones eyes ,that remembers the words said, and touches etc feels shitty. i am in the middle of a very odd situation. i have just spent the last few days trying to get resolve for me. and in doing so i had to analyze the facts:somehow i have allowed a person to believe that treating me like a i am not special…is ok. even if they are sleeping with me.
he has a lot going on..yes.but i am not a a very demanding person. a visit a phonecall a returned email …whatever. common courtesy.geesh. i sound angry..but i dont think i am. just a bit sad.
it could all be so easy .and fun. and light. i am willing.
or i was willing , now i am done. its done. . i refuse to be part of this and feel like i am hanging in the corner..waiting to be invited somewhere. its weird.
the funny part is him trying to tell me how its all me?? and how i am acting crazy and all this insane talk
grow up .
learn to swim

these are the questions posed to me from my linkdup pal through blogger insider.
1. What made you decide to quit smoking?
found out that it was all a lie….also,vanity and health and relationship with nonsmoker was getting touchy cause of my smoking.
How long had you been a smoker?
16 years
How long since your last one?
6 days
2. What is your favorite memory from your high school days?
alot of them. perhaps the evenings spent drinking at my parents skicabin with my gang of friends …playing stupid drinking games and listening to ac/dc and the grateful dead…
3. Given that the universe is infinite, and God is also
infinite…….would you like a toasted tea cake?
huh? sure…..
4. Do you have a favorite food that you really enjoy cooking/baking?
stopped cooking and baking once i moved to la. occasionaly i make a scrambled egg thingy with an english muffin..
When you order out, what do you usually get?
indian or chinese.always .
5. Do you go back to Canada often?
1-2 times a year…havent been back in almost 10 months though.
6. Do you feel obligated to link to people that link to you? Why or why
not?
noone has linked to me -that i know of…so no pressure yet.
7. Other than blogging, what are your favorite online distractions?
looking for free cool scripts and doing my own personal pi work at google.

8. How would you compare your online friends to your ‘real life’ friends?
no ‘onine only’ friends.all are crossovers.
Are there any of your fellow bloggers you would like to meet in real life?
not particularily.
9. How long have you been online?
since 1993(on and off)
10. If I were to sign up for a Yoga class tomorrow, what’s the best advice
you’d give me about what to look for and what to be ready for?
wear comfy clothes. ask people ,in your hood who have done yoga, who is a good instructor(ie: explains poses well..is gentle etc). figure out what your intention is for yoga…physical ?spiritual? emotional? all three?..do a little research and try a few different kinds..with an open mind.
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