Archive for June, 2002
re-read the truelove poem tonight. where is my hand ??????
fer fucks sake.
bed without dinner
if i was a guy i’d marry me
fer sure i would-and i’m not just saying this because i am me, either
such an odd saturday.
after ss left i have been alone and in a weird lonely state.
ok though.
i didnt reach out to anyone..so i must somehow need this alone lonely time.
wrote some amends letters.
feel sad about ie and ls. i hate it when people yell at me like that.
i miss ie alot. i want to have a fun summer. i want to go to swimming alot.
the 4th of july was so great last year.
i dont know what is going on in my head.
s
loneliness has crept up on me today. this afternoon. the morning was good. great infact..but all of a sudden i am sad. lonely to be exact.
i am in that stage of emppty nothingness lonely pit feeling.
i dont know who to call what to do to make it go away.
i imagine lying in bed ordering carbohydrate packed foosds and watching satelitte..or calling some random person top go it somewhaere and gossip and feel seen.
or none of the above or go to an A mtg.
fuck. i dont feel any motivation to do any of it,
my mother is arriving tomorrow for 12 days and i am excited. there is actually noone i would rather be hanging with right now.
my bf of 8 months andbroke up 2 weeks ago. long overdue..as he was breaking my heart (maybe more my ego..) every other day.
angry angry boy, my favorite type.
now we are getting along great and spent friday day together and had soomuch fun and sexual energy..it sux. cause it leaves me feeling like this. lonely.
i just dont understand why , at 31 and peolpe always telling me how beautiful i am and great blah blah..i dioot ever have a bf who loves me as much as i him.it terribly devastating and discouraging and it causes me awful setbacks in my life.
like now.
i want to change everything. i want a new life. i want a job and new sret of friends. wekll i dont have a job dso that ewoulfd
i am single . i am sorta still sad. not sad in an upset i want him back kind of way…more just sad that i dot get to watch forensic files and have sex and silly stuff.
i know i will again..its just that i got used to ch.
oh well.bw’s bday last night. cr dd etc alll there.
ns brought his new girl, robin, who seems very sweet and nice.
i hope he keep s her around.
i am trying to get his friend me=ary to move n here..asap so i can house sit all summer for mjk.
tha would be ideal..have someone here..paying most of the rent and me keeping my stuff here and staying at the house..
yeah!
i got my gc approval application today..which means they just sent me the ok to put me in the drawing….manifest it
picture me with a grin and a green card (my gc) in my hand!!
i am single . i am sorta still sad. not sad in an upset i want him back kind of way…more just sad that i dot get to watch forensic files and have sex and silly stuff.
i know i will again..its just that i got used to ch.
oh well.bw’s bday last night. cr dd etc alll there.
ns brought his new girl, robin, who seems very sweet and nice.
i hope he keep s her around.
i am trying to get his friend mary to move n here..asap so i can house sit all summer for mjk.
that would be ideal..have someone here..paying most of the rent and me keeping my stuff here and staying at the house..
yeah!
i got my c approval application today..which means they just sent me the ok to put me in the drawing….manifest it
picture me with a grin and c) in my hand!!
dentist hell today. i have been so bad about writing in here.
mjk is back…makes me happy.
i actually missed him quite a bit.
i am trying to think about what has happened of late..ryan is on the cover of t&c mag…whatever that means. weird.
it was such a short time ago that she was sleeping on the floor of my studio apt in santa monica..
reminds of the truth to the quote i have above my journal..
ab quit smoking..seems like everyone is quitting..i love it.
ajp gave me a 4 year cake at virgin on sat. ad and ch and rf gave me one on wednesday..
running 5 miles tomorrow at 7 am with rf