underworld premier

underworld premier went w/ dlo to wes and heathersthen met ie and ls and the brkstr there. i sat outside the whole movie practically- it was cool looking just terrible seats in the front row to the left- killed my neck.i am so glad ls came – we got to hang out and smoke while they watched. she is funny.and loves ie and makes him happy. what more could one ask for?i wonder when i will have that. i am so barricaded – i am readfy for some dude to just break thru the barricades(to quote bry adams)and hiton me or something.weirdly awful-good-necasserry week. alcoholism suicide record release disconnected-ness.i feel conflicted and if step in the wrong spot i wil be blown up .i cant believe the insensitivity-or actually way beyond insensitivity-self obsessed false postuering behaviour of some.it saddens me to no end. i want things to be good and happy- moments like how i felt in qc. perfect able to be present feel joy in the moment and full odf love for evryone around me and gratitude for being where i was.i dont think this is unattainable- i just think so many others think it is that i forget that i can be happy at any chosen moment. i am disatisfied with my life in many areas after coming back from canada- i want to be inspired to do authentic stuff that i love-from my cells-like those around me- but the problem is i think my path is about love and service – cause the only thing i thrive in -is listening and understanding and showing different ways to people. fuck- i dont know what i am talking about- i do know that i miss people again. i stopped missing people a long time ago- perhaps out of self protection and part outof having unmissable people around. but now i do; i miss my dad. alot. i thought about him so much in canada it hurt my stomach . but i think  missing people is indicitive of a void in my life- a lack of intimacy maybe- no i am intimate with a few people- i am definetly unguarded around 2 or 3 people- but never always and completely.i am scared of being really close because then…?