Archive for December, 2004
how eerie these last few days have been ,dont know if im correct in saying this..but it felt straight outta tha bible..if i knew what was in there…*** DISCLAIMER grew up w/liberal psuedo hippy parents…..my last biblical/ religious learning foray was my first communion(catholic) at age 6-
I use it as a cultural(?) reference…not an official quote or anything…
i digress…So,the wierd eerie tone of the past few days..was set when i flew to vegas with mom et kel and cs(?more on this addition to the vegas xmas group, later)-on xmas eve.
OH! and mom got lit before we flew…nice touch.i will post xmas in vegas at some point…but now i need to get more recent shit out…
eerie biblical refrence point 1)
flight home from vegas..we’re about to land ..and we hit the knarliest storm ( that is still here now)..it was really crazy.
i got scared for the first time , in a plane..we were banking and dipping like we were in a cessna.
fucking scary…seeing we were in a boeing airbus..
i was sitting with an iranian doctor who kept us all calm ..-me by lecturing me on smoking.. as i the plane dips and drops and the fucking pilot sounds scared…..anyway
we landed safe-after an extra hour in the air…d picked me up…
ever since it has been terrential-Vancouver-style-rain w/ crazy thunder and lightning.
ex)A.1 my cable power heat and internet all out till this morning.
Ex.B)
snow in texas. real, stay on the ground snow..( verified cause dloh got stranded in austin enroute to his moms in corpus..)all weird.
BUT nothing in life could have prepared me for ex)c thisis a hollywood movie.feelings are similar , for me , as when 911 happened. just as baffling to me.
the postings ive read and the footage i have seen over the last 48 hours. people looking for relatives online..who were in thailand/indonesia/mynamar india…kraby and phuket. phi phi
pranang surit thani..Gawd , i didnt believe it at first, i thought mom was being dramatic …i m so glad sim and d are in toronto. fuck.
mom got home from pakistan a week ago.
patrick s in hk ( he was somewhere last week when mom flew thru.pretty sure it was thlnd)
sim was born and raised in kraby town.
deirdre* lived there for soo long..i have such a funny feeling n my tummy
thinking about that place.. Last time i was there it was riddled in kids … its all really bad.. rayleigh s probably gone.
i dont know what to do to be of service..i dont have money..but im going to call sim and see what he thinks is the best route of helping..then i ll post.
On the human being front -its scary and sad and devastating. too much to take in.-its almost a leveling of human mind going on , by force . nothing can matter but making sure everyones allright.and taking care of those that arent.
it our basic instinct.
bagdhad and all the shit that makes nosense to me..around me us you etc
all these incidents..nature and intentional ..the consequences..the destruction..the kids ..little little kids in baghdad eating hotdogs getting blownup,
it feels likea biblical tale some fire&brimstone preacher tells little kids will happen if they are bad or gay or something….
brutal.
i dont want to leave my house.
vegas puts my body in a weird state; i am very anxiety riddled..
yet about nuthing at all..(except perhaps , mom)has ‘happened’
yet,i constantly feel as though i am on the verge of some …thing….?an idea ? a boy? ..great party? /creative burst? …… something…but the reality seems to be that i just want to get to the gambling..All the anxiety seems to stem from competitve emotions that are tri.ggered shsss. guess all it means is:i love winning,,,i never thought i did ,,,but the feeling of winning against all odds..i feel like i am ….invincable..ish
its christmas day. im in vegas.
again. kinda fun.sad.eerie/meloncholly creepy but good.
mom kelly are across the hall..we are staying at TheHotel
flew out last night , after minor emotional family drama,
cs (rNDOMLY)CAME WITH US.
THAT WAS FUN.
he flew back this afternoon to tend to his dog.
did a little stocking ceremony at lunchtime.
last night we went gambling – both c and i won .
(he on much LARGER Stakes…)
i won 480 on 50 cent slots at hardrock.
and bluffed /brokeeven on poker table
he played craps..
kel roulllet
im sorta anxious right now. not sure what about.
need to settle.
lots of free floating fears..always when i m around m.
Mom is living in san clemente now.
i guess.. that swhat she told me, anyhow.
pretty cool, as she ll be close but not at my house.
and i have a beach escapre.
ipod wont work..and im not in the mode to figure out why.
the evening is approaching..will write more soon.
still in vancouver- well a hotel room in vancouver.-about to venture outside to get coffee-m is still sleeping- something that totally eluded me last night.
im not bummed-just anxious, i dont know what i expect here- nothing.
but it seems my emotions expect something.
how weird.
i like being here- safe in a hotel ,with someone from home(la home)
knowing i can leave at will..but i still want to see so many people. well not so many just some.
im crazy . but happy.
i am in vancouver. with morgan.
staying at the opus (same place we stayed with APC last time) a little different trip, though.
we flew up after a crazy weekend(for me_not him)friday eve went out w/ girls. long and convaluted-ish. felt very pissed off and like i let the good part sgo by being in a situation i did not want to be in OVER and OVER ..til th emorning.
i know im being cryptic- but it wasnt that fun and the details dont matter- justthatit was mostly my own faultthat it wasnt fun ( for me)
Anyway- slept saturday- met mj sunday- visit before i left as he i soff to arizona while im gone.
only in canada till wednesday. then back home.
although i have lots to say i have lame finger skills right now.
i wish i could pour out tons of shit.
in regards to missing dad reference yesterday:
weird.. barnone..one of the hardest days i ve ever had with the issue of dad not being here
i was working, scanning a whole bunch..and i thought id throw a few of my pics in the mix, one’s i’d meant to scan forever ,
well ,i scanning away-when i hitthis one and it was bizerre.
it scanned in so big and i could see my dads face and see how much i loved him even when i was that little,
fuck
fuck im balling again. this is nuts.
i guess it has to do with how much we loved xmas. he and i were way more into it than mom and patrick or anyone else.
we cut down the tree, put up the lights and chopped the wood.
shit.
i feel so lost now. i dont want it sound so hard and sappy. but i lost any tradition ( of the rockwellian sort)
when dad died.
fuck i mean im going to vegas for xmas.
dad. if you read this, thanks for giving me such cool xmas spirit. id even go to m-ss in ur honor..if i was anywhere near the skiiers chapel..but instead ill play the slots
darlin u got to let me know
should i stay or should i go?
supposed to go to whistler /vancouver this am w. MW.
but feeling kinda iffy.
ooh maybe ill miss something.(??)
or i worried about being up there ?
no biggy.
get a hotel
get over it.!
or anxiety/
hmmmm do i go to vancouver or postpone?
im perplexed.
just figuring out if a trip to vancouver avec mw will be a good idea?