Archive for December, 2004

mercury in retrograde:
cable went down for the first time in 4 years.
all my cell fones wouldnt work.

result:
no communication for 2 days9everyone thought i was avoiding them)
But:i bought a new (much needed) phone
and modem.

worked almost all night to make up for lost time.

sad about lz.
seems like each time i hearof someone od-ing, i am les and less emotional..just more still.
if that makes sense?

mom is safe and back in canada.

most times i enjoy the super awesome silence at this hour.
usually its my favorite time of day.
but i am feeling like a girl who had too little sleep because the pilot light was out and the lock on the door is broken and i love my erly mornings and ilove excersisng right now..and because of aforementioned inconviences..i am freezing..exhausted and irratable that i have no energy to run my head chatter away.mutherfuck.
oh yeah and i m anoyed that i too tired to write more than th enext few blurbs about how amazing my evening was lat night:
this is monumental bizarro
b called early about dinner latelate -very vague, about who etc..but i say yes yes yes..
she texts later.. 9.cobras
i arrive late (yes,true)
but they r not even seated .. standing at the bar. drinking a bottle of white wine.
friend of j’s whom i ve heard about forever is there also..very nice ..i small talk with her…j and i do our banter with b playing in abit.
then i awkwardly- but with confidence- ask ” shouldi be getting a redbull or a glass?
j is NERVOUSand hestraigtenshis shouldersas he rolls into dad mode and says no.nope..i am not cofortable..yet.
ok?ok?u understand?
stern pleading,if u will.
i say “i will respect your answer..” and this is a large moment for me…Cause in this relationship, i am the kid always..This was sassy and he starts trying to re-assert positions by asking”have u quit smoking ?”
i tell him i ve had 4 or something..”i asked u if you quit..have u quit?
no..ihave had only….he cuts in//w/a smile
“ill accept your quit smoking if u accept my awkwardness ..and need for time before i see u drink.”huh? everyones tentatively laughing at the nonsense? wisdom…? logic? what the hell…
but i just look at the smirker and i say “yes” he laughs and i laugh .fer real.
oc looks kinda scared like:which one is crazy? or pissed or are they laughing for real?and what the fuck is this about???
j says ‘im not making sense’, i said,” im agreeing cause i know better than to argue your backasswerds logic”.everyone laughs.but a much lighter relaxed version
i continue”because i may look and feel smug or correct NOW..but you somehow end up ‘right.. always.
so i say YES now to save the time” ..at this point the friend from oc is so confused.
probably thinks we all have some sex bsdm thing or somehing.

but we r all laughing..and i am feeling good.what looked like a power play moment was a way of j trying to protect his friendship with me-it was authentic & childlike protection.he was scared of losing this.just like i have been scared.
i understand now, i feel VERY loved in this moment and the dinner was so nice and full and long .
oh yeah…i almost forgot, as i went to order a coke..J told the guy to bring me a glass.
we broke bread fer real tonight.
i got to sit at the grownup table this evening.
it was cool.