Archive for May, 2005
its my birthday today and my dads anniversary.
it used to make me sad in a bad way , but not anymore . now, im just reflective and aware and appreciative .
oh..and a bit angry.
But in a goodway..like : ‘clear out mutherfckers..i dont need your badass attitude today, thank you very much’
My dad used to buy me flowers on my bday. (it made me feel sooo grownup when i was little)
So today ,for the first time since he died, i got sent flowers on my bday, (and funnily enough..from someone who is a bit fatherlike in my life.)
i also got a couple different renditions of happybirthday’s sung to me on voicemail.
even one live ..with real instruments(over the phone)
and a canadain “bob n doug” version, eh.
i found myself consistantly shocked by the thoughtfullness of each fonecall and nice gesture today and yesterday….-which is funny and kinda sad..because i ve always been so trusting and assured of relationships (somewhat ‘assuming’ really..That ill get the luv nomatter)but my reaction / shock today makes me see how that part of me has really been altered -which is completely due to my uncanny abilities to befriend and believe one **shitty terrible person after another **’terrible terrible shitty’ person …See,till very recently, i was the dumbass, always saying’cmon guys,,they really are just needing some frineds..they arent bad people..” then all of sudden…POOF- gone sometimes wth my ipod..sometimes with (queue the violins) a bit of my trust..BUT no more..!! . so to protectagainst such types, ive become suspicious of everyone s intentions…
**(‘terrible terrible shitty’ and **shitty terrible person’ are the unfortunately appropriate, oft used trademark references of dloh’s , to describe some of these ‘friends’i ve had in the past}
woah..dude,i m dropping scientific sized self assesments…im on fire
so ill continue :
i think im finally fucking beginning to stop caring about the shitty details that have kept me distracted from seeing the beauty of the nuances and wider perspective of what has become the landscape i live in ,
its as though i finally started to learn how to use the avid on the movie that is my life. ( excuse the hollywood -ish analogy)
my life today is not remotely what i thought it was,or would be..at all, but it feels like a fit to me, finally .
i love this picture: i was pissed about being interupted from telling dad some important stuff, apparently.
“Actors search for rejection. If they don’t get it they reject themselves.”
this quote was in the text of some spam that tricked me this am…
But fuck..i love it.simple all encompassing truth.
thanks spam machine
what a life i lead.
more soon…
what it looks like from here..on sundays
spazmatics7.JPGOriginally uploaded by acanadian
very nice day. super simple, but great.
after minor issues at house,went to j’s to go over some artwork he’d done. had a great visit.
the new dog is sooo fucking awesome and quiet and sweet.
shit
then b came home we went for lunch ..greenblatts( after sitting at he 101 and talking about the pastrami..we promptly drove acrooss hollywood to eatthere)
then to ie and ls’s to dog sit and been here fiddling with their new baby dog and irwin the sweet
nice
i cannot sleep. its probably due to soo much rest this week.
i am sick and sad.
it seems lame to be upset over what i’m upset over- but i am.
i am just fucking tired of this shit .
i dont do many great things on a day to day basis- or in my life, in general… but i know one of my most valuble and strongest traits is that i am never intentionally uninclusive. NEVER.
if i love you , and you are my friend , i will do anything in my power to make sure you never feel leftout. And i will , hopefully, always cultivate this trait/chacteristic as part of me…
This is because i find exclusivity the worst club ever created and the human behaviours associated with it: secrecy-deception-lying-concealment-(any behaviour thats carried out due to a root mal intention) are the seeds for shitty human-being-ness.
By this i refer to The kind of human that blows you off till they need something from you
- like help with their computer or to borrow your(fill in the blank)or help getting in da club … Or they just seem to never think of you when the fun stuff comes across their desk.
They are the same friend’ who never seems to see who is infront of them; only who isn’t- and they cant wait to get to that ‘other’* group
they are the one’s who dont remember to tell you about something you’d love- because they want to tell the others* first-
*( you know..the “others’-those who r higher on the guest list or closer to all the good shit?).
Its the friend that never asks or listens to whats going on with you- but seems to have you as a friend solely to criticize and give advice to, based on their idea of how or who you are.. etc etc.***
( the truth is they did seem to be your friend in a real sense at one point…but you forget when )
It’s these people , these friends, that always seem to end up getting their needs met….seemingly easily and consistantly….but the catch is that its usually via meanspirited intentions..either directly or indirectly…it doesnt matter because its the root intent that matters…
Intentions that hurt others knowingly are fucking Lame (suckass shitty bad wrong)
Enough , i say.
this is a call for action for all of us ; because i know me and my friends are just off track..and i m sure you or your friends are too….
So,Please… Lets all just try and stop it, then it will be alot easier and more enjoyable for all(even YOU-dear,mal-intentioned-overlooking-shitty friend….)
I mean c’mon, if you really think about it, how hard is it going to be?
to act -and more importantly BE, more thoughful of others? to all those who are around you, whether they’re around by choice or by force(ie:work, partners of friends etc)
It would only mean(mind the pun) remembering this easy childhood firefighters phrase: STOP DROP AND ROLL …i’ll explain:
STOP: talking about others faults and instead DROP them a compliment
or STOP bringing up events or things that others arent going to be invited to, or hey…novel idea? DROP: them an invite ..
ROLL within their world **
-How about asking how their week is going? What amazing feelings you instill just by checking in with people, without needing them for stuff.just ROLLing with it.
without wanting invites or favours..just DROP a message to say hi.
those make me feel great. and so do the feelings i have from the intuitive sense that you (my soon-to-be-more-thoughtful friend) just give a shit about me today.
It helps me to want to give a shit about life.
See…then its easier for those of us that you intentionally were nice to , do the same thing..
It is a bit gay that im writing this- but im rea lly and trully deeply affected by these things..
To know you are hurting someone because it would be awkward for you to do otherwise is definetly not good for u them or for the planet:if u cause intentional unecassaciry hurt=you cause more seperation and this isnt how the war is stopped or how kids learn to be loving humans or how we create a community or help each other to help ourselves.
its silence about these behaviours that keeps them ok and thus prepetuated..So
STOPit-DROPsomeLuv and ROLLeasy …
**when you start with great intent- you’ll find others really want your advice and opinion..fancy that huh?)
Fd arrived last night, havent seen him in a few years… he’s still super gorgeous..more so even? i dunno.
But its really nice to have him here- he’s a reaaly good person, i forget how little were when we were together. I feel like im a bit harsh around him, this morning, though. i have a grumpy edge and im seeing how soft ,so to speak he has become. or maybe its because he is going through some tough stuff with his relkationship etc.
holy shit… this rules
tonight was extra fun- everyone went to cochella or vegas- which meant extra room to dance .and less assholes..
went w/ aj…her bff Devcame with, he’s really kewl. like talking to him about nerdy stuff.
girls from friday eve came, also.