Archive for August, 2005
my own personal pergatory….
help
Iam stuck somewhere between my old version ‘fantasies’ and new, ..yet unrealized ,ones…hence: my own personal pergatory….
And by fantasies i mean what i wish for in my life ie:” i really want to be a fireman when i growup”…it referes to what i really ‘want’ for myself and /or can work towards .. and somewhere in the last few years a shit lot of who i thought i was and wished for has drastically shifted, seemingly without my verification….like if i find myself saying “oh i love chocolate, i want to own a chocolate factory oneday” , or,” i cant stand the cure ,they are queer.” i’m repeatedly noticing as the words tumble out, that i am , essentially, lying. Its force of habit in that its just a mode of reinforcing who i am, however teenage of a habit it seems ..its asserting indepence via opinion and taste..”oh you know allison creelman, she hates going to the movies, and wants to own a chocolate factory that never plays the cure”.. definitive statements that seem to have formed my vision for myself…and i did USED to love/loathe whatever it is im defining( or ranting about..)
till recently… Now alot of it doesnt even remotely resonate with me. case in point:
: i ALWAYs wanted tons of kids..never thought twice about it..and i used to feel terrible for older people who didnt have any…But i trully , at this point in my career as me, do not want to have a baby. not one or 3.
i just dont see it , it feels weird and foreign.When this shift happened and why, i havent a clue, but its very much true .
this may change but , for the time being im allgood with being auntie al.
i have dhlk, who is mostly a grownup now…and now there’s jack and max and a few other babies around that kwell any curiousity for me, for now.
Also, im not afraid of commiting to things or people anymore..i like to, in a general sense, have structure..somewhere to be, if u will.
it feells good to be / do what i say. i may be late for appointments and dates forever..but i like to structure some of my time ..it feels safer.(and this shift is big for me..bigger than the kid one)
another biggy:
i like working, but i don’t like my werk. i dont feel like its the thing i should be doing . at all. i like the tech side soooo much more than the design side. but it still all seems to leave me falling short..i dont have the inguienuity to thrive as designer…in that i am not specific enough in any one area of work.i am a problem solver for minor code tweeks…and as much as i do love this…creating routes around for broken things and applications…i m basically ..no
serious flash-as2 and oop ,little cocoa, underneath a little php, with just enough java script. all nestled into a new obsession with web standards and css possibilities… plus bonus (read:boring)abilities encoding video & setting up streaming servers to play it on…you need these little fixes , and everyone does…i m your person.but none of this is specific or definable, for me…see i cant seem to write a resume to save my life -or get me a job, for that matter. guess where this sort of skill base sounds kinda techy cool to ,say, my mom, but it leaves me in the postion of taking jobs to tweak broken websites, fix internet connections, setup email servers here..”fix ” the network here…re-encode some video a,ftp a bunch of stuff …or my personal fav:
just ‘whipping’ up a “quick” free flash site for friends ( nod to lono here, re earlier convo) .so its little piddly jobs or way bigger than i shoould say yes to , free jobs.
where does this leave me?
a little baffled as to why/ where/ how i ended up here…quite proud of the stuff i have self learn-ed but un satisfied.
i need input really.. i would love to hear suggestions. what am i missing , or overlooking, that will lead me down that golden path we are all supposed to find and follow?
help
Technorati Tags: bio, direction, fantasies, flake, genius, hollywood, life, life_path, me, purpose, tannerc, workish
i seem to be diggin deep into the feeling vault, probably brought on by being home and such.
listen to my feelings here, if you like:
http://creelman.org/mp3player.html
Technorati Tags: canada, family, lame, life, me
when i lived here, cittas was,quite literally, the center of the(my) universe…
.
ive been here since last week , and its ok. very quiet , and calm-save for last night..fd and i went out to cittas., of all fucking places ‘specially…with him.(?)
parveen was working. and if clark or brad had been there, it would of been 9 years ago.
except i was there with fd.
Who, 10 yrs ago, wouldn’t dare set foot in there , especially with me.
it was the symbolic spot of my infidelity.
or the haunting ground of pd, with whom i commited said infidelity.
but now, it seems, 8 years after i removed myself from this place and all the chaos i created…I am barely a side note.its funny, actually. watching him, holding court there….to me , when i lived here, cittas was the quite literally, the center of the universe…
where we would go everyday after getting off the hill. everyday..in boots with boards outside , drinking , with parveen as bartender and clark rolling drum and having pints before work at the restaurant.
i guess its still the same place, but as im still the center of my universe, and i am not orbiting anywhere near there,’cept for my jaunt last night. it felt kinda meloncholly , if i am to be honest. i even came home and made playlists..thematic playlists.
cheese ball that i am.
Technorati Tags: canada, family, fuckinEh, life, lovelife, tannerc, weird
is funny and sad at the same time
right?kinda…
Then she proceeds to armchop me SUPER hard on my neck…So hard i flew into cheryl and she flew into d etc etc…i say “she just hit me..”about to cry…then they d and c pushpast me…and there’s all this commotion..i dont know what is happening.i walk towards d and he says all forceful and shit “JUST GO BACKSTAGE ..NOW!”
so i slip up the stairs..ready to ball my eyes out..cause i think i did something..c is ahead of me..she slows down as we walk into the backstage area…and i am fuming..” im really upset ,” i start to say..when she cuts me off to tell me she punched the chick in the face!!!!!!!unbeknowst to me..she and danny had started asking her why she hit me..etc and something happened and c with a ring that spans two knuckles…punched the girl ..her glasses shattered..But i saw nothing ..just c walking away and d screaming..
jord_schick
Originally uploaded by acanadian.
i think i became a different person 13 years ago . when i wrote this. i wrote down 3 pages of what happened from the phone call at 8 am, up until that evening at midnight. it altered me more than any other moment in my life.
i feel sad thinking about myself then.
i didnt know how to deal with it.
i was 21 and living with jordan , he was 23.
fuck. life is funny and sad at the same time.
online portfolio/reel for ArtDirector/producer, Mark Snelgrove.
i :
100 coded the back end:
converted media
set up streaming server
created flash for site.
design coded tested executed maintained
This is a test post from 
, a fancy photo sharing thing.
so sad. i think watching him tell the world he had cancer was only like, ..i dont know…but not very long ago. .
he was canadian
and he worked for my grandfather. and i liked his voice. and i smoke. and my dad is dead , from cancer. fuck.
ever.
i feel hot and lonely and annoyed and aware and underwhelmed by people.
i feel like people think im really stoopid and i guess it may be that i’ve let them think that ; because the behaviours i get thrown are bizarre for grownup people.
maybe its just mercury, but i dont think so.
i do think its sad. and time for a change in my life, like keep going on aboot.