Archive for September, 2005
>listening to that jupiter song by train(?)it gets me feelling very …dramatic.
no, just ..i dontknow..something..i feel alot of things at present.
it’s so nice out today. got email from ca . he is so great. i can’t believe that i get myself in these weird mind frames that cause me to think such crappy thoughts. i feel very grateful/
i need to call mom.
and thank her.
apologize.
i just remembered why it is i live here
I mean, i used to know why.. the whole time i was living at the beach and after i moved to this place..i was constantly grateful and filled with a sense of joy-sheerly from walking to my car and feeling the air and the warmth, in february or whatever.Then something shifted, i don’t know when or exactly why, but i lost the sense of enchantment i had .
But then this eve, as i walked home, i felt it come over me again
the air is warm and…dareisayit…’dewey’
smells sweet ,too.
feel like i am walking on clouds. no reason. nothing has changed. i am just happy.
my life is good.i am free of some unnameable burden.
i feel ready to *do* sumthing. i want to paint or finish my site, or just be creative. i get so trapped in this state, i end up organizing and thinking waaay too much. i am doing the procrastination thing by writing in here.
Interseting concept:this online journal..i wonder what i am doing it for..i like it .i never write in a regular journal, but i’ll wake up thinking about what i want to write about in this.
i think it is a little ego feed ..release thing . i don’t know.
this will be my litmus test morning to see how max and i deal with the hour long meetings and his where abouts during these daily events..Will he stay outside and be a quiet boy?Or will it be car-time for ole max/?hmmm..we shall soon find out
Every sunday i , like a total fuckin freak groupie, go to The dragonfly , in west hollywood.
There is an eighties band called the spazmatics that play.
i m in fake pretend lust with the lead singer. he usually wears a neckbrace and they cover songs by alot of bands i really cant stand.the queer, depressed moody, poorissey….
but its my social staple.
what does all this say about the state of my social life?
fer gawds sake.
somebody save me
Technorati Tags: addiction, fuckinEh, music, hollywood, spazmatics, life, taintme, tannerc, gimmicks, fantasies, me, rawkstar
just talked to dk for the first time in forever…he seem really good. busy and happy.
think i am going to lcdp w/ j at 6:30 tonigt and then meet ab(maybe)for dinner later..or not.
another party at canteena.i feel so out of it, sort of.
feels lonely sometimes, going out to these parties. like everyone is so seperate from eachother.
god, i sound too tragic.
i put up a pictue page the link is on whoswho.
l
john maeda , via his site and summations, has become my_mentor.(byproxy)
and this is noteworthy beeecause….??welll..ive been a bit stuck in self pity nightmare , of late…embarrassingly due to my last client,James( who rules, btw) simply asking me for a link to a resume , so he cpould post it on his site..
Now, due to my me-ness, i ve not only NOT given him the simple textbyte he asked for, but ,as u can read,
ive dvelged up all sorts of fuckin annoying early-twenties angsty ghosts…
“oh no..what is the underlying passion that drives me”..”i dont know who i am anymore”…
“what my purpose…my goals”, etc….so gaddamn boring. and trully upsettingly annoying.
but fear for me not: from that freshly picked scab ive narrowed down my newly discovered soulsearch to this:
i am trying to formulate a clear picture of myself for myself, in the form of a neat tidy paragraph that states my skills , my life purpose, my goals..and then , in the (highly unlikely) case i were to have ANY descions to make or questions to answer, like..ever again in my soon to be awesome future…i ‘d be prepared.
So, in commitment to this goal, at least..i ve packed up work for a bit , and been quite literally, on a soul search online. It has me spend hours searching others’ portfolios and bios, to see if they outline anything that remotely resonates with what might be me or the me id like to be …..tiny snippets , perhaps , explaining what the fuck is it that i do for work, or
but , for all of our relief…..
today i had a breakthrough ‘ah-hah ‘ moment…. …I was at a pathetic random overwhelmed by itall/nothing teary moment thinking, ‘im sofuckin’fuckedcause i have no sense of self and ill never be focused enough to have a real purpose,let alone commit to a nice sweet boy** “ but today it dawned on me when i re-read this at a pivotal instance in my head-trip..
the gift
**please ‘scuse the last boy bit…seems i always come back to the lack of love/lust in moments of self pity*
Technorati Tags: direction, fantasies, fuckinEh, lame, life, life_path, lovelife, me, purpose, tannerc, weird, workish