Archive for October, 2005
i ve spent the last month fighting off this creeping feeling of loneliness. my day to day stuff has been busy enough to allow me to be successful in warding off dealing as long as i have..but the truth is , i realize in moments , that i dont like what im filling the spaces with. they are just fillers. the life stuff i avoided succesfully is eating away at me.
im worried about my mom. and i dont have any place where i feel i can talk about that. i dont need to talk about it- i just need to set my priorities. i just keep werking it away. i dont even go out ,like i used to, so to to speak, and that leaves lots of empty spots to fill with memememmememe. not good. me time is only good when u r totally out of yourself. and you need to find time for it.
when it ‘s always there it can wreck havok on your thinking, as it seems to have done for me, of late.
i notice im completely unable to just settle into myself- i have to be functional and functioning and doing something that i deem productive. its super lame for my sense of self or some shit.
when i talk to certain friends it becomes even more omnipotent: ie on im tonight- he said he was becoming the new parent he always loathed..but it was very sweet. and last week at lunch with jm– these friends of mine are living full lives that statisfy- following their paths and its galringly obivious i am not.
i am hiding in my life.
i post this as a way to be accountable . i have lots of things i love to do and still do but a fuck of a lot more that i dont do anymore or havent done yet.
this is my call to arms to myself. i’ve spent way to much time worrying about whats going on on the sidelines, so to speak.
to much energy worrying about assholes that dont have a thought of me remotely close to their thinking. i worried for you and for her and him. and i worried well.
but the thing that i missed is the worry never gave way to anything save for a few insights into human fear and how it causes more fear and worry and lack of action .
i need to get on with. im losing another parent. and that scares the shite out of me if i think about it.
one is one but both seems like a joke.
sooolame
i cant even fathom my own lameness. i fear writing it out; as once written down on the ole blog-it will make it more real. and really lame.
oh mah gawd. lame-o. i trully have fucked up priorities sometimes.
if im able to bypass the shame i will come forth with an explaination later ………when the shame as subsided.
>listening to that gay-est-of-the-of-man-purse-wearing-straight songs , jupiter drops(?)and …gawd, i’m ashamed to write this but…..
… its getting me feeling very……..errr….dramatic.
or no, just ..i dont know..something..i feel alot of things at present.
At present? no thats off. I feel alot of things alot.
I may not be an akc-tore..but i surely am theatrical, inside my mind.
next.
it’s so nice out today. got email from ca . he is so great. i can’t believe that i get myself in these weird mind frames that cause me to think such crappy thoughts. i feel very grateful/
i need to call mom.
and thank her.
and definetly apologize for being a shit.
i had some mistaken thoughts today.
i think i have them alot. i get an idear in my mind and because i think about it so much, i believe it to be true.
anyway, today it was this: living here is a bit like being in highschool. you can be cool and popular one day then it all turns on you the next; now..what isn’t true about this statement? well it is not ‘here’ per-se that this is true -although easily tagged as bitchy back satbing town to lay fault to….I , unfortuneatley( or maybe fortuneatly?)know that this social behaviour is everywhere.
It’s about who you choose to be friends with that dictates whether or not this is your reality.
it just seems more magnified down here with the extra elements of guestlists and casting directors, i guess.
genius
… use of an iPod;
oh.local newspaper:by the way…I am sooo ahead of you
same sorta headline sentiment, anyway.
awesome invention/adaption/link from dapreview.net
Technorati Tags: a-Ha, art, design, direction, genius, life, purpose, smoke
so i thought i was going to a quick orson show at avalon this eve…as in : they are on at 10 over at 10 45. home by 11.
haha. couldnt be so simple.
I decide to go out after making morning plans to go to a yoga class in venice with mw-at like 9 am…my thinking was alongthe lines of “ perfect..i’ll quickly see orson,…get home by 1130, bathtub,,,bed. early yoga…at the beach. ”nice thought….unfortunately,no.
it turns out the orson show is some benefit with like 45 bands( ‘bands’ is a strong term for a few of the performances) and orson is playing last. of course. funny thing is all the kids left before the main awesome-ness went on. damn did those freaks miss out. and i dont use the term freaks lightly; it was unreal hollyweird people watching this eve.. (thankgawd…at least for the distraction from the rockin nightmares on stage whilst i awaited orson)
in the hollyweird parade this eve: ..you had your weeknight bridge and tunnel ‘clubbers’ -late 20′s through to 40′s..all in their best inland empire interperations of p’glamorous’ hollywood style…takin from the pages of people magaqzine.
think britney meets ivana trump at the JC penneys?
sequins were spotted on three separate ladies..one in particular stands out … a golden bolero jacket that didn’t quite fit...over a nice’N'tight long sheathe of floral viscose. all this lovliness a touch drunk and yeilding an enormous faux letherette designer target ‘purse’ that whipped me in the hip about thirty times.
elegant and glamorous, indeed.
another fond memory? no prob.. : blonde frost n tipped muscle heavy height challenged dude in a crisp white cotton sport coat, worn ‘baggy’(?) over a crisper blue and white button-down shirt…and buttoned down, it was…..just enough so as to reveal to us all his perfext golden orange tan , that set off his impossibly whitened teeth ..which in fact matched his white leather dress shoes.
all true. i wish i had a picture for you.
it was awesome. mix it all up in the dank slimy-ness that is the Avalon…and being it wasn’t quite full this eve… you’re prone to notice every roach and creep …with above fore-mentioned “bands” , it was quite the spectacal.
But my favorite person there?
the most incredible female ‘host’ mc EVER. between each precious moment btwn the bands..she’d hold her lips just so…against the mike and entertain us all with her ‘crazy’ talking and cajolling of the crowd.. constantly referring to her singleness and lack of sex and lack of skills(?)
it was weird.
almost too weird to be annoying..but not quite…..she was definitely the most annoying human i ve encountered in a good long time.
but the last orson filled hour, nothing was annoying…
i dont remember liking a ‘local’ band this much , since shestolemybeer days..
think joe jackson meets wilco meets elvis costello on sesame street with lyle lovitt.
… Jason is an awesome frontman plus his lyrics and voice kick ass.go orson. you rawk.
Technorati Tags: genius, hollywood, life, orson, yoga, puppy, tannerc
Overheard in New York: The Voice of The City:
someone start an LA one, at once.