the title means nothing. it just sorta combines the spackling of thoughts and stuff that flew through my life today.
So you should probably stop reading right now , unless you’re sooo bored that u think u can handle the crazy train im on this am – this post is going nowhere…but im doing an excercise of writing for twenty minutes a day..regardless of what i write. . so goodbye or buckle up and en-yoy.remember :you’ve been warned:
My Synchronicity study : is it real? or is it Hollywood?
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Every sunday i , like a total fuckin freak groupie, go to The dragonfly , in west hollywood.
There is an eighties band called the spazmatics that play.
i m in fake pretend lust with the lead singer. he usually wears a neckbrace and they cover songs by alot of bands i really cant stand.the queer, depressed moody, poorissey….
but its my social staple.
what does all this say about the state of my social life?
fer gawds sake.
somebody save me
Technorati Tags: addiction, fuckinEh, music, hollywood, spazmatics, life, taintme, tannerc, gimmicks, fantasies, me, rawkstar
so maria is here scouring out the spiders and mould i have accumulated over the terrential downpour season ,( as apposed to rainy )
havent heard hide nor hair of mom. shitty.
..yesterday was interesting/cool. i offered up my house for jken to host a brunch for jp ‘s bday here ( JP doesnt live here, he’s from the NorthEast-but as is nature of the a long healthy rocknroll careeer – he has many friends/fam in hollywood)…random nice interesting.easy.
Although..i was a little worse for the wear at the start -jken called to start seting up just as i was 30 mins into a lite sleep…**remember?i was up fixxing my PBook alll night. -i bet i looked cute ….to the cool & odd assortment of JP’s LA based friends collected in.. friends/fam from varying tours arrived..No biggy , really, if it had been only these…a and d , dcr and his new friendee and t(* who , i just found out, lives in the same building as the BLACK DAHLIA lived in….how bill curtis cool is that?) kit wes….jk ab dloh etc….but there was one guitartech that arrived ..and seeing as i only ever seethese people at concerts …i was a little taken aback ..and then a certain guitarTech INTERUPT THIS POST FOR STORY REFFERAL *the boy from 2 falls ago, who was j’s guitar tech..and at some point during beg. of tour?or reheasals..i decided was my kinda sk8tr cute…no biggie- i crush in n out all day everyday..’cept..i ,at some point,then mention it on IM while they are away ..and jk(out of boredom..or maybe cause he was mid relashionshit..so he wtd friends to be too?)anyways..he tells me to come out on the road and visit.. ( this is how a rwkstar sets up his friends) …i do..(cause thats cool trip regardless of setup..)
except i pick the fricking week they’re in minneapolis…indiana, i think? mid west , regardless in REAL winter…and upon my arrival…The guy…he…(cute sk8tr guitar tech) …never… said …one…word to me. not one. From the moment i arrived to the day i departed..not hi even.
in hinde sight..i guess.. there is something about the boss of you on tour , telling you to like some girl hes bff with, and ..well…i guess that’s prolly kinda daunting/weird and perhaps OFF putting. )..
But…as the worldturnsout….. i ended up having the best trip, i think becuase , we were in such little earnest towns. canadain-ish.no one else was out visiting, so i got to do the passes for tf and stuff. of course my fake pretend boyfriend/funniest person ever was there too(jfr)…so it was fun. But eversince this trip – i ve felt mighty awkward -kind of a lot like the homely little sister of the cool guys-around guitarTechDude…ive only seen him at their shows ..maybe 4 more times.but to see him walk in to my living room, after i was up fixing the computer all night, expecting no former present or future crushes to arrive at all…..hmm. well i ll just say this thank J H christ-uffer that i no longer have a crush – cause otherwise i would be in a pit of unrest over this.* END OF REF STORY…
but… someone was cute to me yesterday…weird strange new crush on someone maybe? i m not telling anyone ; because my dear dotting friends/family with their over zealous need to figure out why i dont “date” like them…. either get so happy im liking someone that they overdue the PUSH.(see above).ahem..or they’ll shoot it down HARD- which sucks equally. i mean who wants to date someone yourfriends think is dumb.raison nuomere trois : why allison doesn’t date.
vegas puts my body in a weird state; i am very anxiety riddled..
yet about nuthing at all..(except perhaps , mom)has ‘happened’
yet,i constantly feel as though i am on the verge of some …thing….?an idea ? a boy? ..great party? /creative burst? …… something…but the reality seems to be that i just want to get to the gambling..All the anxiety seems to stem from competitve emotions that are tri.ggered shsss. guess all it means is:i love winning,,,i never thought i did ,,,but the feeling of winning against all odds..i feel like i am ….invincable..ish
its christmas day. im in vegas.
again. kinda fun.sad.eerie/meloncholly creepy but good.
mom kelly are across the hall..we are staying at TheHotel
flew out last night , after minor emotional family drama,
cs (rNDOMLY)CAME WITH US.
THAT WAS FUN.
he flew back this afternoon to tend to his dog.
did a little stocking ceremony at lunchtime.
last night we went gambling – both c and i won .
(he on much LARGER Stakes…)
i won 480 on 50 cent slots at hardrock.
and bluffed /brokeeven on poker table
he played craps..
kel roulllet
im sorta anxious right now. not sure what about.
need to settle.
lots of free floating fears..always when i m around m.
Mom is living in san clemente now.
i guess.. that swhat she told me, anyhow.
pretty cool, as she ll be close but not at my house.
and i have a beach escapre.
ipod wont work..and im not in the mode to figure out why.
the evening is approaching..will write more soon.
talking about past shit with d,
its soo odd to remember what it is i used to live for ( not heroin)
travelling outside adventure fun new worlds
i got sober in la and have stayed true to the stayed and true lifestyle of non adveturous-ness.
its been good to me, but its now irked me into restlessness.
i feel like an old part of myself woke up tonight.
its 8:02 ;i’ve run and
now im sitting in awesome-ness that is my living room .
..i took all the shit(clutter) out ,over the last few weeks and finally
it seems to be where i need it to be.
rug that dloh got me rules sooo much. i will never underestimate the design eye of dannylohner again.
now i must figure out if im moving the office or not.
hmmmm
i like my life in this moment very much.
nothing but fun desicions
running makes me euphoric a bit, i think.
i know..i just forgot.
its a good euphoria though.
i ve got my notes and cameras and pb all spread before me with awesome mixes from L.c playing..
perhaps i may have some caffeine now.crazy
seems so pious to think about filling in the details of my life over the last few days- today seems like a dream- the first call i got was from ie at 6;50am then i went to the lc and it was weird. eerie and grey…which in and of itself isn’t wierd,because the weather has been grey for a few days, but this am-prior to knowing what had happened, i noticed how light and cool the sky looked-all pink clouds on blue pre-sunrise sky…(red sky in morning..sailor take warning?)
everyone around me tday has had different reactions to this. i feel overwhelmed and powerless and scared and sad and …odd. sorta like the day jord died. like i am in a dream and i can’t quite grasp the totality of it all .
tired now-felt like a long ass day.
amends to dk. done.
amends to jane, done. relief factor:none.
spoke to l. oh fuck. it sucked soo bad.
phone messages . i ended up leaving one that was so brutal and yucky,
he called back and i SMOKED> muther fucker.bad convo.
i can’t believe it.i can , actually. it was great , too.(the cigerette)
i am not going to start again , though.promise.
solar plexus sadness is soo strong these days . i guess i am in the middle of a big karmatic thing-a ma-jiggy..i guess.
cried like a small baby again this eve.
something in me snapped and i felt the loss of my relationship so deeply .(a-fucking-gain?!?!?)
like someone uncorked my solar plexus and every ounce of sadness gusshed out..
when is this shit going to be over?
i still think a smoke would feel unreal. i almost had one of lala’s ‘new’ brand…
i know it’s *cleansing* and shit,(to cry..not smoke) but the anger underneath is like a fire in my belly that
causes me to want to act out within these outbursts..like fire off really nasty emails or call and yell..
of course i didn’t,(don’t ever actually…’cept around d.)
went to les duex instead.met dj’s Ben and Jereme. sweet sweet( little) boys
raining like a noones bidness. nice.reminds me of afternoons when i was little and mom would let us stay inside and watch t.v.(rare..not the rain, but t.v. watching..)
cozy feeling.good day, thus far.returned almost all calls and emails.
unbelivable, really. for me.
the running theme:faith. in all areas of my life. all.
every single one. money . gc. boys. friends . it’s hard . scary actually.
i am in messy spots with D. haven’t heard from him since my ‘explosion’ yesterday.
oh well.
faith. getting some . want to smoke a bit but won’t, right now.
only thing stopping me is vanity and ego , i think.
a is having a tough time. i guess i should give her that grace right now.
very bitchy, but catches herself . i am sensi girl ,too. i feel lonely-ish.
not as scary as before, perhaps because i feel i have options. but still lonely.
need to let go ,absolutley.