amends to dk. done.
amends to jane, done. relief factor:none.
spoke to l. oh fuck. it sucked soo bad.
phone messages . i ended up leaving one that was so brutal and yucky,
he called back and i SMOKED> muther fucker.bad convo.
i can’t believe it.i can , actually. it was great , too.(the cigerette)
i am not going to start again , though.promise.
solar plexus sadness is soo strong these days . i guess i am in the middle of a big karmatic thing-a ma-jiggy..i guess.
amends to dk
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wimpy me
cried like a small baby again this eve.
something in me snapped and i felt the loss of my relationship so deeply .(a-fucking-gain?!?!?)
like someone uncorked my solar plexus and every ounce of sadness gusshed out..
when is this shit going to be over?
i still think a smoke would feel unreal. i almost had one of lala’s ‘new’ brand…
i know it’s *cleansing* and shit,(to cry..not smoke) but the anger underneath is like a fire in my belly that
causes me to want to act out within these outbursts..like fire off really nasty emails or call and yell..
of course i didn’t,(don’t ever actually…’cept around d.)
went to les duex instead.met dj’s Ben and Jereme. sweet sweet( little) boys
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2646669
raining like a noones bidness. nice.reminds me of afternoons when i was little and mom would let us stay inside and watch t.v.(rare..not the rain, but t.v. watching..)
cozy feeling.good day, thus far.returned almost all calls and emails.
unbelivable, really. for me.
the running theme:faith. in all areas of my life. all.
every single one. money . gc. boys. friends . it’s hard . scary actually.
i am in messy spots with D. haven’t heard from him since my ‘explosion’ yesterday.
oh well.
faith. getting some . want to smoke a bit but won’t, right now.
only thing stopping me is vanity and ego , i think.
a is having a tough time. i guess i should give her that grace right now.
very bitchy, but catches herself . i am sensi girl ,too. i feel lonely-ish.
not as scary as before, perhaps because i feel i have options. but still lonely.
need to let go ,absolutley.
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