it’s 4:49..haha G’s joke on me…well i have tried to ‘take care’ of myself today.
i went to the CH..saw CD and karen..left, then went to whole foods..
asked about nerve tonics for smoking cessation..??
got some homeopathic thing..
home.. ate sugar(fuckbadshitbadbad..)..worked alittle .
fell asleep(because of sugar , no doubt)
woke , ate salad talked to murph. called dk, even though i’m sorta mad at him..good thing i called as he was at the track..
he’s on his way over to go for coffee.
he is like a mirror ,but worse in some ways..his isolation etc.
Such a smart good looking charismatic funny-ass fucker-but sooo many hangups..
ahhwell
i’m sure the same has been said of me..
4:49
woke okay this morning..
woke okay this morning..then ten minutes into being awake, i was jolted into overwhelming feelings of dispair and anger and sadness ..seemingy out of nowhere.
was at breakfast with a and c and gordy and david and had to leave the table to fake a phone call because i couldn’t hold it together.
The randomness of this depression is bizarre to me.i feel so at it’s mercy.
i would do anything right now to stop feeling this way.
i think i need to relax into this cycle ,though, or it will never leave me.
so sad and angry
i am so sad and angry i don’t know when this is going to stop i want to smoke more than i’ve ever wanted to do anyfuckingthing in my life.
i’m so gaddamned irratating.(oops freudian slip?meant to say irratated..)
i am supposed to be at ap’s grammy party, then to karaoke.
whatever..i’m still in my workout stuff.
it’s 11pm and i am obsessed with how i feel
i have been for a month.
this writing is definetly helping
Don’t know if i miss the boy or if i miss cigarettes, and i just “think” i miss the boy..?who knows.Have had no contact for quite some time
how can you spend every day with someone for months and confide in them and trust them and then just leave it all..no thankyous or apologies or truths or revelations
nothing
silence
makes me feel sad
and mistrusting of my feelings
