Cut to.. now.

Cut to.. now. roof deck of le petit Ermitage in west Hollywood -warm already at 530 am on august 7th 2017 -my brother is sleeping downstairs, after  arriving earlier at lax and having not seen him in 2 and half years.
just typing that sentence made me cry a little,i haven’t seen my little brother in 2.5 years. im really crying.
partially from lack of sleep( its 530 am ) part due to lack of belief in the truth of that statement and how deep it is.. as in heavy and murky deep. and the whys and hows of that 2 1/2 years lapse.
there is so much in that time that i cant recover .
i cant fully recant it all to him or to you .
but this morning i decided that it is the day to start writing again. to start recanting after almost ten years. because it really feels like im in the beginning of a real life do-over. A new dawn.
So many familiar situations and  characters in my life right now. rf, my brother, mw shugs, mk, jd .. many  characters have changed since i began writing in 2000 but recently there are some really important people that have  drifted back in to join the newer people… oddly they  seem eerily similar to each other -the new and old. and the situations.. .
lets start with the house. the beautiful crazy expensive perfect amazing house i live in. its on the other side of town form 534 n orange drive, but its the same place 17 years later. i felt the same way signing the lease. terrified that i was about to drown in rent yet like i had put a jetpack on and somehow the home was the symbolic point of launch into the next BIG dimension.
i am again sober. i am again single and i am again floating alone in a universe that feels really full of lov.
and i have enemies. not my choice but people who are mad at me. are hurt by me and who i am scared of. there are monsters and demons. some unicorns and some peter-pan types.
i am floating a little lower to the ground this time around. i don’t feel the sparks of naive hope-for crazy dreams of marriage babies and enormous wealth .
but i see slivers of chances that were not there a few months ago.
i see daylight in the darkness through the bramble . i feel the sun on my now weathered skin , so it starts,…again a new beginning with so much experience going in ,its bound to be surprising and entertaining,
lill keep writing as it all unfolds -but like previous incarnations of this blog, i expect to change few names and give key players Pseudonyms
..but if you follow along you will figure out who you are or where and i am sorry if its not all pleasant..but its just life being documented so . we can get past it, right?

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