fuck you

its my birthday today and my dads anniversary.

it used to make me sad in a bad way , but not anymore . now, im just reflective and aware and appreciative .
oh..and a bit angry.
But in a goodway..like : ‘clear out mutherfckers..i dont need your badass attitude today, thank you very much’

My dad used to buy me flowers on my bday. (it made me feel sooo grownup when i was little)
So today ,for the first time since he died, i got sent flowers on my bday, (and funnily enough..from someone who is a bit fatherlike in my life.)
i also got a couple different renditions of happybirthday’s sung to me on voicemail.
even one live ..with real instruments(over the phone)
and a canadain “bob n doug” version, eh.

i found myself consistantly shocked by the thoughtfullness of each fonecall and nice gesture today and yesterday….-which is funny and kinda sad..because i ve always been so trusting and assured of relationships (somewhat ‘assuming’ really..That ill get the luv nomatter)but my reaction / shock today makes me see how that part of me has really been altered -which is completely due to my uncanny abilities to befriend and believe one **shitty terrible person after another **’terrible terrible shitty’ person …See,till very recently, i was the dumbass, always saying’cmon guys,,they really are just needing some frineds..they arent bad people..” then all of sudden…POOF- gone sometimes wth my ipod..sometimes with (queue the violins) a bit of my trust..BUT no more..!! . so to protectagainst such types, ive become suspicious of everyone s intentions…

**(‘terrible terrible shitty’ and **shitty terrible person’ are the unfortunately appropriate, oft used trademark references of dloh’s , to describe some of these ‘friends’i ve had in the past}

woah..dude,i m dropping scientific sized self assesments…im on fire
so ill continue :
i think im finally fucking beginning to stop caring about the shitty details that have kept me distracted from seeing the beauty of the nuances and wider perspective of what has become the landscape i live in ,
its as though i finally started to learn how to use the avid on the movie that is my life. ( excuse the hollywood -ish analogy)
my life today is not remotely what i thought it was,or would be..at all, but it feels like a fit to me, finally .

i love this picture: i was pissed about being interupted from telling dad some important stuff, apparently.