i ve spent the last month fighting off this creeping feeling of loneliness. my day to day stuff has been busy enough to allow me to be successful in warding off dealing as long as i have..but the truth is , i realize in moments , that i dont like what im filling the spaces with. they are just fillers. the life stuff i avoided succesfully is eating away at me.
im worried about my mom. and i dont have any place where i feel i can talk about that. i dont need to talk about it- i just need to set my priorities. i just keep werking it away. i dont even go out ,like i used to, so to to speak, and that leaves lots of empty spots to fill with memememmememe. not good. me time is only good when u r totally out of yourself. and you need to find time for it.
when it ‘s always there it can wreck havok on your thinking, as it seems to have done for me, of late.
i notice im completely unable to just settle into myself- i have to be functional and functioning and doing something that i deem productive. its super lame for my sense of self or some shit.
when i talk to certain friends it becomes even more omnipotent: ie on im tonight- he said he was becoming the new parent he always loathed..but it was very sweet. and last week at lunch with jm– these friends of mine are living full lives that statisfy- following their paths and its galringly obivious i am not.
i am hiding in my life.
i post this as a way to be accountable . i have lots of things i love to do and still do but a fuck of a lot more that i dont do anymore or havent done yet.
this is my call to arms to myself. i’ve spent way to much time worrying about whats going on on the sidelines, so to speak.
to much energy worrying about assholes that dont have a thought of me remotely close to their thinking. i worried for you and for her and him. and i worried well.
but the thing that i missed is the worry never gave way to anything save for a few insights into human fear and how it causes more fear and worry and lack of action .
i need to get on with. im losing another parent. and that scares the shite out of me if i think about it.
one is one but both seems like a joke.