remember that song ontom waits-mule…The one where he’s got saws and shit in the background..and he keeps saying “what is he doing over there..?” .. well
my nights are reiminiscent of this..my upstairs neighbour is constantly ‘doing shit’ and walking the floor of the apt with heavy heels…running up and down both sets of stairs…And he’s up all the time …no sleep for the trully bizzy, i guess..but really..what is he doing up there???making me a present..probably, right?
ok i am definetly in some sort of perplexing space with the state of my socialife..or lack there of.
very mellow and relaxing…i just always worry …what happened? how come im not getting 450 calls like before THAT I HATED but still..a bit catch 22 ish for the fickle.
those i do see or talk to consistantly, are trully family. like it or not , these people dont seem to be going anywhere :dl jk ie ls al am dv mw mj even tfox and jp are more deeply entrenched in my emotional vault than those i see much more often.interessant
…but i realize that most of the people ive spent most of my time with the last few years do not actually ..i dont know the right werds..its just a feeling i had upon pondering stuff and people..i guess there is 2 types of great friends in my world the boring stayed true ones, who never want to go out with me…but i know i could go to their homes at any given hour and theyd let me in..to geek out or whatever.the other type is the socially inclined friend, more about how we can work off each other for maximum fun …generally,m not having breakfast with them, or feeling any general safety with these people.i just feel..well very little authentic emotions come up for me when i think of these kids(my Social-scentsters.).. as much as i love going out and stuff and doing the gay LA stuff that my core group WILL NEVR do.. i can go to their house to get out of mine.nomatter,anyof those guys i could do that.the friends of my *late* sociallife..not so much.
i guess thats how ill define my relatiosnhips for now..could i see myself showing up at your house mid day to watchtv or geek out on computers? y or n.
on the social tip:i m growing up ..because i no longer have any false idea that i m excluded from missing anything, if not there where IT is happnin. whatevah….besides..i KNOW that i dont ever or never yet , meet people in clubs or out..everytimE i go out, i do meet people..just not dates or future close friends, more like idiots whom I am trying to make less annoying for other people by picking up talking to the least interesting(?) person …ive only ever met people who later became special via others i am already tight with…its all an inside job, eh
im too shy for the approach outside…
i sorta feel liberated and sad at the same time..not uncommon to have these two emotions in the same salon of experience., i guess…*shit, there he goes again..just ran up the stairs loud as hell…again( down) friend of his is here..they are talking very loud-i dont care btw, im just doing my online literary version of tom w’s song.
i mean, im up..they arent disrupting me..and i cant stand my other neigbours,not worrie dabout their sleep…as they’re an amazingly awful family from isreal..hassidic, whom i tried so hard to befriend, but htey are in so much post traumatic stress, i only send them love from the far reaches of our compound…little contact as it always ends up crazy
upon moving in , they took over our driveway, in a hostile take over..its crazy they dont let anyone park in our communal driveway…if we forced it ( which we have done a few times) they make it so difficult to get in and out ..it is not worthit. and we know call it the gaza strip.. they trully are screaming bloody murder at each other,at least 4 nights aweek..so bad that when they first moved , in both G and i thought they were killing each other.naive wasps we are.
thats how they COMMUNICATE…ive come to gather.
my mom is still here-She is in dana point. not doing very well…but i am totally avoiding it.
i call once a day( she NEVER answers)
and leave a message. i do not know what to do.
i guess i should look into that pronto.
i think the vandals played tonight, if im not mistaken , at the wiltern with puddle of mudd…what a weird combo