Archive for September, 2003
gl’s bday party-sit down dinner at falcone…woah. i had a nice time-sat with a guy visiting from canada(victoria)very nice and cool.drove mel to a party downtown-ugh-then to feed the cats in bw.so nice here.so peacful-havent felt this much serenity in a long time-qat least since canada-so actually only a week.
dlo ie and ls went out to the funeral today-very sad.three suicides in ten days. mom is doing well-mtgs etc. i need to let this shit go- i cant function with with chaos- yet i draw it in. i feel so conflicted .it is like watching a movie or a bad dream..cant control the outcome- just want everyone to be nice and happy. including myself.
i am happy- i love the people in my life. i have to remember this.especially when i feel like the world is caving in because everyone else is unhappy(seemingly)it is magic when i remember my happiness and am able to feel it amidst whatever is happening outside. but i know that i am staring to go back (or forwardor horizontal or whatever)-to the place of being in peace. i feel it tonight.
underworld premier went w/ dlo to wes and heathersthen met ie and ls and the brkstr there. i sat outside the whole movie practically- it was cool looking just terrible seats in the front row to the left- killed my neck.i am so glad ls came – we got to hang out and smoke while they watched. she is funny.and loves ie and makes him happy. what more could one ask for?i wonder when i will have that. i am so barricaded – i am readfy for some dude to just break thru the barricades(to quote bry adams)and hiton me or something.weirdly awful-good-necasserry week. alcoholism suicide record release disconnected-ness.i feel conflicted and if step in the wrong spot i wil be blown up .i cant believe the insensitivity-or actually way beyond insensitivity-self obsessed false postuering behaviour of some.it saddens me to no end. i want things to be good and happy- moments like how i felt in qc. perfect able to be present feel joy in the moment and full odf love for evryone around me and gratitude for being where i was.i dont think this is unattainable- i just think so many others think it is that i forget that i can be happy at any chosen moment. i am disatisfied with my life in many areas after coming back from canada- i want to be inspired to do authentic stuff that i love-from my cells-like those around me- but the problem is i think my path is about love and service – cause the only thing i thrive in -is listening and understanding and showing different ways to people. fuck- i dont know what i am talking about- i do know that i miss people again. i stopped missing people a long time ago- perhaps out of self protection and part outof having unmissable people around. but now i do; i miss my dad. alot. i thought about him so much in canada it hurt my stomach . but i think missing people is indicitive of a void in my life- a lack of intimacy maybe- no i am intimate with a few people- i am definetly unguarded around 2 or 3 people- but never always and completely.i am scared of being really close because then…?
underword premier went w/ dlo to wes and heathers
then met ie and ls and the brkstr there. i sat outside the whole movie practically- it was cool looking just terrible seats in the front row to the left- killed my neck.
i am so glad ls came – we got to hang out and smoke while they watched. she is funny.and loves ie and makes him happy. what more could one ask for?
i wonder whn i will have that. i am so barricaded – i am readfy for some dude to just break thru the barricades(to quote bry adams)
and hiton me or something.
weirdly awful-good-necasserry week. alcoholism suicide record release disconnected-ness.
i feel conflicted and if step in the wrong spot i wil be blown up .
i cant believe the insensitivity-or actually way beyond insensitivity-self obsessed false postuering behaviour of some.
it sadens me to no end. i want things to be good and happy- moments like how i felt in qc. perfect able to be present feel joy in the moment and full odf love for evryone around me and gratitude for being where i was.
i dont think this is unattainable- i just think so many others think it is that i forget that i can be happy at any chosen moment. i am disatisfied with my life in many areas after coming back from canada- i want to be inspired to do authentic stuff that i love-from my cells-like those around me- but the problem is i think my path is about love and service – cause the only thing i thrive in -is listening and understanding and showing different ways to people. fuck- i dont know what i am talking about- i do know that i miss people again. i stopped missing people a long time ago- perhaps out of self protection and part outof having unmissable people around. but now i do ,imiss my dad. alot. i thought about him so much in canada it hurt my stomach . but i think the missing people is indicitive of a void in my llife- a lack of intimacy maybe- no i am intimate with a few people- i am definetly unguarded around 2 or 3 people- but never always and completely.
i am scared of being really close because then