ok so if u read all the last 5 enteries it seems a bit like i am vacilating. but what is happening is this: i let things slide , i take the blame for other peoples behaviour all the time. i assume the role of the crazy one or the dramtic one. i ‘m not…

what?

i cant really believe this has happened again. this dreadful fucking feeling in my gut. but what i cant really trully belive is that i am ok. i am not without alot of perspective.i see it for what it is. not too personal. although the part of me that remembers sweetness and goodness in someones…

so much good stuff right now. i feel happy and full of energy. went to malibu last night. fun. then dinner w/ lala and dk and ns. i had such a nice night. dont feel scared or weird or all those yucky things that i felt before when i quit smoking. feel overwhelmed when iit…

these are the questions posed to me from my linkdup pal through blogger insider. 1. What made you decide to quit smoking? found out that it was all a lie….also,vanity and health and relationship with nonsmoker was getting touchy cause of my smoking. How long had you been a smoker? 16 years How long since…

hmm. revelation of the day:i don’t think i should try to be part of ch’s life unless invited. i see my part in acting like a freak. i got overwhelmed with not smoking and not feeling ‘protected’ or whatever.. anyway i put alot of shit on him last night that he didnt deserve-at all. poor…

“The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decisions, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have…

went to an awesome yoga class last night. really amazing. going running right now.the key for me is t keep busy and do a lot of excercise. i ahve to change my life completely or else i am doomed to smoke again or get fat and depressed.great dinner visit last night ss and ad lel…

had such an awesome night. went for dinner with b and ss. he is soo awesome. unbelievabley cool and got his shit together..emotionally spiritually. it seems to me. we sat for two hours and sat and chatted about life etc. he’s got a website. i’ll find it and put up a link to it. he…

dont feel insane-feel invigorated. wlked down melrose. talked to bm. new ss for smoking. went for a little run . went to the bank w/ ch. got to see him for 1/2 hour. nice. not really worried abou that relationship anymore-if its meant to be it’ll be revealed or whatevr. i guess. over all the…

i am out of it. things are crazy in my body. i’ve slept sooo much over the last few days and feel weird. but im ok i guess. just trying to give up these stoopid things called cigarettes. feel pretty alone in the whole thing though. yuck. . i dont care though,

interesting to see peoples true colors watching them make that choice …know they will always make that choice.