.it’s not just a rad neil young song anymore..it’s what i am.
not  in a ‘babyish’ way..or “stop acting like a child” way-( not to say im not these ways too..)
but im referring to  the child like shock (and awe)  that befalls me all to often, when  i am forced to see that the humans ive chosen to surround myself with, behave like really mean fucks. that a friend that  i ve come to completely trust, has absolutely none of the loyalty or respect if it serves them otherwise and the worst part is :its my fault , like 98 percent of the time.
I know this for hindsight: its the same situation  everytime, variables being only the person. and i never see it.
instead they are usually the person  i choose to bond and open up with the most at a given period and  to me they  seem truly like soul friends..understanding these odd paths we are on..protecting and supporting through thick n thin..right brah?
not usually. why cant i remember this. why cant i become-perceptive to who is likely to do this: id love to  be  rigid and stoic in certain areas. but seems I’m still not.
 i am 34 and i can tell you every detail from the first tim was s in shock and awed:
the weather outside(mid fall late afternoon,dreary vancouver) and what we were having for dinner(stew),  grade 3 , ridge-view elementary school: megan m was my bff, meganG was a family friend of mine whom had moved to our school and i was delighted meganM and her an id and all our friends got along so well..we’d formed a group..i remember so well, feeling overly happy that everyone liked each other etc…till one day..right after lunch  , in mrs Humphrey class, we were sitting down to watch a video…and i offered one of the megans a halls candy ( special treat b/of cold) and i remember the light in the classroom(dark-ights dimmed for movie) ,the color of the chair(orange plastic, no arms) my brown courd pants and then the  giggling girls just ignoring my offer. 
 i found out later ,it was  a new game, that new meganG brought to our school: running away.
they would pick someone,randomly,  and stop talking to them when in close proximity…. and yell things( with all the boys on their side) whilst at a safe distance..like when u were walking across the field  after eating lunch at home, because you didn’t have anyone to eat with and you were terrified.
   it was the first time i remember being sworn at by a peer. ‘fucking beached whale'( this ones laughable because i was so skinny and gangly ) and bitch. i was feeling the first pang of human betrayal. out of the blue ,mean crappy not nice behavior. back then it shocked me more than hurt, i think…because i didn’t understand it at all and they were forced to apologize and we befriended soon after…but now the shock quickly breaks my heart. Its just another reason i have to distrust myself and my life.
so i really honestly am a child  ive been given more than anyone i knows full on opportunity to recognize these types and be cautious and discerning..and i think i am…till . i  dont expect it . at all. not once. and  its been repeated , 
over and over and over and and over over –  considering  i have over 34 years of being on earth and 8 of them , here, in this town– how come im not tougher. why does it upset me when i see someone else get hurt? i cant stand to see people hurt intentionally or for no reason. it makes me irate. and still… i constantly let it happen to myself.
brutal.