letter to you,

you told me i should make something of this, of my site, that i really “had” something.Thanks.
it was a really cool thing for you to say.
and i appreciate your input.
the thing is, that day, when you told me that , that i should do something with this, i really wanted to talk about that , in depth, over coffee, and then dinner, to feel like i mattered to you.
to be someone you were excited to hangout with.
more than just a person you had to quickly spend a minute with.
i wanted to tell you how awful i felt inside and how scared i was. but the thing is i was scared, so fucking scared, that you would be mad at me and lash out at me.
or that you wouldnt hear me.
so i got you to where you wanted to really be. not with me. but with your friends, who seem so cool and fun. and i left you there. and i drove home , feeling sadder than i had ever felt in my adult life.
knowing you had no idea how important you were to me, or worse, if you did, you didnt really care.
i am publishing this because maybe you will read it and understand me a little better.
i hope so.
i hope you dont get angry.