my own personal pergatory….
Iam stuck somewhere between my old version ‘fantasies’ and new, ..yet unrealized ,ones…hence: my own personal pergatory….
And by fantasies i mean what i wish for in my life ie:” i really want to be a fireman when i growup”…it referes to what i really ‘want’ for myself and /or can work towards .. and somewhere in the last few years a shit lot of who i thought i was and wished for has drastically shifted, seemingly without my verification….like if i find myself saying “oh i love chocolate, i want to own a chocolate factory oneday” , or,” i cant stand the cure ,they are queer.” i’m repeatedly noticing as the words tumble out, that i am , essentially, lying. Its force of habit in that its just a mode of reinforcing who i am, however teenage of a habit it seems ..its asserting indepence via opinion and taste..”oh you know allison creelman, she hates going to the movies, and wants to own a chocolate factory that never plays the cure”.. definitive statements that seem to have formed my vision for myself…and i did USED to love/loathe whatever it is im defining( or ranting about..)
till recently… Now alot of it doesnt even remotely resonate with me. case in point:
: i ALWAYs wanted tons of kids..never thought twice about it..and i used to feel terrible for older people who didnt have any…But i trully , at this point in my career as me, do not want to have a baby. not one or 3.
i just dont see it , it feels weird and foreign.When this shift happened and why, i havent a clue, but its very much true .
this may change but , for the time being im allgood with being auntie al.
i have dhlk, who is mostly a grownup now…and now there’s jack and max and a few other babies around that kwell any curiousity for me, for now.
Also, im not afraid of commiting to things or people anymore..i like to, in a general sense, have structure..somewhere to be, if u will.
it feells good to be / do what i say. i may be late for appointments and dates forever..but i like to structure some of my time ..it feels safer.(and this shift is big for me..bigger than the kid one)
i like working, but i don’t like my werk. i dont feel like its the thing i should be doing . at all. i like the tech side soooo much more than the design side. but it still all seems to leave me falling short..i dont have the inguienuity to thrive as designer…in that i am not specific enough in any one area of work.i am a problem solver for minor code tweeks…and as much as i do love this…creating routes around for broken things and applications…i m basically ..no
serious flash-as2 and oop ,little cocoa, underneath a little php, with just enough java script. all nestled into a new obsession with web standards and css possibilities… plus bonus (read:boring)abilities encoding video & setting up streaming servers to play it on…you need these little fixes , and everyone does…i m your person.but none of this is specific or definable, for me…see i cant seem to write a resume to save my life -or get me a job, for that matter. guess where this sort of skill base sounds kinda techy cool to ,say, my mom, but it leaves me in the postion of taking jobs to tweak broken websites, fix internet connections, setup email servers here..”fix ” the network here…re-encode some video a,ftp a bunch of stuff …or my personal fav:
just ‘whipping’ up a “quick” free flash site for friends ( nod to lono here, re earlier convo) .so its little piddly jobs or way bigger than i shoould say yes to , free jobs.
where does this leave me?
a little baffled as to why/ where/ how i ended up here…quite proud of the stuff i have self learn-ed but un satisfied.
i need input really.. i would love to hear suggestions. what am i missing , or overlooking, that will lead me down that golden path we are all supposed to find and follow?