Posts Tagged ‘static’
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Wow. Today , after a lovely long sleep, I started cLeaning the shit out of my house, and my life which includes, but is not limted to:my house, my car, my comptuer(s) ,and my external HD’s…And this lands me in the trench of lost itunes folders.. folders into folders into folders Jesus mac what a weird system.BUT..I did Happen upon some lost fav songs.. Special mp3s, that evoke CRAZY memories.more-than-a-feeling-You Love it.
: Listen LOUD, mid-afternoon, preferably with streaming late aft. sunshine…whilst cleaning… and sing.
Killer.
Also:
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Classic RockOwtWithYer..
Allow me to “toot” my own horn:not bad photographry for one who who knows nuthing of it and with200 bestbuy camera eh?
Or "how James frey Stole My Future husband" You see..when that shit book originally came out- and everyone was raving about (and buying) James Freys :
“ .. shattering, beautiful memoir, A Million Little Pieces,"Basically , i saw it as being personally dream- jacked Read More
when you thin your life out , via separating yourself from certain friends and associates…and consciously choose to withdraw from situations that seem to have caused you grief…its a good thing.
Mostly.
i am used to 120 friends and phone calls a day ….and in the great cleanout of 2005 it has dropped remarkably..( 100 percent for the better..as most of those calls were annoying timesuckers and led to drama and chaos that usually wasnt mine…but somehow always drew me in)
… now i am contacted , perhaps 5 times a day and 3 of those are usually work.
which is great and a total feat for my codependant self….
Except when..you are bored and/or lonely. (not lonely like crying miserable codependant lonely…more subtle )
.and this will happen when you clean out the clutter… .
because see, the new life has these moments of deadair , which are fine and probably very healthy..
it just seems that at the quietest and hollowest of these longer moments .. i am most vulnerable to falling in and back…ie:making a call’ just to see whats up’ with old so-and-so.….never a good idea, im finding out..cause its always the same….
sure the old aquaints can fill my deadair up ;
even make me feel great for a few minutes….but soon enough they are trying to pull me back in….
via telling me their stories of chaos and betrayl- that are usually the exact same as last year…but always very very important and real to them and all of a sudden seemingly real to me….
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Technorati Tags: life, life_path, me, purpose, synchronicity, tannerc
the title means nothing. it just sorta combines the spackling of thoughts and stuff that flew through my life today.
So you should probably stop reading right now , unless you’re sooo bored that u think u can handle the crazy train im on this am – this post is going nowhere…but im doing an excercise of writing for twenty minutes a day..regardless of what i write. . so goodbye or buckle up and en-yoy.remember :you’ve been warned:
My Synchronicity study : is it real? or is it Hollywood?
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music is.
best ever.
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it trumps every other bestever everytime.
bestever food, boys. .friends boyfriends..and anything …
EVER.
it is so awesome, that i wish i could crawl into some songs and just live there.
”where’s allison living these days?
oh she’s moved to that peter gabriel song , somewhere in us or your eyes”.
That would be awesome. like the aHa video. how rad. m theory? 11th dimension..well i think this is the twelth.
certain songs come with not just feelings ands landsacapes in my minds eye; but whole universes with dogs and houses and familys and streetlights and alot of other stuff.
fuck westside rentals, im looking on itunes for a new pad.
my own personal pergatory….
help
Iam stuck somewhere between my old version ‘fantasies’ and new, ..yet unrealized ,ones…hence: my own personal pergatory….
And by fantasies i mean what i wish for in my life ie:” i really want to be a fireman when i growup”…it referes to what i really ‘want’ for myself and /or can work towards .. and somewhere in the last few years a shit lot of who i thought i was and wished for has drastically shifted, seemingly without my verification….like if i find myself saying “oh i love chocolate, i want to own a chocolate factory oneday” , or,” i cant stand the cure ,they are queer.” i’m repeatedly noticing as the words tumble out, that i am , essentially, lying. Its force of habit in that its just a mode of reinforcing who i am, however teenage of a habit it seems ..its asserting indepence via opinion and taste..”oh you know allison creelman, she hates going to the movies, and wants to own a chocolate factory that never plays the cure”.. definitive statements that seem to have formed my vision for myself…and i did USED to love/loathe whatever it is im defining( or ranting about..)
till recently… Now alot of it doesnt even remotely resonate with me. case in point:
: i ALWAYs wanted tons of kids..never thought twice about it..and i used to feel terrible for older people who didnt have any…But i trully , at this point in my career as me, do not want to have a baby. not one or 3.
i just dont see it , it feels weird and foreign.When this shift happened and why, i havent a clue, but its very much true .
this may change but , for the time being im allgood with being auntie al.
i have dhlk, who is mostly a grownup now…and now there’s jack and max and a few other babies around that kwell any curiousity for me, for now.
Also, im not afraid of commiting to things or people anymore..i like to, in a general sense, have structure..somewhere to be, if u will.
it feells good to be / do what i say. i may be late for appointments and dates forever..but i like to structure some of my time ..it feels safer.(and this shift is big for me..bigger than the kid one)
another biggy:
i like working, but i don’t like my werk. i dont feel like its the thing i should be doing . at all. i like the tech side soooo much more than the design side. but it still all seems to leave me falling short..i dont have the inguienuity to thrive as designer…in that i am not specific enough in any one area of work.i am a problem solver for minor code tweeks…and as much as i do love this…creating routes around for broken things and applications…i m basically ..no
serious flash-as2 and oop ,little cocoa, underneath a little php, with just enough java script. all nestled into a new obsession with web standards and css possibilities… plus bonus (read:boring)abilities encoding video & setting up streaming servers to play it on…you need these little fixes , and everyone does…i m your person.but none of this is specific or definable, for me…see i cant seem to write a resume to save my life -or get me a job, for that matter. guess where this sort of skill base sounds kinda techy cool to ,say, my mom, but it leaves me in the postion of taking jobs to tweak broken websites, fix internet connections, setup email servers here..”fix ” the network here…re-encode some video a,ftp a bunch of stuff …or my personal fav:
just ‘whipping’ up a “quick” free flash site for friends ( nod to lono here, re earlier convo) .so its little piddly jobs or way bigger than i shoould say yes to , free jobs.
where does this leave me?
a little baffled as to why/ where/ how i ended up here…quite proud of the stuff i have self learn-ed but un satisfied.
i need input really.. i would love to hear suggestions. what am i missing , or overlooking, that will lead me down that golden path we are all supposed to find and follow?
help
Technorati Tags: bio, direction, fantasies, flake, genius, hollywood, life, life_path, me, purpose, tannerc, workish
Perhaps i have insomnia?, add?, lack of something….but for some reason
..i ended up staying up way too late even though im exhausted…and perusing local blogs. i dont do this often anymore..seemed for awhile it got to be less interesting when every teenager in asia started a blog and id somehow end up on those…but with recent discover of local community rolls..a la ‘lablogs‘ etc etc…i got to looking and reading..some really fuckin awesome sites . blogs with the same base purpose and enjoyment that i have..which i like..not monitary based,..and not ‘contrived’… more outlet based.
Funnily , the one i ended up reading the longest was Tom Greens, i’d seen it last year some time..xmas i think.. and i remember liking it alot, but as i tend to do..i forgot about it..but there it was tonight on blogebrity, i believe..and as i ve been feeling homesick-ish as of late..it was comforting to read. First cause he’s canadian ..and because hes been writing from up there( sakatchewan , and ottawa to be exact,) and one of the first blurbs i read..he referrenced Farely Mowat damn! that got me.wolves and owls…tres canadianne
i forgot how much i loved those books.
and he got to meet Jean Chretian, and it just had a lovely canadian tone.. down to hanging with his parents (sorta) playing trivial pursuit .
he just seems like a nice smart grounded boy. *but then again i seem alot of things via this that i dont think i am in real life…oh what do i know?..im definetly over tired, dude.*
anyway..its a great site.
all this perusing got me thinking , too..about how weird & common “blogging” is….
DISCLAIMER: i am about to do ‘back when i started blogging” thing..but its not meant to be a condescending or territorial..just observatory and speculative ..allright?k..
so..carry on my wayaward sons:
Back when i started doing this ( writingnotes/journal at taintme)it was really trully small and sorta secretive loser-ish community. i didnt know one single other person (in the flesh, that is; i knew online people)-who wrote online or had ‘blogs’…But now:its a totally different ‘thing’ , blogging is. Lots and lots of people i know and am related to even, write online..
i wonder sometimes, what the hell i could have done with mine – had i had foresight or motivation..
oh well. i love it still.the outlet is irreplaceable and as it stands taintme has become my secret soapbox, private journal, crush keeper, gossip outlet and theraputic-confidant. its the most consistant ritual ive had in in my adult life. this ..blog thing taintme.
it has directly caused me: to lose friendships, total embarrasment, gotten me a date, ( ONE…and it sucked)
broughtme closer to family members, made me a few new friends..and lots of other random attributes i cant remember . so thats kewl.
next order of my mind:
i feel directionless right now. like im swimming in my life , but its a wading pool. and its really hot out..so i just stay in the water cause its cooler..and sorta easier..albeit getting increasingly more uncomfortable.. I just tread water to avoid getting out and having to deal.’
kinda a bad analogy..but im overtired and the visual is working for me. forgive.
i wonder how i can change things now. i dont like this holding pattern at all , as of this week.
its so weird how i have tiny revelations over nothing ( seemingly) and all of a sudden my life doesnt work for me anymore.
Technorati Tags: hollywood, directionless, canada, farley mowatt, me, tannerc, tom green, jean chretian
so maria is here scouring out the spiders and mould i have accumulated over the terrential downpour season ,( as apposed to rainy )
havent heard hide nor hair of mom. shitty.
..yesterday was interesting/cool. i offered up my house for jken to host a brunch for jp ‘s bday here ( JP doesnt live here, he’s from the NorthEast-but as is nature of the a long healthy rocknroll careeer – he has many friends/fam in hollywood)…random nice interesting.easy.
Although..i was a little worse for the wear at the start -jken called to start seting up just as i was 30 mins into a lite sleep…**remember?i was up fixxing my PBook alll night. -i bet i looked cute ….to the cool & odd assortment of JP’s LA based friends collected in.. friends/fam from varying tours arrived..No biggy , really, if it had been only these…a and d , dcr and his new friendee and t(* who , i just found out, lives in the same building as the BLACK DAHLIA lived in….how bill curtis cool is that?) kit wes….jk ab dloh etc….but there was one guitartech that arrived ..and seeing as i only ever seethese people at concerts …i was a little taken aback ..and then a certain guitarTech INTERUPT THIS POST FOR STORY REFFERAL *the boy from 2 falls ago, who was j’s guitar tech..and at some point during beg. of tour?or reheasals..i decided was my kinda sk8tr cute…no biggie- i crush in n out all day everyday..’cept..i ,at some point,then mention it on IM while they are away ..and jk(out of boredom..or maybe cause he was mid relashionshit..so he wtd friends to be too?)anyways..he tells me to come out on the road and visit.. ( this is how a rwkstar sets up his friends) …i do..(cause thats cool trip regardless of setup..)
except i pick the fricking week they’re in minneapolis…indiana, i think? mid west , regardless in REAL winter…and upon my arrival…The guy…he…(cute sk8tr guitar tech) …never… said …one…word to me. not one. From the moment i arrived to the day i departed..not hi even.
in hinde sight..i guess.. there is something about the boss of you on tour , telling you to like some girl hes bff with, and ..well…i guess that’s prolly kinda daunting/weird and perhaps OFF putting. )..
But…as the worldturnsout….. i ended up having the best trip, i think becuase , we were in such little earnest towns. canadain-ish.no one else was out visiting, so i got to do the passes for tf and stuff. of course my fake pretend boyfriend/funniest person ever was there too(jfr)…so it was fun. But eversince this trip – i ve felt mighty awkward -kind of a lot like the homely little sister of the cool guys-around guitarTechDude…ive only seen him at their shows ..maybe 4 more times.but to see him walk in to my living room, after i was up fixing the computer all night, expecting no former present or future crushes to arrive at all…..hmm. well i ll just say this thank J H christ-uffer that i no longer have a crush – cause otherwise i would be in a pit of unrest over this.* END OF REF STORY…
but… someone was cute to me yesterday…weird strange new crush on someone maybe? i m not telling anyone ; because my dear dotting friends/family with their over zealous need to figure out why i dont “date” like them…. either get so happy im liking someone that they overdue the PUSH.(see above).ahem..or they’ll shoot it down HARD- which sucks equally. i mean who wants to date someone yourfriends think is dumb.raison nuomere trois : why allison doesn’t date.
almost died on friday night. fer real..no exaggeration.
dia and i were curious as to why so many cops were speeding(siren-less) by…So we decide to ‘follow’
dumb move
we cut a block below them to delongpre.thinking we can ‘see’ whats going on , up on hollywood from there.
duh.
we run right into the cause of the cop brigade:
Huge guy comes flying (running) towards us..he hesitates when he sees us and goes in his pants to pullo ut his gun.
and starts angling towards us…as if to get in the car.
holy shit..i dont even really remember much of this..but i know i was trying desperatley to lock the doors(?) cept i just kept rolling down and up the windows and UNlocking the doors( ne w car..)
then the police were behind and infront and aabove (chopper)
and the ‘fugitive’ (or perp?) takes off – away from us..
then there is the screaming cops and we are frozen and inch forward and there is some big standoff to our right with more guys and guns drawn and i dont know what to do..one cop is screaming for us to get out of there..but there is no where to go till one guy see us and helps us back onto hollywood..and it was over.
woah.