Posts Tagged ‘2001’
p-o-ed. i am . i just got royally stood up by d and m. feel like this was some sort of personal afront to me. ( but, of course i know it wasnt..im just over being third wheel)
happy new year. 2001 over and done with. 2002 sounds better. more even and balanced…just like me….?
had a lovely dinner here ajp and lisa – mi ad ag lele hil too tired to write all down now. just now this i am a non smoker as of last night. ch threw water on my cigarrets when he got here( at 2am) he did this after i “threw” them in the trash..
went to les duex at about 10 30 . PACKED but fun. saw a lot of people. vedy drunk people. lak got wasted…hilarious actually.wl was there as was db.
funny weird energy with a lot of people. awkward.
my head is swirling with info . not good info . but weird sorta bad/ gossipy info. i am not exactly sure what i know to be real and what is
sign my godamned gbook please. am sitting home , sat eve. dinner at the indian place. yum.
ch is here. guess where? i just went to the video store and rented a few videos- funny thing- i have not done that in years…years LITERALLY
week of stillbeing on holiday sort of.
went to vegas with lala n hh ..met the boys there .
went to u2-amazing concert.
the night before i left ch called me- kinda cool convo.
then went to hotel with the girls and had a full on slumber party- ordered every dessert on the menu-
did ‘masks’ in our pj’s and watched a chick flick.
fun.
nexxt day we drove home and (i DROVE>>) stopped at whisky pete’s for roller coaster and turbo drop ride….then in barstow for in and out.
unbelievably long drive-7 hours.
that eve , i met mjk and ie at the movies…made them all leave mid movie- went to mjk’s for coffe at mmidnight…fun.
lala and ns and n were with us.
next night the same crew with lel and hh all played grand theft auto 3 and metal gear at ie’s.
mjk and lala i lay in ie’s bed and laughed our heads off.about retarded things.
fun.
went to ns’s helped him set up computer.
he is having a hard time …he and k broke up on sunday and he is struggling to work through it. i admire him very much. he is trying to do the right thing for himself and ‘grrow’ for lack of a better term…
it’s awesome to watch and i feel really honored to be a support for him.
had dinner at lala’s w/mj ws hil and ss.
then ns and i rode up to the coffe house and met ab and ty..
ty lost many yesterday. 4 people on a plane..
so weird and sad and fucked up.
what is going to happen.
everything feels different.the way of the world is altered forever.protocal and boundaries are blown away.
i don’t know what to think ..how far ahead
seems so pious to think about filling in the details of my life over the last few days- today seems like a dream- the first call i got was from ie at 6;50am then i went to the lc and it was weird. eerie and grey…which in and of itself isn’t wierd,because the weather has been grey for a few days, but this am-prior to knowing what had happened, i noticed how light and cool the sky looked-all pink clouds on blue pre-sunrise sky…(red sky in morning..sailor take warning?)
everyone around me tday has had different reactions to this. i feel overwhelmed and powerless and scared and sad and …odd. sorta like the day jord died. like i am in a dream and i can’t quite grasp the totality of it all .
tired now-felt like a long ass day.
haven’t written in so long-things are weird-good weird, i guess.
i have noticed how much i have actually changed through this past year . i mean i know i ‘grew’ or whatever.
but i am aware that , organically , i am different-my actual responses and actions and motivating factors are totally new and different.
my experiences over the last year have caused me to be very unattached and able to see through certain behaviours-
i don’t believe people like i used to.
i am completely protective of myself.
i really do know what’s best for my heart etc.
in friendships and romantic entanglements.
i feel a little sad- as though i just woke up and i’m not a kid any more.
but somehow i am putting out some sort of energy that is attracting very interesting and cool relationships.
i really like the people around me-
i feel excited about the day when i wake up=such a good feeling.
i remember someone saying to me once that all they wanted was to wake up happy
and when they said it-it totally broke my heart -i remeber feeling so sad for them-but then i also remember feeling the exact same thing in march …
and now i am again
waking up happy, that is..
certain areas that inotice indelible marks of the last few years are: the way i deal with my own resentments-like i know they are petty as soon i feel them come up-there is almost no time between the grumpythought/then
the resolution of letting it go.
i am tired of feeling like a child..hurt by peoples judements.
it is my ‘dharma’ to be judged -and i can still live the life i want and be happy EVEn if people don’t like me or talk shitty stupid lies gossipy stuff about me and my life.
what a concept
hmm i feel scattered. a just called. she wanted her mail and rather than getting her to come inside, i just gave it to mf(who she was picking up)i’m over the whole deal of being judged and talked about. i let it all go.so there.
ajp sent me a very sweet email and we are having dinner at the restaurant w/lak and jq.i have to pretend that i don’t know they are doing ‘it’..could be funny-.wonder who else will be at the table.
thinking alot about ykw right now. just miss his humour and companionship. shit , i could almost cry , but not quite.
don’t feel obsessed with the ‘why’s'anymore..just a little sad at the outcome’s resulting absense.
it’s the time of day..just before sundown , when i would usually be getting ready to hangout w/him.i was always so pleased to see him
never failed. i just got happy being around him-i don’t know if i’ve ever had that before. that’s probably the reason that i am having so much difficulty getting over it.
the light is so pretty in my house at this time of the morning. feels very hopeful or something.
kak is coming into town this weekend. she has she hired a town car becaause she stll can’t drive. fun .
put up my who’s who index.
i am having dinner w/ ab at lc. quite pleased with this . although i still haven’t had a shower etc and i have to be there in 45 mins. better get going