Posts Tagged ‘numberTitles’
so i went to the lc2 this morn and lak was there. so nice to see her. she is madly in love -but it is an icky situation..the guy with whom she is falling in love with(and he with her) is her best frinds ex…See lak was consoling him after she (lak’s bff)dumped him and moved back home and the consoling led to lust etc etc.
oh i do not envy her, i know about this first hand . very similar to me and jf’s getting together.
anyway..nice to see her. went to urth after much chatter outside and i got really pms-y -actually had a hissy fit over not having a table and others sitting in my seat.gawd i was so awful that i had to call and apologize to w and mi.
i feel shitty,i acted very baby-ish.
the light is so pretty in my house at this time of the morning. feels very hopeful or something.
kak is coming into town this weekend. she has she hired a town car becaause she stll can’t drive. fun .
the light is so pretty in my house at this time of the morning. feels very hopeful or something.
kak is coming into town this weekend. she has she hired a town car becaause she stll can’t drive. fun .
so many thngs to think about. i was so excited to go see my cousin dj this eve.,then i called to find out what time and he said it was cancelled.fuck. i thought it would be a new fun place to meet cool people. i guess not. and my reg. thursday night date is off due to ab working a maxim party. maybe i’ll go to that.not. i can’t think of anything worse than being at a function tonight with all those scenesters. not into it at present. ykw emailed me the lamest email ever the other night. now, he doesn’t even respond to my emails. he waits about a week after i send one and then he writes a little prefunctionary note about nothing.what hurts the most and is still needling me is; he acts like we never connected the way we did. like i made it all up in my head.
i thought i’d found a real friend.he sux.i guessi have to forgive him ,though and myself in order to move on.
i only know i have to do this because of advising other people to do the same with their situations. i mean if i keep being set back by him and his lacks i am not a very good example to those i try to help or those that seek my advice am i?
went to remedy tonight at the whisky. good turn out for them. had dinner after at swingers w/mi.
felt weird at the show. hil and z were there among others. hugged z, but felt so uncomfortable watching her . ughhh. when will this end???i can’t stand being in this place of feeling ostracized. maybe it’s pms..but..
even ab was weird. shit.anyway…rusty called me this eve..sb emailed me. these all seem like indicators . towards what(?) i don’t know. but tthe two people i love the most from home contact me on the same day after neither of them has been in contact for months?hmm..there is definetly something in that.
hmmm what am i doing?mom lft today and i feel a little bummed(go figure)
i am still in my state of letting every preconceived notion about myself/life gooooo
it’s hard, cause i get caught in the sadness of what i think i want(ie;living here..)
and how much home depresses me.
ahh well. i shall try to rise above these thoughts and stay open open open
there is greatness in me waiting to come out.
i’m going to write updates on what is turning up around me, due to these new thoughts and mantras
So far:n came over and we talked about his site and what he wants etc. he handed me a bunch of money and gave me free reign on the design stuff(!)don’t know what this all means , but i shall soon..
so i did the right “thinking” thing. i “manifested “good feelings etc. -what it feels like to be happy joyuos &abundant.
i also realized that i am not on my right path.It is obivious because everything is so hard, i am scared shitless, but i am ready tp let go of everything i know or think i know and ‘want’ ie;living here….In order to start following my path that will lead to a life of fullfillment and joy.i know we are all entitled to this sort of life. it is what we are meant to be doing here.
So i am having this epiphany-perhaps the greatest shake down i’ve ever come to on my own,without a disaster happening around me,- on my online journal.yeah blogger. i wonder what to do know. it is about becoming willing and continuing to let go.
it’s all changing and swirling in my head. my thoughts are on overdrive. i read some great things today, but i am too poor at this to link or quote..so take my word for it-my best friend in the world from 12 till 23 emailed me tday. no big deal right?
wrong. she hasn’t spoken to me in 5 years. nothing. – she hated me so very much that when i got sober , i was too freaked of her ire to even attempt to make amends to her.
but see, after all that has gone down in the last few months with my friends here..i decided i needed to get over it and find her and apologize for being a drugaddicted badbadbad friend.mostly because i’m sick of the cycle i fallinto with women friends-thinking it’s great then stopping trusting them then believing i did something wrong and dropping out of their lives-all because of this inbred belief that i am a bad friend and i am not. -not anymore. i was with her though. and that is why i need to clean up my past shit so i can start being a better friend and stop doubting myself.
damn -good self-therapizing,eh?
ok, after having read samantha’s thought s on what a blog could/should/tries to do, ifeel like i need to follow her lead and have some sort of purpose or structure to what i aim to give/get from this here rambling series.
let’s see..a mission statement will be my goal for myself today.
that’s it. by the end of today i will have a personal purpose set in type and posted for me to see up here , of what i will be writing about for the next little while.
some ideas..a journal about being ‘sober’ in your twenties..nah , if anyone were to read this then i would be breaking anonimyty(sp?) all over the place.
perhaps.. what i ‘ve learned thus far , in general, imean- i do have a lot of life experiences that are somewhat shocking..i know i could start to write my memories of travel/drugs etc.
stupid. i’ll have to figure this out whilst working, then get back to myself on here ,later
went to urth this am w/ m. cute boy there. sooo cute. last week,at dinner, dp said that i was worse than any guy she knew in respect to checking people out..
hmm, i really never think of myself that way. but i guess i am . i mean i am single. but i ‘m that way whether i’m single or not, i guess. wrote jb this morn. she is in mnnpl , working for a few months. i always wonder if she and z talk about me. i actually wonder all the time who z talks about me with -cause i know she does. that is the way she is.
c was there this am , and he started smoking again. i get a sick pleasure from that.i think ap is coming home today from ny. scared to tell him i am smoking again. i feel like he is my dad , sometimes.
mom arrives tomorrow. want to make the house really nice for when she gets here.
going to go to cb now and get a hot drink, cause it is freezing today.
today i wrote the longest post;only to lose it as i posted it.don’t feel motivated to write at all. i’ve been home al night. didn’t go to the bday party. dk bagged out ,so did dp. i am so tired but i ‘m having the hardest time sleeping.
as isolated as i am these days, i am so into this time alone.it’s weird, though.to go from too many people calling and wanting to do stuff- to noone.-i feel a bit resentful when i think about the circumstances but then i get over it. i was only geting annoyed with most of the people in my life. mom is coming on friday. should be fun. please please don’t let us fight about money or anything of the ilk.i’m a little atressed about lack of income. but not too bad. i have such a crush on new boy. saw him this eve-on a random tv show. looked kinda gay on it, but still cute. i hope he is at the party at j’s on saturday night.i told j to invite him . we talked onthe phone at length this eve. (j and i) feels good to have him back in my life.
mom will be happy to hangout with him. sat night will be fun.( regardless of new crush being there or not,)
these are the beginning thoughts on what i am about. what i am doing..if anyone gets the wearwithall to read any of this ..sorry. or whatever. i don’t know. i feel like i need to write and as i am in front of my machine at almost all times-of late..it seems the right medium.so here .
i am 29. i’ll be thirty in 7 weeks.my life has changed dramatically in the last three months.it’s all weird and convuluted, but i am okay with it all.i guess.
i live alone.
well, if you don’t count my verycloseneigbours.
my dad died almost two years ago. i don’t know how this fits in.
it does, somehow.also, i am ‘sober’-3 years in june.
these are just facts. not who i am.
sort of part of who i am becoming, i guess.
i seem to have very few friends of late. a big shift happened . had a big group
now i don’t. i have a few very close awesome people in my life. i am very close with my brother. this is new-ish , though.my mom too.
they live in canada. i live in california.
i am very ‘spiritually oriented’-searching still..but i believe in forces much greater than just me.
and you.
and ‘him’
a word about ‘hims’: don’t have much luck in the romantic area of my life-the last three boys(keyword here)i dated had live-in girlfriends(that weren’t me)
hmm.i’m told that i’m pretty. i can sometimes see it. i know i haven’t got a problem in ‘attracting’ people-it’s the quality that needs improvement.
this is why i am home on a saturday night writing this, not at a soiree.
i am trying to figure out what/who i want i n my life.