Posts Tagged ‘numberTitles’
brother is here. have yet to see him. spent the a.m. with brent at the hospital.
i don’t know why i feel so okay with being there. i am not scared of that enviroment-
i am scared of boredom and what that does to me,essentially.
how do i get to a place of prespective.
purpose and sense
.whatever that means…
i feel lost in a sea of my own life and i am floating aimlessly towards i don’t know land and that terrifies me.
ambiguity terrifies me. i like definitive.
structure that i can manipulate…freedom with purpose
does any of this make sense or do i sound like a teenager tryng to figure out free floating angst again?
went to ns’s helped him set up computer.
he is having a hard time …he and k broke up on sunday and he is struggling to work through it. i admire him very much. he is trying to do the right thing for himself and ‘grrow’ for lack of a better term…
it’s awesome to watch and i feel really honored to be a support for him.
had dinner at lala’s w/mj ws hil and ss.
then ns and i rode up to the coffe house and met ab and ty..
ty lost many yesterday. 4 people on a plane..
so weird and sad and fucked up.
what is going to happen.
everything feels different.the way of the world is altered forever.protocal and boundaries are blown away.
i don’t know what to think ..how far ahead
seems so pious to think about filling in the details of my life over the last few days- today seems like a dream- the first call i got was from ie at 6;50am then i went to the lc and it was weird. eerie and grey…which in and of itself isn’t wierd,because the weather has been grey for a few days, but this am-prior to knowing what had happened, i noticed how light and cool the sky looked-all pink clouds on blue pre-sunrise sky…(red sky in morning..sailor take warning?)
everyone around me tday has had different reactions to this. i feel overwhelmed and powerless and scared and sad and …odd. sorta like the day jord died. like i am in a dream and i can’t quite grasp the totality of it all .
tired now-felt like a long ass day.
wow. been offline for a week-crazy.
good to be back, but a nessacary break.too much going on …and yet… not enough at the same time…ya fel me?
went to laguna for the pageant of the masters on sunday; with Leland and famille…fun nice cool.
tool was here last night.
in sd this eve-we were going to go down for it-but now i think not.
driving ap and lisa to the airport (going to italy) instead-not a great trade off-but i am being of service..
jlh is leaving today-helped her move yesteday. had dinner with all her friends-then i drove mi home and went to plant of the apes at universal i max with ie and billy and draven. we had fun.
i wasn’ going to go, but ie ‘persuaded’ me and i ‘m glad idid. even though i didn’t get home till 1/’30am and i hav to be somwhere at 7:45am….oh well i ‘ll sleep later.
excited about tonight.
going to lay out at the pool all afternoon, i think.
felling good, albeit a bit knackered.
good day- although weird still. lc 2 in the am w/mj. t?en to coffe w/ sally. awesome talk. then to home walked max. made a vet appt. then to sleep. then to pay bills..finally. gas and cable and internet. then to larchmont w/ ag and mi. met the cutest group of boys . ofcouse i loked like dog poo. oh well. apparently they were at the party lat night but i sure didn’t see them.
now i am going to clean my office and the rest of the house….and take pitures and finish the sands site.
right away. now.
after i walk max.
listening to pj harvey’yousaid something” i want to send it to ykw.it’s too perfect. fuck .
n came over and l emailed me. and i emailed her back. weird . she said she’s been very depressed but no mention of why i haven’t heard from her in two months. maybe she was using. hope not. more shall be revealed, iguess , in time.
she actually just called here but i didn’t answer,because idon’t feel like seeing her or talking to her today. too selfish of me?i don’t think so, but i am realizing that all this stuff happeneing around me is in conjunction with doing my ‘manifestations’ oir visualizations or whtaever thay are./.they are actually effecting my outside circumstances..
had breakfast w/ cute boy and cute dog of his. oh my , he is sexy. very rude ,though.funny rude.
so exihillarting(sp?) spending flirty time with cuteboy.charges my whole day. it’s cinqo de mayo and everyone and their dog is in malibu-don’t think i’ll go- went to virgin, bought a bunch of cd’s.now waiting for n to come over and bring pictures to load into the website
having dinner with mp..haven’t hung out in sooo long. could be weird. but it’ll be fun .perhaps a few others should be invited into the mix.
don’t know if i want to be one on one w/ her.maybe jb ..
just got back from dinner. so much fun. lak’s new boy,jq, is awesome.so funny. he just did a rap record and his producer joined us after dinner and he was the coolest guy. colin. he ‘advised’ me on mixing boards etc. jb was with us also. ajp went home early . good to see him alone for a few minutes before eveyone else arrived. we are all going to malibu for the day tomorrow. nice.
ab and s and gg sat behind us at dinner tonight, so it was like being at two dinner parties at once.feel happyier than i did before i left.
feel alot of energy coursing through me. don’t know how to channel it. i am drinking a ‘B3′ energy drink..i think it works
i am feeling so drained. gawd i hope i ‘m not getting sick. not such a big deal if i am, cause idon’t have anything to do this weekend (that can’t be cancelled.) but i just don’t have anyone around..ya know to take care of me or whatever.
shit I just realized iam allerigic to soy!!!EVERYtime i get a soy honey latte at urth:i end up thinking i am getting sick and coughing for hours.
sheez.glad i figured that out.
now i am going to continue my abundance experiment -lie down and visualize my life as it will be.
err ….as it IS.