This time of year- School starting time, i mean… always puts my “life-plans” thinking cap on.

or ‘mind racing’ thinking cap , is more like it.

where am i ?

what i have done since last September.. or since the last time i had school to start tomorrow…

..Or since i forgot what i really wanted for my life.

it can deplete me , overwhelm me and inspire me – not to do art…but to plot .. none of which are necessarily bad or good things.

but  very interesting and a bit bizarre…. in that cosmic joke of the universe kind of bizarre.

See a few years ago i had a fantastic weight lifted from me when – after a lifetime of JUST KNOWING id have tons of kids…. i had a fully  life altering revelation:

that i was maybe not going to do that- (have a zillion kids)-but i was  going to be more than OK  just being  auntie AL.

The godmother-video game dealer, potty-mouth joking secret keeper  one in the lives of friends kids

and it was a GREAT fucking feeling..one that i was OK with.

really, truly SOOO OK with..until now…

which makes this admission, about new  feeling of late , soooo confusing. and kind of annoying..

as i somewhat shamefully (?) admit  to myself , that im beginning  to  have more and more thought spirals like:

“OM GAWD I WANT TO HAVE KIDS … …” …and whether they are purely physical -based in a true biological clock that apparently ticks louder for ladies of my age.. or if it comes from visiting a town where all my oldest friends either have “them”, are trying for them  or are in the  plans for them via injections or  adoption …basically, it’s all kids all the time  but perhaps the key to this manic inducing shift in me …has been the insidious love i find in my relationships with the  amazing kids i have in my life – from age 2 to 15 – all people i think about , even talk to all the time. they have tainted me

or perhaps

ii think the shift was tipped this week  after a visit from an older never married/no kids  family friend -An extremely beautiful , fun, inspired woman, in her late 60s -about to travel to Tunisia or Timbuktu or some shit… all happy single short silver hair ..and psyched to to do this trip. -to eatlovepray around the world…all wonderful wonderment- inspiring even- Yet after she left-i suddenly panicked…i realized i didn’t want to be her. not at all.

i want do to do the trips and all, eat-pray etc.. but after the gap fill.

and truthfully , the deductive reasoning to find the cause of my change of heart just doesn’t matter , because it is so present , its like not really of my choice.

i known mostly  because it’s late,(1am)- on the night before school starts for all my favorite kids.. and im up  thinking about  all of them tomorrow morning…with new  school supplies  and the nerves and the chaos of their parents …and   im envious.

its just a gap i didn’t think i would feel. and i do .

and i am scared shitless of it all

the trappings that go along with the baby making life.there are so many. starting  with partner in baby making . ending with new person forever attached to you

and  if  its what i do want. the most  terrifying part for  me is who ill have to become immediately:

A cliche.

that  media played-out role of girl approaching “that age” ..scrambling to get the gap filled. literally.

so fuck ,..now im kinda fence sitting in limbo as auntie AL and leaning into a potential “mom”

and it comes with a new load of questions to obsess on, including, but not limted to:

What’s a kid filled relationship like? are they truly HAPPIER overall with the kids?

honestly, though, i know most of the answers.

-the real complicated answers that i live vicariously through my closest friends-

they are constantly exhausted, feel under appreciated, taken advantage of, annoyed,

but… they have these purposes …these little mini’s that they are helping  shape

….and  these minis in turn, are shaping them back.

thats the coolest part –

pretty  heavyyy shit -that from here looks beautiful and scary   and makes me feel  hopeful and very lonely…..

….to be continued

One thought on “uhoh”

  1. i know EXACTLY what you mean about all of the above…

    i had this convo with my mom the other day over a bottle of vino. all her friends either have grown kids with kids of their own, or they never had kids. the ones that never had them regret not having done so. the ones that did have kids have other regrets: lack of traveling, dissolution of marriage due to paying more attention to kids than the relationship, didn’t achieve career goals etc. etc….

    either way sacrifices are made, part of life is lost in a way. we always want what we can’t have (or never had) it seems.

    perhaps it’s a matter of figuring out which regrets you could live with?

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