This time of year- School starting time, i mean… always puts my “life-plans” thinking cap on.
or ‘mind racing’ thinking cap , is more like it.
where am i ?
what i have done since last September.. or since the last time i had school to start tomorrow…
..Or since i forgot what i really wanted for my life.
it can deplete me , overwhelm me and inspire me – not to do art…but to plot .. none of which are necessarily bad or good things.
but very interesting and a bit bizarre…. in that cosmic joke of the universe kind of bizarre.
See a few years ago i had a fantastic weight lifted from me when – after a lifetime of JUST KNOWING id have tons of kids…. i had a fully life altering revelation:
that i was maybe not going to do that- (have a zillion kids)-but i was going to be more than OK just being auntie AL.
The godmother-video game dealer, potty-mouth joking secret keeper one in the lives of friends kids
and it was a GREAT fucking feeling..one that i was OK with.
really, truly SOOO OK with..until now…
which makes this admission, about new feeling of late , soooo confusing. and kind of annoying..
as i somewhat shamefully (?) admit to myself , that im beginning to have more and more thought spirals like:
“OM GAWD I WANT TO HAVE KIDS … …” …and whether they are purely physical -based in a true biological clock that apparently ticks louder for ladies of my age.. or if it comes from visiting a town where all my oldest friends either have “them”, are trying for them or are in the plans for them via injections or adoption …basically, it’s all kids all the time but perhaps the key to this manic inducing shift in me …has been the insidious love i find in my relationships with the amazing kids i have in my life – from age 2 to 15 – all people i think about , even talk to all the time. they have tainted me
ii think the shift was tipped this week after a visit from an older never married/no kids family friend -An extremely beautiful , fun, inspired woman, in her late 60s -about to travel to Tunisia or Timbuktu or some shit… all happy single short silver hair ..and psyched to to do this trip. -to eatlovepray around the world…all wonderful wonderment- inspiring even- Yet after she left-i suddenly panicked…i realized i didn’t want to be her. not at all.
i want do to do the trips and all, eat-pray etc.. but after the gap fill.
and truthfully , the deductive reasoning to find the cause of my change of heart just doesn’t matter , because it is so present , its like not really of my choice.
i known mostly because it’s late,(1am)- on the night before school starts for all my favorite kids.. and im up thinking about all of them tomorrow morning…with new school supplies and the nerves and the chaos of their parents …and im envious.
its just a gap i didn’t think i would feel. and i do .
and i am scared shitless of it all
the trappings that go along with the baby making life.there are so many. starting with partner in baby making . ending with new person forever attached to you
and if its what i do want. the most terrifying part for me is who ill have to become immediately:
that media played-out role of girl approaching “that age” ..scrambling to get the gap filled. literally.
so fuck ,..now im kinda fence sitting in limbo as auntie AL and leaning into a potential “mom”
and it comes with a new load of questions to obsess on, including, but not limted to:
What’s a kid filled relationship like? are they truly HAPPIER overall with the kids?
honestly, though, i know most of the answers.
-the real complicated answers that i live vicariously through my closest friends-
they are constantly exhausted, feel under appreciated, taken advantage of, annoyed,
but… they have these purposes …these little mini’s that they are helping shape
….and these minis in turn, are shaping them back.
thats the coolest part –
pretty heavyyy shit -that from here looks beautiful and scary and makes me feel hopeful and very lonely…..
….to be continued