want to smoke
tired . had a really great day.not such a great evening. tired and want to smoke…eating instead. will be fat person , i guess. no i ‘ll smoke before i get really fat. or i’ll go to rehab for food addiction . that sounds nice.. 28 days at a nice rehab.. relaxing, going to ‘group’, […]
fun night
fun night .didn’t start out so great,i couldn’t motivate at all today..fucking sugar as a nicotine replacement is killing me…i should probably start smoking again, it’d be better for my life. just in general..better i ended up at the gym at 8pm on a friday eve..how semi-pathetic..weird. who knew? anyway, later, wendy, dk, d and […]
El Silencio
emailed l. ahh well . i miss him. point blank. i feel better; like a pressure is off ,now that i sent an email. i feel like we were in this stand off…El Silencio. went to the lc this am. actually got there early – sat with db, who is back from nyc for the […]
weird nice
dk and i walked up the street ,got coffees and then we walked down to some little used book store and he made me pick out 5 books. it was so nice. weird nice. like the kind of thing you do with a new boyfriend but you are so giddy you miss half the experience..but […]
4:49
it’s 4:49..haha G’s joke on me…well i have tried to ‘take care’ of myself today. i went to the CH..saw CD and karen..left, then went to whole foods.. asked about nerve tonics for smoking cessation..?? got some homeopathic thing.. home.. ate sugar(fuckbadshitbadbad..)..worked alittle . fell asleep(because of sugar , no doubt) woke , ate salad […]
woke okay this morning..
woke okay this morning..then ten minutes into being awake, i was jolted into overwhelming feelings of dispair and anger and sadness ..seemingy out of nowhere. was at breakfast with a and c and gordy and david and had to leave the table to fake a phone call because i couldn’t hold it together. The randomness […]
so sad and angry
i am so sad and angry i don’t know when this is going to stop i want to smoke more than i’ve ever wanted to do anyfuckingthing in my life. i’m so gaddamned irratating.(oops freudian slip?meant to say irratated..) i am supposed to be at ap’s grammy party, then to karaoke. whatever..i’m still in my […]
first relatively happ-ish day in
yesterday was the first relatively happ-ish day in a long ass time.. today i woke early- went back to bed though feel blah grammy’s this eve. i despise awards shows so much but ap just emailed me that he’s having a party , might be fun. i need to get out a bit more , […]
good start
seems to be good start to today..first in a long ass time. got up at 7am cabin, urth saw chris r. and lou. nice -felt (feel) good going to pay gas bill and then take care of dwp…then work out perhaps.. very tenative as to mood etc. a and c are back, hmmm… last night […]
worked out like a fiend
just went to the gym..worked out like a fiend still felt fat , though listened to my messages (hadn’t for three days) oops wendy is really upset taking her out for dinner nice get -out-of-myself behaviour fuck i’m sooo bummed out still i don’t know what to do about anything i should just smoke and […]
patricks bday
blogger.com patrick’s bday today i am so self obsessed..i call to wish him a happy bday and talk about myself the whole time. it’s pissing rain, feel’s like home. i can’t decide if iam depressed or angry i know i’m confused it has everything to do with quitting smoking and a little to do with […]
what a weird day
what a weird day one month w/out smoking one week since l and i ended it i have yet to cry(since being w/him) i feel dislocated from my feelings alittle bit of a relief, actually