solarplexus
yesterday the pain in my solarplexus was unreal..unbearable..rendered me weepy,unfunctioning.well not completely, got out of bed, got a job doing a web site, payed some bills.seem to have super strong faith right now,a and i are getting back on track.sweet relief. i missed her , i wasn’t mad . i was hurt like a mutha […]
amends to dk
amends to dk. done. amends to jane, done. relief factor:none. spoke to l. oh fuck. it sucked soo bad. phone messages . i ended up leaving one that was so brutal and yucky, he called back and i SMOKED> muther fucker.bad convo. i can’t believe it.i can , actually. it was great , too.(the cigerette) […]
wimpy me
cried like a small baby again this eve. something in me snapped and i felt the loss of my relationship so deeply .(a-fucking-gain?!?!?) like someone uncorked my solar plexus and every ounce of sadness gusshed out.. when is this shit going to be over? i still think a smoke would feel unreal. i almost had […]
raining like a no-ones bidness
raining like a noones bidness. nice.reminds me of afternoons when i was little and mom would let us stay inside and watch t.v.(rare..not the rain, but t.v. watching..) cozy feeling.good day, thus far.returned almost all calls and emails. unbelivable, really. for me. the running theme:faith. in all areas of my life. all. every single one. […]
do you remember
do you remember coming back from santa barbara and telling me you couldn’t stand to be in a place like that without me now? did your heart break in a million pieces after we said goodbye outside the library in p.c.? did you feel so betrayed and foolish that your face goes red when you […]
saturday was an odd (off?) day
saturday was an odd (off?) day. slept in. desire to call L. had not really subsided. called. fuck shit hell piss crap. i can’t believe i did.i was soo good for sooo long. i am so angry at him, though i don’t know for sure what it is i’ll say if he calls back. i […]
fucking devasted
so fucking devastated right now. just sobbed so hard as i drove around hollywood aimlessly. was asleep on the couch when a and c walked in, he (of course), ignores me and she was a*cunt*-and i do not use this word lightly. she has been alot lately. it’s horrendous. i feel like i am always […]
ohhh..the horror
ohhh..the horror of my solar plexus and it’s sucking leaky tragic energy. it feel so overwhelming of late. basically it is screaming so loud for a mutha frickin cigarette. the banter back and forth of the last two days has spurred this energy on…..and banter is all it is. i am not getting anything i […]
meeting with ap
met ap.sat thru the whole damn meeting.good for us. then to urth w/lou. who is devastated by j. which i find mind boggling, as he is such a drip. ahh well. i am sure the whole world thinks my choices in men are a bit dodgy..which i guess they are. i worked out for awhile […]
good morning to me
good morning to me. feel okay. puffy eyes. going to meet ap for breakfast; i haven’t seen him in two weeks..weird. don’t remember my dreams, really, sort of fragments: being in a resort, trying to get drugs from a pharmacy. going to treat my situations today. believe they will be taken care of without any […]
fellin’ ok
feel okay.. woke early, went downtown w/La.then met lou for coffee,then worked out for quite awhile. now @.home,d and a are here.cleaning lady was here.everything is lovely. (clean&tidy lovely,that is..) still in gripping fear over all my situations.must meditate or something.fuckin hell. this sux sooo much. i am living like a robot. you aren’t supposed […]
devastated again..
woke up devastated again.. i’m totally at a loss as to what to do. mom called first thing this morning. she is can’t help & we ended up fighting like the old days- so much pain under everything now. i could not stop the feelings of desperation i almost made a phone call i definetly […]