Posts Tagged ‘creelman’
im fairly bored these days…and as i am truely boycrazy and there doesnt seems to be any boys to be crazy about around me…i adapted the ‘boyfriend application” from somewhere – so as to be more me/la/friendly…
if u feel excited by the thought of me and carrot cake and gingerale…. …GO HERE and send to me. asap.
be anonymous if you want. i dont care .
when you thin your life out , via separating yourself from certain friends and associates…and consciously choose to withdraw from situations that seem to have caused you grief…its a good thing.
Mostly.
i am used to 120 friends and phone calls a day ….and in the great cleanout of 2005 it has dropped remarkably..( 100 percent for the better..as most of those calls were annoying timesuckers and led to drama and chaos that usually wasnt mine…but somehow always drew me in)
… now i am contacted , perhaps 5 times a day and 3 of those are usually work.
which is great and a total feat for my codependant self….
Except when..you are bored and/or lonely. (not lonely like crying miserable codependant lonely…more subtle )
.and this will happen when you clean out the clutter… .
because see, the new life has these moments of deadair , which are fine and probably very healthy..
it just seems that at the quietest and hollowest of these longer moments .. i am most vulnerable to falling in and back…ie:making a call’ just to see whats up’ with old so-and-so.….never a good idea, im finding out..cause its always the same….
sure the old aquaints can fill my deadair up ;
even make me feel great for a few minutes….but soon enough they are trying to pull me back in….
via telling me their stories of chaos and betrayl- that are usually the exact same as last year…but always very very important and real to them and all of a sudden seemingly real to me….
{}
Technorati Tags: life, life_path, me, purpose, synchronicity, tannerc
I am overwhelmed with tiredness, and mad knowledge- i learned alot in a short time…( i was sorta temping for someone i really would like to work for fer real..and i astounded myself with my (unbeknow-ed to me)ability to absorb..I guess it has to do with being interested in what i was doing,huh?
so afterwards i got motivated to write..and write i did.. much (and quite well i might ad..)Only to have it all gone…
poof. fuck that shits lame and its always when i wrote ‘the piece’…The one that i feel like is the jumping off point
i feel like i am becoming invisible.
i have checked my phone ringer settings.
i have just done an extensive email settings overhaul ( neede to do because of entourage/mail switch-aroo)
eery. i know itll all start ringing and pinging again soon eenough, and ill get all hatefull .
BUT, it feels weird and i feel lonely. ohhh poor me.
and i saw A MOVIE IN A THEATRE today…yes, thats right allison leah creelman went and not only saw a movie, but got there early bought tickets and persuaded a few of her remaining friends( although after film this status may have changed) into going.
went to graumanns chinese to see WHITE Noise.
best part: it was shot in vancouver, with great scenes of vancouver.
touchy subject ahead:ive been writing online since along time ago.nothing noteworthy. just exhibisionist style ramblings about nothing.some things have gotten me in shit, by mistakenly being read by the wrong eyes.but…in general, over the long haul..its been therapy via purgeing my thoughts.to no one on nothing.but lateley ive made a rather large lifestyle choice that is seeming to be worth documenting on here..because getting clear unbiased objective thoughts on its effects is not possible.You see.. i was sober ( abstinant from all mind altering thingyies) for over 6 years.i m involved in a large community of sober people..all finding& helpingeachother to a way out of some lifestyle into a another.usually one with deeper personal meaning , on all levels.nothing hocusy pocusy..just how to live a life outside the trappings of selfcentered thinking.it is a remarkable undescribable community that is filled with my friends and family.over the last year i had a shift..not bad, just started to peice my own ideas and thoughts together for the first time as an adult, with self esteem…and came to some awesome and scary realizations for myself.;i wasnt growing anymore..i had shut my openvalve and was spitting out dirty water overflow…nothing new coming in on the personal developement front.i felt stagnant..so i tried to reasses..and do certain formulaic prescriptions.no need to go over the process..as it was mostly an internal evolution that brought me to a galss of champagne at a moet party during fashion week.nothing right?well, with the way my life is setup and my relationships work..this glaass of moet altered things.some were small tilts of alteration..others seem to be big old boulder toppling avalanche style alterations.lots of nuances involved.things are changeing in my relationships , to say the least.getting it?i have lots of rad coolfriendships that i have made during my sober years..what i realized last year was…i had became a. the sober girl from canada..you know friends with xxx and xyx?oh yeah the sober girl.ahah.this got me.
p-o-ed. i am . i just got royally stood up by d and m. feel like this was some sort of personal afront to me. ( but, of course i know it wasnt..im just over being third wheel)
odd quiet weekend. woke sat and went met z at virgin with jam. then coffee and took jam to therapy. then met rf and her italian hottie , then to work till 1 30. then to see solaris with my husband. good . then swingers with df and mw. then movies at home. worked on choptop and eddie sites also bny site. supposed to drive dia to the airport but i SLEPT THROUGH THE ALARM!!!i cant believe it..df took her(fwwff)nice morning …went to larchmont with mw -we sat and talked for 2 hours..now we are home. goin to meet cousin and z at the 11;45 mtg.
still lame about writing. b is moving into a house wit h ns.
i am having a good productive day. up met cole on larchmont . home. picked up at hs. then met paula at 101 and e came.
then home then i am running put to ch’s house.
should be a huge run. i don’t know how far that is-but i think it is like 6 or 7 AT least.
ugh i am giving myself at least 1 and ahlaf hours to do it so i can jog…
hilarious emails from mjk on the road. he’s hating europe bored and sounds ready to come home.
i miss him alot.
full moon made me edgy and weird. swam naked with the girls and did yoga under the full moon. cool outside at the house. weird energy.
sd w/ ns and hil -lots of people there. crowded. sat with ad and jg.
sex in the city with j and e .
nice mellow eve. too much food though. full. lala and coleycole are back. mjk called -hes back tomorrow .
on my run today i kept having flashes of things i want to do . like move to the beach and paint and surf and run . move to mexico or bali or wherever and have babies and eat fruit and make art and wear sarongs. for half the year…
and then come back for half the year. god that would be great. maybe no babies though. just babysit and play with other peoples babies for a while..
write stories. live somewhere else. have someone to shareit all with. i sound cheesy a bit. but the thing is i realize that i only want what is intuitivley right for me t
haven’t written in so long-things are weird-good weird, i guess.
i have noticed how much i have actually changed through this past year . i mean i know i ‘grew’ or whatever.
but i am aware that , organically , i am different-my actual responses and actions and motivating factors are totally new and different.
my experiences over the last year have caused me to be very unattached and able to see through certain behaviours-
i don’t believe people like i used to.
i am completely protective of myself.
i really do know what’s best for my heart etc.
in friendships and romantic entanglements.
i feel a little sad- as though i just woke up and i’m not a kid any more.
but somehow i am putting out some sort of energy that is attracting very interesting and cool relationships.
i really like the people around me-
i feel excited about the day when i wake up=such a good feeling.
i remember someone saying to me once that all they wanted was to wake up happy
and when they said it-it totally broke my heart -i remeber feeling so sad for them-but then i also remember feeling the exact same thing in march …
and now i am again
waking up happy, that is..
certain areas that inotice indelible marks of the last few years are: the way i deal with my own resentments-like i know they are petty as soon i feel them come up-there is almost no time between the grumpythought/then
the resolution of letting it go.
i am tired of feeling like a child..hurt by peoples judements.
it is my ‘dharma’ to be judged -and i can still live the life i want and be happy EVEn if people don’t like me or talk shitty stupid lies gossipy stuff about me and my life.
what a concept
met ap.sat thru the whole damn meeting.good for us.
then to urth w/lou.
who is devastated by j. which i find mind boggling, as he is such a drip.
ahh well. i am sure the whole world thinks my choices in men are a bit dodgy..which i guess they are.
i worked out for awhile , people creep me out at that gym.
brokeass gym that it is.
HUGE earthquake in vancouver today, talked to mom;who said it was loud(?)
Hailey freaked out.
ate with jane and d.she pissed me off but i got over it.she is so dismissive and bitchy.