want to smoke

tired . had a really great day.not such a great evening. tired and want to smoke…eating instead. will be fat person , i guess. no i ‘ll smoke before i get really fat. or i’ll go to rehab for food addiction . that sounds nice.. 28 days at a nice rehab.. relaxing, going to ‘group’,…
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fun night

fun night .didn’t start out so great,i couldn’t motivate at all today..fucking sugar as a nicotine replacement is killing me…i should probably start smoking again, it’d be better for my life. just in general..better i ended up at the gym at 8pm on a friday eve..how semi-pathetic..weird. who knew? anyway, later, wendy, dk, d and…
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El Silencio

emailed l. ahh well . i miss him. point blank. i feel better; like a pressure is off ,now that i sent an email. i feel like we were in this stand off…El Silencio. went to the lc this am. actually got there early – sat with db, who is back from nyc for the…
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weird nice

dk and i walked up the street ,got coffees and then we walked down to some little used book store and he made me pick out 5 books. it was so nice. weird nice. like the kind of thing you do with a new boyfriend but you are so giddy you miss half the experience..but…
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4:49

it’s 4:49..haha G’s joke on me…well i have tried to ‘take care’ of myself today. i went to the CH..saw CD and karen..left, then went to whole foods.. asked about nerve tonics for smoking cessation..?? got some homeopathic thing.. home.. ate sugar(fuckbadshitbadbad..)..worked alittle . fell asleep(because of sugar , no doubt) woke , ate salad…
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woke okay this morning..

woke okay this morning..then ten minutes into being awake, i was jolted into overwhelming feelings of dispair and anger and sadness ..seemingy out of nowhere. was at breakfast with a and c and gordy and david and had to leave the table to fake a phone call because i couldn’t hold it together. The randomness…
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so sad and angry

i am so sad and angry i don’t know when this is going to stop i want to smoke more than i’ve ever wanted to do anyfuckingthing in my life. i’m so gaddamned irratating.(oops freudian slip?meant to say irratated..) i am supposed to be at ap’s grammy party, then to karaoke. whatever..i’m still in my…
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first relatively happ-ish day in

yesterday was the first relatively happ-ish day in a long ass time.. today i woke early- went back to bed though feel blah grammy’s this eve. i despise awards shows so much but ap just emailed me that he’s having a party , might be fun. i need to get out a bit more ,…
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good start

seems to be good start to today..first in a long ass time. got up at 7am cabin, urth saw chris r. and lou. nice -felt (feel) good going to pay gas bill and then take care of dwp…then work out perhaps.. very tenative as to mood etc. a and c are back, hmmm… last night…
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worked out like a fiend

just went to the gym..worked out like a fiend still felt fat , though listened to my messages (hadn’t for three days) oops wendy is really upset taking her out for dinner nice get -out-of-myself behaviour fuck i’m sooo bummed out still i don’t know what to do about anything i should just smoke and…
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patricks bday

blogger.com patrick’s bday today i am so self obsessed..i call to wish him a happy bday and talk about myself the whole time. it’s pissing rain, feel’s like home. i can’t decide if iam depressed or angry i know i’m confused it has everything to do with quitting smoking and a little to do with…
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NIGHT RIDER by the BEST DOORMAN EVER

Is this a familiar scenario? You’re standing in line outside what you hear is a cool club and the doorman, who looks like a complete asshole, is nodding in people who are infinitely less cool than you. Everyone seems to fucking know the guy. The longer you wait, the more incensed you are that you’ve…
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