saturday was an odd (off?) day
saturday was an odd (off?) day. slept in. desire to call L. had not really subsided. called. fuck shit hell piss crap. i can’t believe i did.i was soo good for sooo long. i am so angry at him, though i don’t know for sure what it is i’ll say if he calls back. i […]
fucking devasted
so fucking devastated right now. just sobbed so hard as i drove around hollywood aimlessly. was asleep on the couch when a and c walked in, he (of course), ignores me and she was a*cunt*-and i do not use this word lightly. she has been alot lately. it’s horrendous. i feel like i am always […]
ohhh..the horror
ohhh..the horror of my solar plexus and it’s sucking leaky tragic energy. it feel so overwhelming of late. basically it is screaming so loud for a mutha frickin cigarette. the banter back and forth of the last two days has spurred this energy on…..and banter is all it is. i am not getting anything i […]
meeting with ap
met ap.sat thru the whole damn meeting.good for us. then to urth w/lou. who is devastated by j. which i find mind boggling, as he is such a drip. ahh well. i am sure the whole world thinks my choices in men are a bit dodgy..which i guess they are. i worked out for awhile […]
good morning to me
good morning to me. feel okay. puffy eyes. going to meet ap for breakfast; i haven’t seen him in two weeks..weird. don’t remember my dreams, really, sort of fragments: being in a resort, trying to get drugs from a pharmacy. going to treat my situations today. believe they will be taken care of without any […]
fellin’ ok
feel okay.. woke early, went downtown w/La.then met lou for coffee,then worked out for quite awhile. now @.home,d and a are here.cleaning lady was here.everything is lovely. (clean&tidy lovely,that is..) still in gripping fear over all my situations.must meditate or something.fuckin hell. this sux sooo much. i am living like a robot. you aren’t supposed […]
devastated again..
woke up devastated again.. i’m totally at a loss as to what to do. mom called first thing this morning. she is can’t help & we ended up fighting like the old days- so much pain under everything now. i could not stop the feelings of desperation i almost made a phone call i definetly […]
want to smoke
tired . had a really great day.not such a great evening. tired and want to smoke…eating instead. will be fat person , i guess. no i ‘ll smoke before i get really fat. or i’ll go to rehab for food addiction . that sounds nice.. 28 days at a nice rehab.. relaxing, going to ‘group’, […]
fun night
fun night .didn’t start out so great,i couldn’t motivate at all today..fucking sugar as a nicotine replacement is killing me…i should probably start smoking again, it’d be better for my life. just in general..better i ended up at the gym at 8pm on a friday eve..how semi-pathetic..weird. who knew? anyway, later, wendy, dk, d and […]
El Silencio
emailed l. ahh well . i miss him. point blank. i feel better; like a pressure is off ,now that i sent an email. i feel like we were in this stand off…El Silencio. went to the lc this am. actually got there early – sat with db, who is back from nyc for the […]
weird nice
dk and i walked up the street ,got coffees and then we walked down to some little used book store and he made me pick out 5 books. it was so nice. weird nice. like the kind of thing you do with a new boyfriend but you are so giddy you miss half the experience..but […]
4:49
it’s 4:49..haha G’s joke on me…well i have tried to ‘take care’ of myself today. i went to the CH..saw CD and karen..left, then went to whole foods.. asked about nerve tonics for smoking cessation..?? got some homeopathic thing.. home.. ate sugar(fuckbadshitbadbad..)..worked alittle . fell asleep(because of sugar , no doubt) woke , ate salad […]