Posts Tagged ‘bad’
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“A lie, by omission or directly fabricating .. leads people to decide other than they would, had they known the truth,It harms their human dignity and autonomy.It is believed that to value ourselves and others as ends instead of means, we have perfect duties (i.e., no exceptions) to avoid damaging, interfering with, or misusing the ability to make free decisions;”
So in my life.. I ve been, (on more occasions than anyone would like to admit) a liar, a cheat a thief and an asshole-To Lots of people….Probably to some reading this.. and this is written for you, dear person whom i may have emotionally violated in this way .. it’s payback time:i got got. Big time.The last four months i have been living under a delusion created not by me.. ( for once) but by a sweet, sexy ( to me, prior to knowing the truth) superb master equivicator*..A Fiendish.. Master of manipulation and Creator of False-Mess.( love that term:”False-Mess”)And , after figuring it all out..i had the atypical ‘woe is i ‘ reaction:..i was a bit precious ( so to be expected..i AM a girl..had THE pms..coupled w/ some strong feelings for this liar))You know :weepy sad/ ..aghast/angry .. etc etc..But then , just as quickly as i was struck with the duality of the situation… a Phenomenon of unknown proportions has hit me..as i think about theLiar and his LyingLies.. I start laughing .. real-sincere-will-ferrel-dvd-watching-laughter. ..as i recall details and situations from the past few months- and i realize they were sooo not what i thought they were.. i don’t get sad/angry or heartachey..Like i thought and feared i would..Instead i start with the laughing( on the inside, mostly) ..I mean ..cmon.. what this poor liar must have been going through. the stress and pace of the lifestyle to maintain the lies.. must have been ( probably still is..) Enormous.This part is so heady.. the part about our ‘connection’ being completely one sided **(c below),so it seems, that it has caused me to supercede most typical sadness to fascination and admiration for the Liars abilities and skill at maintaining for such a period, at such depth.I am in awe of the masterful way it was spun to me.. it was impeccable.. i mean..Who was this person.. whom i had somehow chosen to open up to on that ‘emo’ level..?( -note to self: remember that romance is a fictional thing)It was the ultimate turn of the universe’s trump card.For all you i did wrong.. i am sorry and i get it…..to be continued..** this point is a bit sad still, for me.. but i think i should be able to smoke through it ..
Perhaps i have insomnia?, add?, lack of something….but for some reason
..i ended up staying up way too late even though im exhausted…and perusing local blogs. i dont do this often anymore..seemed for awhile it got to be less interesting when every teenager in asia started a blog and id somehow end up on those…but with recent discover of local community rolls..a la ‘lablogs‘ etc etc…i got to looking and reading..some really fuckin awesome sites . blogs with the same base purpose and enjoyment that i have..which i like..not monitary based,..and not ‘contrived’… more outlet based.
Funnily , the one i ended up reading the longest was Tom Greens, i’d seen it last year some time..xmas i think.. and i remember liking it alot, but as i tend to do..i forgot about it..but there it was tonight on blogebrity, i believe..and as i ve been feeling homesick-ish as of late..it was comforting to read. First cause he’s canadian ..and because hes been writing from up there( sakatchewan , and ottawa to be exact,) and one of the first blurbs i read..he referrenced Farely Mowat damn! that got me.wolves and owls…tres canadianne
i forgot how much i loved those books.
and he got to meet Jean Chretian, and it just had a lovely canadian tone.. down to hanging with his parents (sorta) playing trivial pursuit .
he just seems like a nice smart grounded boy. *but then again i seem alot of things via this that i dont think i am in real life…oh what do i know?..im definetly over tired, dude.*
anyway..its a great site.
all this perusing got me thinking , too..about how weird & common “blogging” is….
DISCLAIMER: i am about to do ‘back when i started blogging” thing..but its not meant to be a condescending or territorial..just observatory and speculative ..allright?k..
so..carry on my wayaward sons:
Back when i started doing this ( writingnotes/journal at taintme)it was really trully small and sorta secretive loser-ish community. i didnt know one single other person (in the flesh, that is; i knew online people)-who wrote online or had ‘blogs’…But now:its a totally different ‘thing’ , blogging is. Lots and lots of people i know and am related to even, write online..
i wonder sometimes, what the hell i could have done with mine – had i had foresight or motivation..
oh well. i love it still.the outlet is irreplaceable and as it stands taintme has become my secret soapbox, private journal, crush keeper, gossip outlet and theraputic-confidant. its the most consistant ritual ive had in in my adult life. this ..blog thing taintme.
it has directly caused me: to lose friendships, total embarrasment, gotten me a date, ( ONE…and it sucked)
broughtme closer to family members, made me a few new friends..and lots of other random attributes i cant remember . so thats kewl.
next order of my mind:
i feel directionless right now. like im swimming in my life , but its a wading pool. and its really hot out..so i just stay in the water cause its cooler..and sorta easier..albeit getting increasingly more uncomfortable.. I just tread water to avoid getting out and having to deal.’
kinda a bad analogy..but im overtired and the visual is working for me. forgive.
i wonder how i can change things now. i dont like this holding pattern at all , as of this week.
its so weird how i have tiny revelations over nothing ( seemingly) and all of a sudden my life doesnt work for me anymore.
Technorati Tags: hollywood, directionless, canada, farley mowatt, me, tannerc, tom green, jean chretian
dk came over and hung out this eve. nice to see him. walked the dog-went up the street and met p with ss mj jo and mi-went to jones’s for dinner and then i went to ns’s to help plan his trip.
he’s so funny. very much a perfectionist, i think.
feel alright, albeit a bit sleepy.
i understand so much about my feelings that have come up this past few months-awesome talk with ss. i see that i was doubting my self and my own process-and i have become so mis trusting for whatever reasons. BUT i am not mistrusting- i believe people aand there isn’t anything bad about that.
i say things to others, sometimes that shock me…as in advice that comes from my mouth regarding life or love or whatever and as i hear myself say it- irealize i must listen to myself more often…i am becoming a person that i like …if that makes any sense..i’m so punchy.
i guess i am coming out of this intropespective period and reaping some beneifits from it
i don’t know what any of this means