Posts Tagged ‘changes’
when you thin your life out , via separating yourself from certain friends and associates…and consciously choose to withdraw from situations that seem to have caused you grief…its a good thing.
Mostly.
i am used to 120 friends and phone calls a day ….and in the great cleanout of 2005 it has dropped remarkably..( 100 percent for the better..as most of those calls were annoying timesuckers and led to drama and chaos that usually wasnt mine…but somehow always drew me in)
… now i am contacted , perhaps 5 times a day and 3 of those are usually work.
which is great and a total feat for my codependant self….
Except when..you are bored and/or lonely. (not lonely like crying miserable codependant lonely…more subtle )
.and this will happen when you clean out the clutter… .
because see, the new life has these moments of deadair , which are fine and probably very healthy..
it just seems that at the quietest and hollowest of these longer moments .. i am most vulnerable to falling in and back…ie:making a call’ just to see whats up’ with old so-and-so.….never a good idea, im finding out..cause its always the same….
sure the old aquaints can fill my deadair up ;
even make me feel great for a few minutes….but soon enough they are trying to pull me back in….
via telling me their stories of chaos and betrayl- that are usually the exact same as last year…but always very very important and real to them and all of a sudden seemingly real to me….
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Technorati Tags: life, life_path, me, purpose, synchronicity, tannerc
Perhaps i have insomnia?, add?, lack of something….but for some reason
..i ended up staying up way too late even though im exhausted…and perusing local blogs. i dont do this often anymore..seemed for awhile it got to be less interesting when every teenager in asia started a blog and id somehow end up on those…but with recent discover of local community rolls..a la ‘lablogs‘ etc etc…i got to looking and reading..some really fuckin awesome sites . blogs with the same base purpose and enjoyment that i have..which i like..not monitary based,..and not ‘contrived’… more outlet based.
Funnily , the one i ended up reading the longest was Tom Greens, i’d seen it last year some time..xmas i think.. and i remember liking it alot, but as i tend to do..i forgot about it..but there it was tonight on blogebrity, i believe..and as i ve been feeling homesick-ish as of late..it was comforting to read. First cause he’s canadian ..and because hes been writing from up there( sakatchewan , and ottawa to be exact,) and one of the first blurbs i read..he referrenced Farely Mowat damn! that got me.wolves and owls…tres canadianne
i forgot how much i loved those books.
and he got to meet Jean Chretian, and it just had a lovely canadian tone.. down to hanging with his parents (sorta) playing trivial pursuit .
he just seems like a nice smart grounded boy. *but then again i seem alot of things via this that i dont think i am in real life…oh what do i know?..im definetly over tired, dude.*
anyway..its a great site.
all this perusing got me thinking , too..about how weird & common “blogging” is….
DISCLAIMER: i am about to do ‘back when i started blogging” thing..but its not meant to be a condescending or territorial..just observatory and speculative ..allright?k..
so..carry on my wayaward sons:
Back when i started doing this ( writingnotes/journal at taintme)it was really trully small and sorta secretive loser-ish community. i didnt know one single other person (in the flesh, that is; i knew online people)-who wrote online or had ‘blogs’…But now:its a totally different ‘thing’ , blogging is. Lots and lots of people i know and am related to even, write online..
i wonder sometimes, what the hell i could have done with mine – had i had foresight or motivation..
oh well. i love it still.the outlet is irreplaceable and as it stands taintme has become my secret soapbox, private journal, crush keeper, gossip outlet and theraputic-confidant. its the most consistant ritual ive had in in my adult life. this ..blog thing taintme.
it has directly caused me: to lose friendships, total embarrasment, gotten me a date, ( ONE…and it sucked)
broughtme closer to family members, made me a few new friends..and lots of other random attributes i cant remember . so thats kewl.
next order of my mind:
i feel directionless right now. like im swimming in my life , but its a wading pool. and its really hot out..so i just stay in the water cause its cooler..and sorta easier..albeit getting increasingly more uncomfortable.. I just tread water to avoid getting out and having to deal.’
kinda a bad analogy..but im overtired and the visual is working for me. forgive.
i wonder how i can change things now. i dont like this holding pattern at all , as of this week.
its so weird how i have tiny revelations over nothing ( seemingly) and all of a sudden my life doesnt work for me anymore.
Technorati Tags: hollywood, directionless, canada, farley mowatt, me, tannerc, tom green, jean chretian
tryigng to change some css is a bitch
this is the strangest period of my life. not the top of the strange -like if i were rating degrees of strange :this isnt the number one, but the strange feelings and shifts around my life are trippy.i wish i could explain better. it’s sorta like if you half wake up from a super intense dream…one that is very life-like with odd twists…except i haven’t fully woke up. thats a bad example -but i don’t know how to explain . i feel a little trapped. i feel a little liberated-Also .. angst and hope and fear and some other unrecognizable shite swirlling around inside me.today i went with mw to jwbn. then here for him to witness The thing in my backroom. then to ameoba . bought cds . then to terry’s. then here. maria was here. now -. feel like i need someone to talk to . but no-one i think of is right.noone that will therapize or tell me what to do with THE THING.
i feel like i am becoming invisible.
i have checked my phone ringer settings.
i have just done an extensive email settings overhaul ( neede to do because of entourage/mail switch-aroo)
eery. i know itll all start ringing and pinging again soon eenough, and ill get all hatefull .
BUT, it feels weird and i feel lonely. ohhh poor me.
and i saw A MOVIE IN A THEATRE today…yes, thats right allison leah creelman went and not only saw a movie, but got there early bought tickets and persuaded a few of her remaining friends( although after film this status may have changed) into going.
went to graumanns chinese to see WHITE Noise.
best part: it was shot in vancouver, with great scenes of vancouver.
slept in again-felt so good.
ns came and took me for coffe. he said the show yesterday was unbelievable-so envious-he had an amazing day/night.sounds like-topped off with courtney love buyiung him in and out burger and flashing him her chest…
crazy life.i ate with ag and mi last night then sat with mj and wayne till 2am-fun.-mellow.
max will not stop barking. gg liked one of the designs-needs to change a few elements-but seems to like general idea of one of them. supposed to be going to the beach for a bbq-not into it,though. tonightis the vespa thing. should be fun.i’m thinking that it will be a nice change from the insanity that is work , for me , right now. i told mj i would go shopping with him, too.
what a weird day
one month w/out smoking
one week since l and i ended it
i have yet to cry(since being w/him)
i feel dislocated from my feelings
alittle bit of a relief, actually