Posts Tagged ‘oldtaint’
this is the strangest period of my life. not the top of the strange -like if i were rating degrees of strange :this isnt the number one, but the strange feelings and shifts around my life are trippy.i wish i could explain better. it’s sorta like if you half wake up from a super intense dream…one that is very life-like with odd twists…except i haven’t fully woke up. thats a bad example -but i don’t know how to explain . i feel a little trapped. i feel a little liberated-Also .. angst and hope and fear and some other unrecognizable shite swirlling around inside me.today i went with mw to jwbn. then here for him to witness The thing in my backroom. then to ameoba . bought cds . then to terry’s. then here. maria was here. now -. feel like i need someone to talk to . but no-one i think of is right.noone that will therapize or tell me what to do with THE THING.
ive got a lot alot alot to learn.ive decided to write in here again because it may be my only form of perpsective to come.blah periods abounded throught winter/spring. shifts seems to be coming though.having a sleepover this eve and am hiding downstairs so i can write out my insane thoughts.mom is visiting.ah-hah. issue number one.living situation has become chaotic and not peaceful. beacuse of my angst, i think.need a huge change.a lift up from here mentally or something.some sort of shift in paradigm.the things i worry about are lame.
odd quiet weekend. woke sat and went met z at virgin with jam. then coffee and took jam to therapy. then met rf and her italian hottie , then to work till 1 30. then to see solaris with my husband. good . then swingers with df and mw. then movies at home. worked on choptop and eddie sites also bny site. supposed to drive dia to the airport but i SLEPT THROUGH THE ALARM!!!i cant believe it..df took her(fwwff)nice morning …went to larchmont with mw -we sat and talked for 2 hours..now we are home. goin to meet cousin and z at the 11;45 mtg.
this week has been like the opening of my solar plexus..i cried so hard and felt like it would never stop. i can still feel the feeling in my tummy of overwhelming grief..but it’s distant and calmer now. i howled like a dog yesterday. the hurt was deep. i felt like i finally realized how much i betray myslef by being in these relationships..it has notheing to do with them except i pick them for the abuse of my soul body etc…hopefully i am aware of my value for now and will stay away from this sort of being from now on and just see them with compassion and love. i feel sad and i miss chris. the parts i miss arent real though. i only miss what i gave hiom..i put in sooo much for a few seconds of him being pplayful and goi g into monkey talk.i totally lost my sense of who i am and what i am capable of, its bummed me out so hard that i couldnt even see the difference in the perspective anymore. i am so able to move thru this and not lose the lesson. i chose this situaation on earth and i must learn it or repeat it..
sign my godamned gbook please. am sitting home , sat eve. dinner at the indian place. yum.
ch is here. guess where? i just went to the video store and rented a few videos- funny thing- i have not done that in years…years LITERALLY
haven’t written in so long-things are weird-good weird, i guess.
i have noticed how much i have actually changed through this past year . i mean i know i ‘grew’ or whatever.
but i am aware that , organically , i am different-my actual responses and actions and motivating factors are totally new and different.
my experiences over the last year have caused me to be very unattached and able to see through certain behaviours-
i don’t believe people like i used to.
i am completely protective of myself.
i really do know what’s best for my heart etc.
in friendships and romantic entanglements.
i feel a little sad- as though i just woke up and i’m not a kid any more.
but somehow i am putting out some sort of energy that is attracting very interesting and cool relationships.
i really like the people around me-
i feel excited about the day when i wake up=such a good feeling.
i remember someone saying to me once that all they wanted was to wake up happy
and when they said it-it totally broke my heart -i remeber feeling so sad for them-but then i also remember feeling the exact same thing in march …
and now i am again
waking up happy, that is..
certain areas that inotice indelible marks of the last few years are: the way i deal with my own resentments-like i know they are petty as soon i feel them come up-there is almost no time between the grumpythought/then
the resolution of letting it go.
i am tired of feeling like a child..hurt by peoples judements.
it is my ‘dharma’ to be judged -and i can still live the life i want and be happy EVEn if people don’t like me or talk shitty stupid lies gossipy stuff about me and my life.
what a concept
so iam going to start having themes for my writing each day. or each week. i guess . noone else reads this, so it wil be about my experiments with myself and my life and my faith in myself.starting tonight:creating what i want…ie:manifesting.okay so, i’m going to do these affirmations .i am going to meditate and visualize myself having peace and happiness and all sorts of crazy joy and really feel what it feel likes -before i fall asleep and when i get up. then i’ll post my results…
tired . had a really great day.not such a great evening.
tired and want to smoke…eating instead.
will be fat person , i guess.
no
i ‘ll smoke before i get really fat.
or i’ll go to rehab for food addiction . that sounds nice.. 28 days at a nice rehab..
relaxing, going to ‘group’, crying..sleeping figuring it all out.
dk and i walked up the street ,got coffees and then we walked down to some little used book store
and he made me pick out 5 books.
it was so nice.
weird nice. like the kind of thing you do with a new boyfriend but you are so giddy you miss half the experience..but because d is d and we are what we are to each other, i got to be fully present and smell the book store smell and really look for books i wanted and just be peacful.not be occupied by pheromones or oxctocin(?)
wow. this is amazing. i really see the way i am when i am dating someone. i ‘m like on drugs or sumthin.
i’m so glad i am on this fast from dating. i need to have tons more experiences like today before i can think of romance.
i am so sad and angry i don’t know when this is going to stop i want to smoke more than i’ve ever wanted to do anyfuckingthing in my life.
i’m so gaddamned irratating.(oops freudian slip?meant to say irratated..)
i am supposed to be at ap’s grammy party, then to karaoke.
whatever..i’m still in my workout stuff.
it’s 11pm and i am obsessed with how i feel
i have been for a month.
this writing is definetly helping
Don’t know if i miss the boy or if i miss cigarettes, and i just “think” i miss the boy..?who knows.Have had no contact for quite some time
how can you spend every day with someone for months and confide in them and trust them and then just leave it all..no thankyous or apologies or truths or revelations
nothing
silence
makes me feel sad
and mistrusting of my feelings