Posts Tagged ‘sad sap’
ever.
i feel hot and lonely and annoyed and aware and underwhelmed by people.
i feel like people think im really stoopid and i guess it may be that i’ve let them think that ; because the behaviours i get thrown are bizarre for grownup people.
maybe its just mercury, but i dont think so.
i do think its sad. and time for a change in my life, like keep going on aboot.
i think im lacking in crushes again. i have to find new ones.
let me know if you think of any or think you could be one.
come on
ive got a lot alot alot to learn.ive decided to write in here again because it may be my only form of perpsective to come.blah periods abounded throught winter/spring. shifts seems to be coming though.having a sleepover this eve and am hiding downstairs so i can write out my insane thoughts.mom is visiting.ah-hah. issue number one.living situation has become chaotic and not peaceful. beacuse of my angst, i think.need a huge change.a lift up from here mentally or something.some sort of shift in paradigm.the things i worry about are lame.
underworld premier went w/ dlo to wes and heathersthen met ie and ls and the brkstr there. i sat outside the whole movie practically- it was cool looking just terrible seats in the front row to the left- killed my neck.i am so glad ls came – we got to hang out and smoke while they watched. she is funny.and loves ie and makes him happy. what more could one ask for?i wonder when i will have that. i am so barricaded – i am readfy for some dude to just break thru the barricades(to quote bry adams)and hiton me or something.weirdly awful-good-necasserry week. alcoholism suicide record release disconnected-ness.i feel conflicted and if step in the wrong spot i wil be blown up .i cant believe the insensitivity-or actually way beyond insensitivity-self obsessed false postuering behaviour of some.it saddens me to no end. i want things to be good and happy- moments like how i felt in qc. perfect able to be present feel joy in the moment and full odf love for evryone around me and gratitude for being where i was.i dont think this is unattainable- i just think so many others think it is that i forget that i can be happy at any chosen moment. i am disatisfied with my life in many areas after coming back from canada- i want to be inspired to do authentic stuff that i love-from my cells-like those around me- but the problem is i think my path is about love and service – cause the only thing i thrive in -is listening and understanding and showing different ways to people. fuck- i dont know what i am talking about- i do know that i miss people again. i stopped missing people a long time ago- perhaps out of self protection and part outof having unmissable people around. but now i do; i miss my dad. alot. i thought about him so much in canada it hurt my stomach . but i think missing people is indicitive of a void in my life- a lack of intimacy maybe- no i am intimate with a few people- i am definetly unguarded around 2 or 3 people- but never always and completely.i am scared of being really close because then…?
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please press play for posts theme song- it really adds to the reading..
PICTURE THIS, if you will:
YOU( or me in this scenario) have terrible mood-swing style PMS- and Agree to drive 4 LA based control freak friends (on American thanksgiving weekend), < from LA to san diego , to an arena rock-show..-and the be sure that all your above aforementioned passengers have maudlin leaning fondness for rockband playing show of which you speak.
Why are you driving them ..u ask?
well see.. u are THE conduit to said band -as in u are not just getting them there…you are their tickets and passport to that special vip status any good Angolan ..of the vip-hollywood corner expects.. you dont go to shows without access.. Ever.Especially not in somewhere faraway..like SD.
So you (and your PMS) are the one-2-know -
That special someone associated with said band and the passangers/ fans have laid their velvet rope high expectations: on YOU(with PMS).- to not only deliver them via southern california freeway on a holiday…but insure them their Hollywood citzen rights of VIP everything .got it?
k.. Arrive in sandiego and start attempting to call your conduit to vip- only to find your brand new hollywood digital phone service doesnt work past venice beach…?WHAT?
So with only your raging hormones guiding you (your passengers are useless past olympic blvd…they just smoke and wait for you to deliver)You somehow make it to the bohemth arena rock stadium..and gain contact w/ friend-in-band friend…BUt…as i mentioned a few times.. you and your pms self..well..you immeadiatley pick a fight with him.So, now..youve alienated your connection , and have a crew of fully disapointed ‘not good out of their elements’ Hollywood type group you transported nagging you to make up with him.. please ..cause they just want to meet/greet / get autograph blah blah…painfully and begriudging due to PMS..Somehow get it sorted to a point where they get in to see the show.. and get them backstage postshow-to the mythical party room..otherwise known as ‘meet n greet’).. get them their meetings/autographs..phewf..almost done eh?
oh no.. its not over for you yet..nooope.When saying byebye ( and apolgizing through grittd teeth to friend you lost it undesrvingly on) realize you have lost your ONLY set of car keys..Its 3 am…you’re 3 hours from home..have no credit card..you?That ‘group’ has no empathy/sympathy/ apathy…they all flee in next departing cars….as u get dropped off…in parking lot of some crack motel…30 dollars type–dont sleep or brush teeth- At first light.. find way to back to the parking structure where said vehicle is…****Remember you have no cell service…this is all via payphone and goodfaith***..wait for triple A-for 5 hours- only to have them tell you that they wont/cant tow your car..have another 2 hours wait for the paid tow truck…Arrive at the dealership just as they close…..only to be told the key will take approx. 1-2 weeks to be made…murphys law? mercury retrograde? ( PMS )shitfuckhellpisscrap.fuckemall.
Then have loving friends drive down in friday afternoon holiday southern california traffic to pick u up…( thnkU)..But wait…more:About 10 miles to far to turn back..
You realize ( silently of course..at this point) you left your phone( that didnt have service in area) at the dealership.
all true.And that my friends..is my worstcasescenario.
woke up with fear and sadness and anger..for no reason that i can thinkof. this is horrible.
i am not into this anxiety thing.
i can’t handle it at all. what am i supposed tp do?i feel like i have over talked it w/ my few friends. i feel very alone right now.
scared .i am totally taken care of. 100%
every area.must remember this. always
*always* i am okay.
saw eckarret tolle(sp?)last night , then dinner w/a and c and ri.a andd ab.
fun.then to mark’s bday at the ll.
going to vir. mtg now. to meet t.
woke up devastated again..
i’m totally at a loss as to what to do. mom called first thing this morning.
she is can’t help & we ended up fighting like the old days-
so much pain under everything now.
i could not stop the feelings of desperation
i almost made a phone call i definetly should not be making.
i just feel so overwhelmed if i even think about my situation.
i literally could not get out of bed .d came over ..early..tried to help..
had lunch w/lala and d
slept later . a’s dinner for bday, then to les duex .weird vibe.not a bad time. really like a and n.
the kind of couple that gives me hope(?)
feel so lonely, crazy fuckinglonely, actually.