Posts Tagged ‘fellins’
A habit is a pattern of behavior acquired by repetition. Psychologists and behavior experts say that it takes about 20 to 70 days to form a new habit.
(from “the 10 minute guide to getting organized”By Janet Bigham Bernstel, Stephen Windhaus)
Tres interessant, non?
So, it only takes a few weeks, if this theory is correct, to become addicted…to anything?
its seems so simple when you try something new or start a new ‘habit’ without meaning it to be a ‘habit’ ..like having a cup a coffee one moring..when you havent ever been a coffee drinker- but one a.m. its presented and drunk enjoyed and ..associated?…probably because of outer crcumstances..not cause the coffee was so great..you were in a really great fun conversation..or something cool happens and your happy horomones kick in … and subsequently coffee is forever associated with the emotion felt.
what the hell am i talking about ?
im either loney bored or both?
my life is weird. or more accuretly, i guess, life in general, is weird.
i live below 2 army rangers. as in US army special forces , both veterans of the war.
They are little boys, in that they are 22 and 23.
they are both my friends. Jf is like my brother.
tonight a friend of theirs, from their troop, arrived to visit for the weekend -
i brought them out to to a dumb-ish hollywood party.
the misconceptions i have of people was evident this eve.
i dance when i go to party’s clubs etc.
but not serious dance, i usually am in the best least crowded spot doing fun goofy moves w/ a friend( i have a list of my dancing friends -its very specific.) So these boys come meet us( im with/aj and cr ) and i assume they will need to be entertained and not want to dance-or be really bad embarrassing dancers…i made these assumptions because, in my head, if they were in the army ..they cant possibly “get it”
ie: be quick enuff to get into dance dumbness i do.
Oh how very wrong i was….. how naive i am..
they were immeadiatly on the floor with us…goofing and not being gross/embarassing.
actually being more fun on a dance floor than any guy in the hollywood vicinty…that i know.
(save for mw at ad )
AND we stayed up talking after and i came to realize alot more.
Mostly about the assiniity(?) my assumptions create and how elitist i am, with no good cause.
i think i may have missed out on alot of experiences, thus far in life due to this …must note and stay in awareness ….Oh and BTW:
friend visiting is hot. extremely. he reminds me of someone else.
someone who i think of too much..and musnt.
this is the strangest period of my life. not the top of the strange -like if i were rating degrees of strange :this isnt the number one, but the strange feelings and shifts around my life are trippy.i wish i could explain better. it’s sorta like if you half wake up from a super intense dream…one that is very life-like with odd twists…except i haven’t fully woke up. thats a bad example -but i don’t know how to explain . i feel a little trapped. i feel a little liberated-Also .. angst and hope and fear and some other unrecognizable shite swirlling around inside me.today i went with mw to jwbn. then here for him to witness The thing in my backroom. then to ameoba . bought cds . then to terry’s. then here. maria was here. now -. feel like i need someone to talk to . but no-one i think of is right.noone that will therapize or tell me what to do with THE THING.
the worst feelings for me::
being lied to …and knowing it at the point the lie is being told.
being angry at people that dont deserve your energy
being misunderstood, and/or misinterpreted
calculated meanness masked as thoughtlessness/laziness
being condescended to (s’that proper?)
being lied to- and knowing it as it happens….or did i say that already.
i have been fighting rage all day-Everything is causing me to feel so much anger -
Really stupid shit
-my cousin upstairs-people knocking on the door-my phone ringing-driving-parking-work
OH yeah..AND once again…
my stupid choices for friends.. how many times do i get given the same situation till i see it before i get bit??
well , to be fair, i have awesome friends in general-its just the ones on the side i pick up that others are leary of always..and i defend till im left in the dust shaken by their deceitful personalities( laughable one , this time,at least)
geez i must be Pmsing.
.had mellow weekend
freese baby bday was cancelled due to rain, so i met dloh at mels..
we had a fun time. he was in awesome form.
i was laughing so hard and we stayed through 3 tables changeing behind us.
When he is on a roll, i can listen to his banter forever..except when he embarresses me….Case in point:
i saw a guy i thought was tom sizemoore..i was actually sure it was him…BUt ofcourse..danny knew better, par usuale… and to prove it to me he kept yelling TOM in the restaurant…so every-gdamn-one turned around, except “tom sizemoore”, of course.mortified me.( and he is one of the good friends..)
The canadadian in me still kinda weirded oot when at such a restaurant and i see all the tourists with maps and serious glints in their eyes ,as they look( sureptisiously..or so they think) for jennifer aniston or billy zane(?who??where’d i pull that name from..)
hollywood life funny.
but i did have an awesome early am. went to mels woth dloh and laughed a t his antics ( hf’s bday was cancellec)
im at the crossroads of dig in or out
not lost anymore. i find my clarity is leading me exactly to who i am , essentially and
fer reel
i cant fake pretend with anyone about anything.
my attitude has spun and it feels like im looking out from a different place.
kewl.
im all into this internal process regur. on blogger right now.
comments?
directions?
free love?
bring it on
underworld premier went w/ dlo to wes and heathersthen met ie and ls and the brkstr there. i sat outside the whole movie practically- it was cool looking just terrible seats in the front row to the left- killed my neck.i am so glad ls came – we got to hang out and smoke while they watched. she is funny.and loves ie and makes him happy. what more could one ask for?i wonder when i will have that. i am so barricaded – i am readfy for some dude to just break thru the barricades(to quote bry adams)and hiton me or something.weirdly awful-good-necasserry week. alcoholism suicide record release disconnected-ness.i feel conflicted and if step in the wrong spot i wil be blown up .i cant believe the insensitivity-or actually way beyond insensitivity-self obsessed false postuering behaviour of some.it saddens me to no end. i want things to be good and happy- moments like how i felt in qc. perfect able to be present feel joy in the moment and full odf love for evryone around me and gratitude for being where i was.i dont think this is unattainable- i just think so many others think it is that i forget that i can be happy at any chosen moment. i am disatisfied with my life in many areas after coming back from canada- i want to be inspired to do authentic stuff that i love-from my cells-like those around me- but the problem is i think my path is about love and service – cause the only thing i thrive in -is listening and understanding and showing different ways to people. fuck- i dont know what i am talking about- i do know that i miss people again. i stopped missing people a long time ago- perhaps out of self protection and part outof having unmissable people around. but now i do; i miss my dad. alot. i thought about him so much in canada it hurt my stomach . but i think missing people is indicitive of a void in my life- a lack of intimacy maybe- no i am intimate with a few people- i am definetly unguarded around 2 or 3 people- but never always and completely.i am scared of being really close because then…?
i m back-couldnt stand being away. i am about truth(sorta)-mostly aboutthis thing..and the good it does me- so i wont stop again. i had it out with someone ,really brutally- i let three years of unresolved stuff boil over and if i learned anything from this incident,it was to process everything asap. and let shit go. let it go and forgive for real. i’m all about praying for my resentments to go the fuck away. i am sorry and sad that i was so harsh to this person- but if it is true that everything happens for a reason, then there must be a really good reason for this.
went to delux this eve- after eating with mjk and dia. fun dinner- fairly entertaining at the club- was supposed to meet ch -he stood me up- un real. oh well. no more help for his love life.
got to see cole and lfb and a few others i rarely see these days.
nice-few awkward moments but i let them go quickly and was able to fend off the ugly energies.
i am so stressed about landlord and mom.