Posts Tagged ‘life’
its going to be different this year. Really. I’m almost finished writing out my manifesto or whatever gayness you’d call it. sort of the overview of what lastyear was( and wasnt) and what this year will be .
d s making fun of the fast that both he w and i had such old person resolve to wipe away the past year and equated the cleanslate vibe as a sign of old age. perhaps it is. but last year was a non year for me. it was the most non year i ever had. i accomplished nothing. i had no great tragedy nor feats. It was the worst year of my life in many ways. edit
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Technorati Tags: direction, hollywood, life, life_path, me, purpose, tannerc
when you thin your life out , via separating yourself from certain friends and associates…and consciously choose to withdraw from situations that seem to have caused you grief…its a good thing.
Mostly.
i am used to 120 friends and phone calls a day ….and in the great cleanout of 2005 it has dropped remarkably..( 100 percent for the better..as most of those calls were annoying timesuckers and led to drama and chaos that usually wasnt mine…but somehow always drew me in)
… now i am contacted , perhaps 5 times a day and 3 of those are usually work.
which is great and a total feat for my codependant self….
Except when..you are bored and/or lonely. (not lonely like crying miserable codependant lonely…more subtle )
.and this will happen when you clean out the clutter… .
because see, the new life has these moments of deadair , which are fine and probably very healthy..
it just seems that at the quietest and hollowest of these longer moments .. i am most vulnerable to falling in and back…ie:making a call’ just to see whats up’ with old so-and-so.….never a good idea, im finding out..cause its always the same….
sure the old aquaints can fill my deadair up ;
even make me feel great for a few minutes….but soon enough they are trying to pull me back in….
via telling me their stories of chaos and betrayl- that are usually the exact same as last year…but always very very important and real to them and all of a sudden seemingly real to me….
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Technorati Tags: life, life_path, me, purpose, synchronicity, tannerc
Perhaps i have insomnia?, add?, lack of something….but for some reason
..i ended up staying up way too late even though im exhausted…and perusing local blogs. i dont do this often anymore..seemed for awhile it got to be less interesting when every teenager in asia started a blog and id somehow end up on those…but with recent discover of local community rolls..a la ‘lablogs‘ etc etc…i got to looking and reading..some really fuckin awesome sites . blogs with the same base purpose and enjoyment that i have..which i like..not monitary based,..and not ‘contrived’… more outlet based.
Funnily , the one i ended up reading the longest was Tom Greens, i’d seen it last year some time..xmas i think.. and i remember liking it alot, but as i tend to do..i forgot about it..but there it was tonight on blogebrity, i believe..and as i ve been feeling homesick-ish as of late..it was comforting to read. First cause he’s canadian ..and because hes been writing from up there( sakatchewan , and ottawa to be exact,) and one of the first blurbs i read..he referrenced Farely Mowat damn! that got me.wolves and owls…tres canadianne
i forgot how much i loved those books.
and he got to meet Jean Chretian, and it just had a lovely canadian tone.. down to hanging with his parents (sorta) playing trivial pursuit .
he just seems like a nice smart grounded boy. *but then again i seem alot of things via this that i dont think i am in real life…oh what do i know?..im definetly over tired, dude.*
anyway..its a great site.
all this perusing got me thinking , too..about how weird & common “blogging” is….
DISCLAIMER: i am about to do ‘back when i started blogging” thing..but its not meant to be a condescending or territorial..just observatory and speculative ..allright?k..
so..carry on my wayaward sons:
Back when i started doing this ( writingnotes/journal at taintme)it was really trully small and sorta secretive loser-ish community. i didnt know one single other person (in the flesh, that is; i knew online people)-who wrote online or had ‘blogs’…But now:its a totally different ‘thing’ , blogging is. Lots and lots of people i know and am related to even, write online..
i wonder sometimes, what the hell i could have done with mine – had i had foresight or motivation..
oh well. i love it still.the outlet is irreplaceable and as it stands taintme has become my secret soapbox, private journal, crush keeper, gossip outlet and theraputic-confidant. its the most consistant ritual ive had in in my adult life. this ..blog thing taintme.
it has directly caused me: to lose friendships, total embarrasment, gotten me a date, ( ONE…and it sucked)
broughtme closer to family members, made me a few new friends..and lots of other random attributes i cant remember . so thats kewl.
next order of my mind:
i feel directionless right now. like im swimming in my life , but its a wading pool. and its really hot out..so i just stay in the water cause its cooler..and sorta easier..albeit getting increasingly more uncomfortable.. I just tread water to avoid getting out and having to deal.’
kinda a bad analogy..but im overtired and the visual is working for me. forgive.
i wonder how i can change things now. i dont like this holding pattern at all , as of this week.
its so weird how i have tiny revelations over nothing ( seemingly) and all of a sudden my life doesnt work for me anymore.
Technorati Tags: hollywood, directionless, canada, farley mowatt, me, tannerc, tom green, jean chretian
this is the strangest period of my life. not the top of the strange -like if i were rating degrees of strange :this isnt the number one, but the strange feelings and shifts around my life are trippy.i wish i could explain better. it’s sorta like if you half wake up from a super intense dream…one that is very life-like with odd twists…except i haven’t fully woke up. thats a bad example -but i don’t know how to explain . i feel a little trapped. i feel a little liberated-Also .. angst and hope and fear and some other unrecognizable shite swirlling around inside me.today i went with mw to jwbn. then here for him to witness The thing in my backroom. then to ameoba . bought cds . then to terry’s. then here. maria was here. now -. feel like i need someone to talk to . but no-one i think of is right.noone that will therapize or tell me what to do with THE THING.
trying to get back into writing in here- things in my life feel awfully weird; lots of relationships that i had marked a ‘solid’ nhave fallen to the wayside.
felt sad etc etc. now just observant.
i hem and haw about writing in here, because im never sure who actally will read..so its sort of a gamble as to how honest and detailed i can get.
regardless..not much in the way of my life, the world is going off though.
have a renewed interest in politics and the way the americans interupttheir own.
its bizarre. aside from the 2 m’s in my life, evryone elseseems pretty washed and taken
nother one for the canadian education or more so..the cbc and unbiased journalism. thankyou.
i turned 33 a few weeks ago. woah. christ age.
pretty lonely event.
went to vegas to see band. came home early.turned 6lastt week. double woah.
dont care for much of any of this . lots of work, which i do like.
learning more.
odd quiet weekend. woke sat and went met z at virgin with jam. then coffee and took jam to therapy. then met rf and her italian hottie , then to work till 1 30. then to see solaris with my husband. good . then swingers with df and mw. then movies at home. worked on choptop and eddie sites also bny site. supposed to drive dia to the airport but i SLEPT THROUGH THE ALARM!!!i cant believe it..df took her(fwwff)nice morning …went to larchmont with mw -we sat and talked for 2 hours..now we are home. goin to meet cousin and z at the 11;45 mtg.
hmm. i am living an odd life right now.
good confusing funny odd scary(A little)
spent the entire week or so w/ sp mw
cant articulate what that means right now..all very easy, though.
saw coleycole this eve, totally lost it laughing at the meeting this eve.
havent laughed like that in soo long.felt good. went to dinner then les duex,
dk came over and hung out this eve. nice to see him. walked the dog-went up the street and met p with ss mj jo and mi-went to jones’s for dinner and then i went to ns’s to help plan his trip.
he’s so funny. very much a perfectionist, i think.
feel alright, albeit a bit sleepy.
i understand so much about my feelings that have come up this past few months-awesome talk with ss. i see that i was doubting my self and my own process-and i have become so mis trusting for whatever reasons. BUT i am not mistrusting- i believe people aand there isn’t anything bad about that.
i say things to others, sometimes that shock me…as in advice that comes from my mouth regarding life or love or whatever and as i hear myself say it- irealize i must listen to myself more often…i am becoming a person that i like …if that makes any sense..i’m so punchy.
i guess i am coming out of this intropespective period and reaping some beneifits from it
i don’t know what any of this means
i want to not go to bed on a sour note. i want to sleep well and wake up with gratitude and love in my heart . i feel very vulnerable, as i have so much over the last 6 months-not weak, just open and sensitive. i want to use these lessons in my life , of late to spread good stuff-not be grumpy and judgemental. it just doesn’t feel good.
i pray that all those i felt resentful at get more loveand peace in their lives NOW. i pray that it all works out .
everything.
i pray that my close friends know i love them and how important they are to me.
i pray that those i don’t see/speak ;yet are important in my heart; KNOW that they are dear to me(even if in odd ways)
i pray that max is happy .