Posts Tagged ‘love’
Jack( previously mentioned FIVE year old) likes to use my phone sometimes, to play games.. but i guess he also likes to call friends and tell them when he done me wrong.:
found this whilst syncing my iphone:
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jack: Five years old….. trying to call gavin..his bff:
“Hi Gavin i dropped allison’s phone..isnt that funny? well.. sometimes it is.. ” max starts chattering …Jack continues
” I wanted to…”
that’s where it cut off….
..HE WANTED TO WHAT?
damn, i’ll never know
So..last night , sitting on the deck , .at my friends amazing home in the canyon, looking at the hollywood sign.-
whilst listening to neil sing “journey through time”.
and it rained like i was back in vancouver-
i found myself reflecting on Thanksgiving- ..and you know what…when you really think about it ,
it’s a very special 24 hours .. a rare tiny pocket of time – just prior to impending xmas-anxiety-pomp-n-circumstance -that is meant only to be spent eating and “giving thanks”..with your most loved people -
and in that moment ..listening to rain and neil…
i realized exactly what i am trully ,
at my self-centered core, most grateful for:
the added things in my life that i dont NEED to live,
but make living a fuck of alot funner:
they are: you( my friends/family) and music. those are the two bests.
most important and cherised by me. they ( you & music) bring upon most of my epic moments.
So , on the eve of Thanksgiving.(tonight: wednesday november 26th 2008 ), in honor of you and music,
im going to the go sit at the coolest little unpretensious bar in hollywood,
drink a redbull or two..and let really fun friends entertain me with the greatest luxury i have:
kickass music..
you + the music + me.. bestever.
please come and ill share my gratitude for your prescence in my life and buy you a cocktail and we can toast our awesome crazy music filled lives.
luv
a
ROCK N ROLL Wednesdays @ The Bar (5851 Sunset Blvd Los Angeles, CA 90028).
Best place to party your face off the night before turkey day
Event InfoHost: BUDDYHEAD
Party – Night of Mayhem
Los Angeles, CA
Time and PlaceStart Time:
Wednesday, November 26, 2008 at 10:00pm
End Time:
Thursday, November 27, 2008 at 2:00am
Location:
The Bar
Street:
5851 Sunset Blvd
City/Town:
Hollywood, CA
Every Wednesday you can find Jeordie “Twiggy” White (Marilyn Manson, NIN, A Perfect Circle) and Travis Keller(and whoever else shows up that week) playing rock n’ roll @ The Bar (5851 Sunset Blvd Los Angeles, CA 90028).
This week is Thanksgiving week. So the night before you eat turkey and celebrate how a bunch of white men killed native indians… come to The Bar and drink your self silly. We’re gonna have a good time. We’re gonna have a party!
Come down, have a few drinks, meet some freaks, listen to some tunes and have a little bit of mid week fun
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BEFORE READING :
To trully appreciate this post’s full dramtic effect-ive added enhancing mood music-just press play ) .thank-u.read-on..
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“A lie, by omission or directly fabricating .. leads people to decide other than they would, had they known the truth,It harms their human dignity and autonomy.It is believed that to value ourselves and others as ends instead of means, we have perfect duties (i.e., no exceptions) to avoid damaging, interfering with, or misusing the ability to make free decisions;”
So in my life.. I ve been, (on more occasions than anyone would like to admit) a liar, a cheat a thief and an asshole-To Lots of people….Probably to some reading this.. and this is written for you, dear person whom i may have emotionally violated in this way .. it’s payback time:i got got. Big time.The last four months i have been living under a delusion created not by me.. ( for once) but by a sweet, sexy ( to me, prior to knowing the truth) superb master equivicator*..A Fiendish.. Master of manipulation and Creator of False-Mess.( love that term:”False-Mess”)And , after figuring it all out..i had the atypical ‘woe is i ‘ reaction:..i was a bit precious ( so to be expected..i AM a girl..had THE pms..coupled w/ some strong feelings for this liar))You know :weepy sad/ ..aghast/angry .. etc etc..But then , just as quickly as i was struck with the duality of the situation… a Phenomenon of unknown proportions has hit me..as i think about theLiar and his LyingLies.. I start laughing .. real-sincere-will-ferrel-dvd-watching-laughter. ..as i recall details and situations from the past few months- and i realize they were sooo not what i thought they were.. i don’t get sad/angry or heartachey..Like i thought and feared i would..Instead i start with the laughing( on the inside, mostly) ..I mean ..cmon.. what this poor liar must have been going through. the stress and pace of the lifestyle to maintain the lies.. must have been ( probably still is..) Enormous.This part is so heady.. the part about our ‘connection’ being completely one sided **(c below),so it seems, that it has caused me to supercede most typical sadness to fascination and admiration for the Liars abilities and skill at maintaining for such a period, at such depth.I am in awe of the masterful way it was spun to me.. it was impeccable.. i mean..Who was this person.. whom i had somehow chosen to open up to on that ‘emo’ level..?( -note to self: remember that romance is a fictional thing)It was the ultimate turn of the universe’s trump card.For all you i did wrong.. i am sorry and i get it…..to be continued..** this point is a bit sad still, for me.. but i think i should be able to smoke through it ..
Perhaps i have insomnia?, add?, lack of something….but for some reason
..i ended up staying up way too late even though im exhausted…and perusing local blogs. i dont do this often anymore..seemed for awhile it got to be less interesting when every teenager in asia started a blog and id somehow end up on those…but with recent discover of local community rolls..a la ‘lablogs‘ etc etc…i got to looking and reading..some really fuckin awesome sites . blogs with the same base purpose and enjoyment that i have..which i like..not monitary based,..and not ‘contrived’… more outlet based.
Funnily , the one i ended up reading the longest was Tom Greens, i’d seen it last year some time..xmas i think.. and i remember liking it alot, but as i tend to do..i forgot about it..but there it was tonight on blogebrity, i believe..and as i ve been feeling homesick-ish as of late..it was comforting to read. First cause he’s canadian ..and because hes been writing from up there( sakatchewan , and ottawa to be exact,) and one of the first blurbs i read..he referrenced Farely Mowat damn! that got me.wolves and owls…tres canadianne
i forgot how much i loved those books.
and he got to meet Jean Chretian, and it just had a lovely canadian tone.. down to hanging with his parents (sorta) playing trivial pursuit .
he just seems like a nice smart grounded boy. *but then again i seem alot of things via this that i dont think i am in real life…oh what do i know?..im definetly over tired, dude.*
anyway..its a great site.
all this perusing got me thinking , too..about how weird & common “blogging” is….
DISCLAIMER: i am about to do ‘back when i started blogging” thing..but its not meant to be a condescending or territorial..just observatory and speculative ..allright?k..
so..carry on my wayaward sons:
Back when i started doing this ( writingnotes/journal at taintme)it was really trully small and sorta secretive loser-ish community. i didnt know one single other person (in the flesh, that is; i knew online people)-who wrote online or had ‘blogs’…But now:its a totally different ‘thing’ , blogging is. Lots and lots of people i know and am related to even, write online..
i wonder sometimes, what the hell i could have done with mine – had i had foresight or motivation..
oh well. i love it still.the outlet is irreplaceable and as it stands taintme has become my secret soapbox, private journal, crush keeper, gossip outlet and theraputic-confidant. its the most consistant ritual ive had in in my adult life. this ..blog thing taintme.
it has directly caused me: to lose friendships, total embarrasment, gotten me a date, ( ONE…and it sucked)
broughtme closer to family members, made me a few new friends..and lots of other random attributes i cant remember . so thats kewl.
next order of my mind:
i feel directionless right now. like im swimming in my life , but its a wading pool. and its really hot out..so i just stay in the water cause its cooler..and sorta easier..albeit getting increasingly more uncomfortable.. I just tread water to avoid getting out and having to deal.’
kinda a bad analogy..but im overtired and the visual is working for me. forgive.
i wonder how i can change things now. i dont like this holding pattern at all , as of this week.
its so weird how i have tiny revelations over nothing ( seemingly) and all of a sudden my life doesnt work for me anymore.
Technorati Tags: hollywood, directionless, canada, farley mowatt, me, tannerc, tom green, jean chretian
underworld premier went w/ dlo to wes and heathersthen met ie and ls and the brkstr there. i sat outside the whole movie practically- it was cool looking just terrible seats in the front row to the left- killed my neck.i am so glad ls came – we got to hang out and smoke while they watched. she is funny.and loves ie and makes him happy. what more could one ask for?i wonder when i will have that. i am so barricaded – i am readfy for some dude to just break thru the barricades(to quote bry adams)and hiton me or something.weirdly awful-good-necasserry week. alcoholism suicide record release disconnected-ness.i feel conflicted and if step in the wrong spot i wil be blown up .i cant believe the insensitivity-or actually way beyond insensitivity-self obsessed false postuering behaviour of some.it saddens me to no end. i want things to be good and happy- moments like how i felt in qc. perfect able to be present feel joy in the moment and full odf love for evryone around me and gratitude for being where i was.i dont think this is unattainable- i just think so many others think it is that i forget that i can be happy at any chosen moment. i am disatisfied with my life in many areas after coming back from canada- i want to be inspired to do authentic stuff that i love-from my cells-like those around me- but the problem is i think my path is about love and service – cause the only thing i thrive in -is listening and understanding and showing different ways to people. fuck- i dont know what i am talking about- i do know that i miss people again. i stopped missing people a long time ago- perhaps out of self protection and part outof having unmissable people around. but now i do; i miss my dad. alot. i thought about him so much in canada it hurt my stomach . but i think missing people is indicitive of a void in my life- a lack of intimacy maybe- no i am intimate with a few people- i am definetly unguarded around 2 or 3 people- but never always and completely.i am scared of being really close because then…?
this week has been like the opening of my solar plexus..i cried so hard and felt like it would never stop. i can still feel the feeling in my tummy of overwhelming grief..but it’s distant and calmer now. i howled like a dog yesterday. the hurt was deep. i felt like i finally realized how much i betray myslef by being in these relationships..it has notheing to do with them except i pick them for the abuse of my soul body etc…hopefully i am aware of my value for now and will stay away from this sort of being from now on and just see them with compassion and love. i feel sad and i miss chris. the parts i miss arent real though. i only miss what i gave hiom..i put in sooo much for a few seconds of him being pplayful and goi g into monkey talk.i totally lost my sense of who i am and what i am capable of, its bummed me out so hard that i couldnt even see the difference in the perspective anymore. i am so able to move thru this and not lose the lesson. i chose this situaation on earth and i must learn it or repeat it..
re-read the truelove poem tonight. where is my hand ??????
fer fucks sake.
bed without dinner
dentist hell today. i have been so bad about writing in here.
mjk is back…makes me happy.
i actually missed him quite a bit.
i am trying to think about what has happened of late..ryan is on the cover of t&c mag…whatever that means. weird.
it was such a short time ago that she was sleeping on the floor of my studio apt in santa monica..
reminds of the truth to the quote i have above my journal..
ab quit smoking..seems like everyone is quitting..i love it.
ajp gave me a 4 year cake at virgin on sat. ad and ch and rf gave me one on wednesday..
running 5 miles tomorrow at 7 am with rf
dk came over and hung out this eve. nice to see him. walked the dog-went up the street and met p with ss mj jo and mi-went to jones’s for dinner and then i went to ns’s to help plan his trip.
he’s so funny. very much a perfectionist, i think.
feel alright, albeit a bit sleepy.
i understand so much about my feelings that have come up this past few months-awesome talk with ss. i see that i was doubting my self and my own process-and i have become so mis trusting for whatever reasons. BUT i am not mistrusting- i believe people aand there isn’t anything bad about that.
i say things to others, sometimes that shock me…as in advice that comes from my mouth regarding life or love or whatever and as i hear myself say it- irealize i must listen to myself more often…i am becoming a person that i like …if that makes any sense..i’m so punchy.
i guess i am coming out of this intropespective period and reaping some beneifits from it
i don’t know what any of this means
i want to not go to bed on a sour note. i want to sleep well and wake up with gratitude and love in my heart . i feel very vulnerable, as i have so much over the last 6 months-not weak, just open and sensitive. i want to use these lessons in my life , of late to spread good stuff-not be grumpy and judgemental. it just doesn’t feel good.
i pray that all those i felt resentful at get more loveand peace in their lives NOW. i pray that it all works out .
everything.
i pray that my close friends know i love them and how important they are to me.
i pray that those i don’t see/speak ;yet are important in my heart; KNOW that they are dear to me(even if in odd ways)
i pray that max is happy .
slept in again-felt so good.
ns came and took me for coffe. he said the show yesterday was unbelievable-so envious-he had an amazing day/night.sounds like-topped off with courtney love buyiung him in and out burger and flashing him her chest…
crazy life.i ate with ag and mi last night then sat with mj and wayne till 2am-fun.-mellow.
max will not stop barking. gg liked one of the designs-needs to change a few elements-but seems to like general idea of one of them. supposed to be going to the beach for a bbq-not into it,though. tonightis the vespa thing. should be fun.i’m thinking that it will be a nice change from the insanity that is work , for me , right now. i told mj i would go shopping with him, too.