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woke up w/ the fear
woke up with fear and sadness and anger..for no reason that i can thinkof. this is horrible. i am not into this anxiety thing. i can’t handle it at all. what am i supposed tp do?i feel like i have over talked it w/ my few friends. i feel very alone right now. scared .i…
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he called
l called around 8:30.he cme over. when he walked in it was as though no time or bad stuff had passed between us. i feel so deeply connected to him.in agood safe way.i have a clue as to what the purpose of our relationship is..or what it was.it is very powerful though. i made amends…
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solarplexus
yesterday the pain in my solarplexus was unreal..unbearable..rendered me weepy,unfunctioning.well not completely, got out of bed, got a job doing a web site, payed some bills.seem to have super strong faith right now,a and i are getting back on track.sweet relief. i missed her , i wasn’t mad . i was hurt like a mutha…
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raining like a no-ones bidness
raining like a noones bidness. nice.reminds me of afternoons when i was little and mom would let us stay inside and watch t.v.(rare..not the rain, but t.v. watching..) cozy feeling.good day, thus far.returned almost all calls and emails. unbelivable, really. for me. the running theme:faith. in all areas of my life. all. every single one.…
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saturday was an odd (off?) day
saturday was an odd (off?) day. slept in. desire to call L. had not really subsided. called. fuck shit hell piss crap. i can’t believe i did.i was soo good for sooo long. i am so angry at him, though i don’t know for sure what it is i’ll say if he calls back. i…
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fucking devasted
so fucking devastated right now. just sobbed so hard as i drove around hollywood aimlessly. was asleep on the couch when a and c walked in, he (of course), ignores me and she was a*cunt*-and i do not use this word lightly. she has been alot lately. it’s horrendous. i feel like i am always…
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ohhh..the horror
ohhh..the horror of my solar plexus and it’s sucking leaky tragic energy. it feel so overwhelming of late. basically it is screaming so loud for a mutha frickin cigarette. the banter back and forth of the last two days has spurred this energy on…..and banter is all it is. i am not getting anything i…
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meeting with ap
met ap.sat thru the whole damn meeting.good for us. then to urth w/lou. who is devastated by j. which i find mind boggling, as he is such a drip. ahh well. i am sure the whole world thinks my choices in men are a bit dodgy..which i guess they are. i worked out for awhile…
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good morning to me
good morning to me. feel okay. puffy eyes. going to meet ap for breakfast; i haven’t seen him in two weeks..weird. don’t remember my dreams, really, sort of fragments: being in a resort, trying to get drugs from a pharmacy. going to treat my situations today. believe they will be taken care of without any…
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fellin’ ok
feel okay.. woke early, went downtown w/La.then met lou for coffee,then worked out for quite awhile. now @.home,d and a are here.cleaning lady was here.everything is lovely. (clean&tidy lovely,that is..) still in gripping fear over all my situations.must meditate or something.fuckin hell. this sux sooo much. i am living like a robot. you aren’t supposed…
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devastated again..
woke up devastated again.. i’m totally at a loss as to what to do. mom called first thing this morning. she is can’t help & we ended up fighting like the old days- so much pain under everything now. i could not stop the feelings of desperation i almost made a phone call i definetly…
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want to smoke
tired . had a really great day.not such a great evening. tired and want to smoke…eating instead. will be fat person , i guess. no i ‘ll smoke before i get really fat. or i’ll go to rehab for food addiction . that sounds nice.. 28 days at a nice rehab.. relaxing, going to ‘group’,…