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altercation
altercationw/ter.pissed me off. not going to take shit from anyone.noone.that is over. all of it is.follow my own path from now on..wht do i want?don’t know. seems there is nothing like this cigerette relief. total relapse. fuck. oh well. going to find something to do for me today. don’t have the patience for …much of…
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don’t feel much
don’t feel much like writing these days..i am back home. this afternoon. murphy picked me up. so sweet. wendy dom anthony torrencio all called . lou also.funny how you find out who are your friends-so weird. not sad at all. tired and lethargic. feel very quiet. house is empty. a is gone. zen house. feels…
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emailed l. ahh well . i miss him. point blank. i …
emailed l. ahh well . i miss him. point blank. i feel better; like a pressure is off ,now that i sent an email. i feel like we were in this stand off…El Silencio. went to the lc this am. actually got there early – sat with db, who is back from nyc for the…
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woke up w/ the fear
woke up with fear and sadness and anger..for no reason that i can thinkof. this is horrible. i am not into this anxiety thing. i can’t handle it at all. what am i supposed tp do?i feel like i have over talked it w/ my few friends. i feel very alone right now. scared .i…
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he called
l called around 8:30.he cme over. when he walked in it was as though no time or bad stuff had passed between us. i feel so deeply connected to him.in agood safe way.i have a clue as to what the purpose of our relationship is..or what it was.it is very powerful though. i made amends…
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solarplexus
yesterday the pain in my solarplexus was unreal..unbearable..rendered me weepy,unfunctioning.well not completely, got out of bed, got a job doing a web site, payed some bills.seem to have super strong faith right now,a and i are getting back on track.sweet relief. i missed her , i wasn’t mad . i was hurt like a mutha…
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amends to dk
amends to dk. done. amends to jane, done. relief factor:none. spoke to l. oh fuck. it sucked soo bad. phone messages . i ended up leaving one that was so brutal and yucky, he called back and i SMOKED> muther fucker.bad convo. i can’t believe it.i can , actually. it was great , too.(the cigerette)…
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wimpy me
cried like a small baby again this eve. something in me snapped and i felt the loss of my relationship so deeply .(a-fucking-gain?!?!?) like someone uncorked my solar plexus and every ounce of sadness gusshed out.. when is this shit going to be over? i still think a smoke would feel unreal. i almost had…
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raining like a no-ones bidness
raining like a noones bidness. nice.reminds me of afternoons when i was little and mom would let us stay inside and watch t.v.(rare..not the rain, but t.v. watching..) cozy feeling.good day, thus far.returned almost all calls and emails. unbelivable, really. for me. the running theme:faith. in all areas of my life. all. every single one.…
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do you remember
do you remember coming back from santa barbara and telling me you couldn’t stand to be in a place like that without me now? did your heart break in a million pieces after we said goodbye outside the library in p.c.? did you feel so betrayed and foolish that your face goes red when you…
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ohhh..the horror
ohhh..the horror of my solar plexus and it’s sucking leaky tragic energy. it feel so overwhelming of late. basically it is screaming so loud for a mutha frickin cigarette. the banter back and forth of the last two days has spurred this energy on…..and banter is all it is. i am not getting anything i…
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fellin’ ok
feel okay.. woke early, went downtown w/La.then met lou for coffee,then worked out for quite awhile. now @.home,d and a are here.cleaning lady was here.everything is lovely. (clean&tidy lovely,that is..) still in gripping fear over all my situations.must meditate or something.fuckin hell. this sux sooo much. i am living like a robot. you aren’t supposed…